Hire Jim Essian

Bud Selig is the dumbest commissioner in professional sports. And there are some legitimate nitwits in his company, so it's impressive that Bud is the nitwittiest. Instead of fixing the many things about baseball that need fixing, Bud is content to add a stupid one-game playoff, force interleague play down our throats every day of the season, and move baseball all the way across the planet for Opening Day. I hate Bud Selig, yet I fear that Andy MacPhail will eventually replace him, and I'll hate him even more.

In case you haven't notice, I hate most things. But there are things that I hate far worse than other things, and most of those things have to do with Bud Selig. The expanded playoff system is absolutely one of those things. It won't affect the Cubs at all this year, but I already hate it, and I'll tell you why.

If there's one thing Carrie Muskat is obsessed with, it's bobby pins. If there are two things she is obsessed with, those things are bobby pins and tiny, bad baseball players. That's probably why her last two articles have had more Tony Campana in them than his baseball hat does. Yes, this week's Muskbox is seriously discussing a guy who really shouldn't be on the roster by the end of February. Love the Muskbox or hate it. At least it's consistent.

Well, well, well, well, well. I never really got a proper good-bye before my abrupt August departure. That didn't bother me, but I'm sure you twerps were crying about it. I see a lot has happened since I've been gone. Quade got hired. Sandberg got pretend-fired. And Essian still can't get a goddamn interview. ... Read More

It is with unbearable sadness that I inform you that Ryne Sandberg will not be in a Cub uniform next year. Let's take a moment of si- All right, Roundup time. The assistance of your tips is like a brilliant bench coach who offers the insight that Ryno may or may not have. Angel Guzman is gone! ... Read More

Thanks for all of the many tips that you sent in while HJE was on vacation. Though I didn't post all of them (there were a LOT), please don't let that stop you from sending them. I hope you survived a couple of Fridays actually working. I'll try not to let that happen again. Happy belated anniversary Bartman ... Read More

Everyone's crying about the length of games, from Joe West to Bud Selig. Not me. I wish the MLB had longer commercial breaks and mound visits. That way, I wouldn't have to come running out to argue a call in mid-piss. Oh, well. I got a lot of great tips this week. Keep them ... Read More

Ah, spring in Chicago. The air is crisp, the birds are chirping, there is love horny desperation in the air. I hope you enjoyed your week of nice weather while you were sitting at your desks, Chicagoans. It's going to be a chilly weekend. Be sure to snuggle up with your favorite porn. Roundup tips ... Read More

BUD SELIG sits alone in his office on a chair designed as a full-size model of Barry Bonds' head. He practices his thoughtful expression in a mirror on his desk. Did I mention that the desk is constructed of boxes filled with "1994 World Series" t-shirts? And let's just say the mirror is made of hypodermic needles ... Read More

The further removed we get from the Milton Bradley suspension, the angrier I get at both sides. Milton Bradley is a raging asshole who brought all of his made-up woe upon himself. But Jim Hendry's reaction to Bradley's latest antics is infuriating as well. But if Tom Ricketts knows what he's doing, the Bradley suspension should be ... Read More