Hire Jim Essian

On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

In a sad week of news for former catchers named Gary, it's only appropriate that Waukegan native Gary Bennett make his presence felt on HJE. Bennett spent his entire thirteen-year career as a backup catcher. He never played 100 games in a single season, and he played in only 587 MLB games. But that was plenty for the Waukegan Kid (I just made that up!) to cement his legacy as the 6th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time.

If you're interested in all things Geovany Soto, Brett Jackson, and Adrian Cardenas, well, this week's Muskbox is right up your alley! Also, if you're still hankering for chat about Koyie Hill, you're absolutely mental. But Carrie has answers to all the questions that you were frightened to ask. Except for questions about sex. Those questions are sick and wrong, and you're getting a little old for them, quite frankly.

Somewhere in the MLB Network studios, Sean Casey is still running out a double that he hit in 2006, his last year in the National League Central. That double was likely hit against a Cub pitcher. You see, the pudgy, slow-footed, affable Sean Casey did some of the best work of his 12-season career against the Chicago Cubs. ... Read More

As good as John Smoltz was throughout the course of his 21-season MLB career, he'll always be remembered for being even better in the playoffs. Specifically, for Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, during which only a superhuman effort from Jack Morris led to a Minnesota Twins victory over Smoltz's Atlanta Braves. The game is regarded as ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

Billy Wagner has had a very long, very successful MLB career. Wagner was half of a lethal back end of a Houston Astros bullpen in the early '00s. Wagner saved games behind setup man Octavio Dotel. He's saved quite a few of them in his sixteen seasons. 422, to be precise. He might be stuck ... Read More

First of all, if you want a link to the brilliant comic or loads more hilarious ones, TOO BAD. Nah, just kidding. It's here. SMBC does loads of good work, and there's new content every day. I don't know how he does it, but he does. And you get to reap the benefits. For those of ... Read More

Did you sit through the idiotic circus that was the Cubs-Red Sox series this weekend? Did you enjoy watching no fewer than 100 references to the 2003 playoffs? That series was ugly way before the Cubs started James Russell and lost two of three. But this isn't about that series. This is about the random autocomplete that I ... Read More

Ed. Note: As many of you are aware, since the departure of Lou Piniella, the Friday link dump has sought its own unique voice. Whether its content be true or not, this comment from Apex sparked in the dark corner of my brain the flicker of an idea. My freshman high school baseball coach was a weird ... Read More