Hire Jim Essian

If Heath Bell weren't so busy blowing games that Carlos Zambrano should have won, Carlos would probably be laughing his ass off in Miami. Just under a year ago, Carlos pointed out that Carlos Marmol should have gone to his fastball when facing the terrible-fastball-hitting Ryan Theriot. Because Marmol seems unwilling to go to his fastball in ANY situation now, Dale Sveum has demoted him from the closer role. So, yes, you can go ahead and add yet another totally untradeable contract to the growing collection that Jim Hendry left in his wake.

Today, a lot of stupid people are celebrating the fact that Carlos Zambrano is no longer a Cub. I'm not. Whether or not one thought Big Z needed to go (he almost certainly did), the end of the right-hander's amazing Cub career should have been met with "thanks for the memories and good luck, Z!" Rather than remembering the big lug for the incredible things he did in a Cubs uniform, too many people are gleefully dancing on his Cub grave and pretending that paying Chris Volstad $18M to pitch for the Cubs is WAY BETTER than paying Carlos Zambrano $18M to pitch for the Cubs. It's not, and I LIKE Volstad.

"There's no way Carlos Zambrano will ever play in a Cubs uniform again." That was the conclusion that basically everyone who writes about the Cubs either professionally or for "fun" came to after Jim Hendry put Carlos on the disqualified list. But leave it to Theo Epstein to think for himself and form opinions of his own instead of relying on the advice of fucking idiots.

One of my favorite parts of the Muskbox is the teaser question that introduces the article. They are rarely actual sentences, and they can almost always be answered with one word. That word is usually “nope.” This week’s teaser is no exception. “Loyalty a factor in manager search?” “Nope.” To elaborate on that, the Cubs no longer have an idiot running the baseball operations. This week’s Muskbox tackles that controversial question and more! Let the dumbening begin!

As Theo Epstein Week continues, two things have occurred: I feel absolutely terrible for Jed Hoyer. He's a damn good general manager. Has anyone seen HIM at Starbucks? Has anyone stalked HIM and said creepy things about how they've been waiting for him for 103 years? Has anyone introduced HIM to Ronnie Woo-Woo? Steve Rosenbloom has declared the ... Read More

The Muskbox rarely promises things to us commoners. All we're guaranteed is the occasional laugh, the frequent facepalm, and the knowledge of new places across the globe like...Terre Haute? But this week's Muskbox brings the promise of more frequent Muskboxes! It's the gift that keeps on giving, even when you desperately wish it would stop so you ... Read More

I haven't had the opportunity to watch Catching Hell, the horrible documentary on Steve Bartman. I feel obligated to do so, despite the fact that I've seen the infamous play more times than I've seen The Big Lebowski. Which is to say, a lot of times. Bartman has been through a lot, which is why it was ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Today, Pre pointed out to me an interesting clause in Carlos Zambrano's contract. From Cot's Baseball Contracts: Zambrano receives 2013 player option if 1) he is first or second in 2011 Cy Young vote or if he finishes in top 4 in 2012 Cy Young vote and 2) he is healthy at end of 2012 Zambrano's player option is $19.25M. That means ... Read More

Another week brings the dawn of another Muskbox. All things are relevant to the Muskbox, even those things that go unanswered. Which is most things. But you have to keep TRYING, you know? Most of what I have been reading says the Cubs will not pick up Aramis Ramirez's club option and instead pay him the $2 million ... Read More