Hire Jim Essian

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Paul Konerko has long been the most popular member of the White Sox. And why not? Sure, he looks like a record-store clerk, but he can hit, and he allegedly help the White Sox to a World Series title in 2005. Plus, the overweight female population alone has kept XXL Konerko jerseys in huge demand. His fans' jerseys, however, aren't the only thing XXL about Konerko's career. The first baseman's career numbers against the Cubs earned him the 20th spot on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

I definitely expected the wheels to just flatten. Or to pop off entirely due to the stress of carrying around such weight. If you were shocked that Carlos Silva was having a ton of success with the Cubs this year, you're probably acting like an insufferable know-it-all right now. Silva's short start against the Dodgers just before ... Read More

Kermit told me to hits-whore in this week's Roundup, so that's exactly what I'm going to do, you tentacle-porn-loving perverts. Asian vagina. Anyhow, sorry I missed the Roundup last week. I was busy fisting the keyboard cat in Tehran. The good news is that you get a lot more Lou to go around this Friday, and ... Read More

Every day is "Pick on Phil Rogers" Day at HJE, so this will be no exception. As you know, in early February Phildo predicted the Houston Astros were planning a "sneak attack" on the Cubs. This is, of course, inordinately stupid. But after the Cubs beat the Astros last night to win their first opening series since ... Read More

Seriously? Is this how it's going to be in September? I was in the midst of a party to appease J-Kerm on Saturday. When I turned off the Cubs game, they had a very comfortable 9-1 lead. Ned Ryerson on Sunday told me that the final of the game was 14-9. Honestly? Eight runs ... Read More

CHICAGO, Ill.--The Cubs took a drastic step in their struggle to get out Astros slugger Carlos Lee Wednesday morning. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry signed Jesus Christ to a three-day contract reportedly worth thirty pieces of silver. Christ wore the number 99, as his first four choices, 3, 7, 12, and 40, were already taken. In his first action ... Read More

Prepare to have your mind blown. This Muskbag is a Muskbag so astonishingly stupid. So incredibly ridiculous. So offensively bad, you very well may stop rooting for the Cubs. And you would be right to do so. There are, apparently, Cubs fans who inhabit the deepest, darkest, dumbest corners of this world. This one ... Read More