Hire Jim Essian

No, Kevin Mitchell was not listed in baseball's infamous Mitchell Report. He probably wasn't on steroids. But he was an oversized left fielder for the San Francisco Giants who was so bad in the outfield that the greatest play he ever made involved him taking a horrible route to the ball and overrunning it by several feet. ... Read More

Ed. Note: When I'm long gone from this world and tales are told of what I did to make a difference in this life, no one will have an answer that doesn't, at some point, use the phrase "dick joke." Whether I leave a legacy in the expanding world of penis jokes or not, though, I certainly don't ... Read More

I don't have too much interest in the World Series this year. The Phillies were just in it last year, and it feels like the Yankees are always in it, even when they aren't. But I will be tuning in to Game Two of the World Series tonight. Long time Yankee nemesis Pedro Martinez is taking the ... Read More

The further removed we get from the Milton Bradley suspension, the angrier I get at both sides. Milton Bradley is a raging asshole who brought all of his made-up woe upon himself. But Jim Hendry's reaction to Bradley's latest antics is infuriating as well. But if Tom Ricketts knows what he's doing, the Bradley suspension should be ... Read More

Listen, potential Muskboxers. If Carrie has told you once, she's told you a MILLION times. If you're going to keep asking her the same stupid questions over and over and over again, she is going to have NO CHOICE but to publish said questions ad nauseum. So stop doing it unless you want your question answered! ... Read More

So, I was driving along I-55 the other day (wait for cheering to die down) when I noticed this SUV in front of me that had, so help me God, the vanity license plate "POO MAN." This was the best picture I could get without slamming into the median or, worse, into the POO MAN. But that plate ... Read More

If there's one thing I hate more than people who are famous just for being famous, it's already-famous people who try to be doubly famous for things at which they absolutely suck. Like Michael Jordan playing baseball. Or Shaquille O'Neal rapping. Or Russell Crowe acting. Number 58 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time ... Read More

So help me God, for my entire childhood I thought Lenny Dykstra had no teeth. The guy's mouth was blacker than a kid with braces eating Oreos. I did know one thing, though. I knew that every time "Nails" came up against the Cubs, he was going to be a huge pain in the ass for whichever ... Read More

This week's Muskbag somehow manages to revisit Rich Hill. No one revisits Rich Hill. Rich Hill isn't even going to have visitors at his house for Thanksgiving. But the Muskbag has all the Rich Hill coverage you could possibly want. I've been hearing that the Cubs are trying to shop Kosuke Fukudome. I'm not sure why they're trying ... Read More

The never-say-die attitude of America's Favorite TeamTM has caused sports network giant ESPN to pick the Boston Red Sox to win Game Eight of the American League Championship Series. Game Eight will be played tonight in Boston. If the Red Sox beat the upstart Tampa Bay Rays, they will clinch a Game Nine. The ALCS will continue ... Read More