Hire Jim Essian

The worst part of the 2007 playoffs was not the Cubs getting meekly swept in three games by the Arizona Diamondbacks. It wasn't Carlos Marmol spitting the bit in the 7th inning of Game One. It wasn't Ted Lilly slamming his glove to the ground in frustration after serving up a go-ahead, three-run bomb to Chris Young in Game Two. It wasn't even Mark DeRosa grounding into a double play with a 3-1 count, two men on, and the Cubs trailing by two in the 5th inning. No, the most infuriating part of the 2007 playoffs was watching Jose Valverde dancing and preening off the mound at the end of Game One, Game Two, and Game Three. That is why Jose Valverde is the 9th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time.

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

Before Angel Guzman was around to tempt Cubs fans with his seemingly-limitless potential and seemingly-glass musculoskeletal structure, a skinny kid from the Dominican Republic rocketed through the Cubs' minor league system. By the time he was 21 years old, Juan Cruz looked and pitched like an old wise man. Cruz teased Cubs fans in the spring with his ... Read More

It's an unprecedented week for the Muskbox. For once, there are more answers than questions. More tit than tat. More John Grabow jokes than zero. And, most importantly, injury reports! It's everything you dreamed the Muskbox could be before you woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that you're dreaming about the Muskbox. It's the culmination ... Read More

Good job, Jim. Now, trade him at the deadline. I love Carlos, but closers can fetch a pretty price at the end of July, and I highly doubt the Cubs are going to be in a pennant race at that point. Don't be like those hoarding Royals hanging on to Joakim Soria. ... Read More

With all the Carloses on this team, it's only fair to make them fight to the death. One of Carlos Marmol, Carlos Pena, Carlos Silva, and Carlos Zambrano HAS to have the best year in 2011. But who's it going to be? It could be anyone! Except for Silva. Into the Fukudome! VS. VS. VS. Carlos Marmol Carlos Pena Carlos Silva Carlos ... Read More

If Mike Quade wanted to endear himself to Cubs fans, perhaps he should have avoided using the same unoriginal rallying cry that the infuriating Dusty Baker used during the 2003 season. "Why not us?" asked Quade at his introductory press conference. Well, Mike, I think I can take a crack at that. You don't have a first ... Read More

Hey, gang! Skip here again. I understand that the Cubs officially took my name out of the running for their managerial opening and named Mike Quade the manager for 2011 and beyond. I, for one, would like to extend the most heartfelt congratulations to Mike. It must be nice to have that "interim" tag taken off the front ... Read More