Hire Jim Essian

Opening Day is finally here. Since you're all jobless losers, I assume you're going to be out drinking and watching the game tonight. And what's more fun than watching baseball and drinking? Why, watching baseball and BINGE drinking, of course! With that, here is your 2009 version of the Cubs Drinking Game. Play ball! ... Read More

How long has the Muskbag been back in Muskbox form? A couple of months? Why is this still at the top of every single one? The mailbag is back, but it's now the Inbox... Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can't find this column? Some Dipshit's Thoughts: I think I'll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see ... Read More

11 more wins. That's all the Cubs need to collect to make the unthinkable thinkable and to set off what will be the most ridiculous party in the history of the city of Chicago. You know HJE has a plan to count this down in style. Below are my top eleven moments of the 2008 season (in ... Read More

Why wouldn't the first Cub no-hitter in 36 years happen under the most unusual of circumstances? With Hurricane Ike doing a number on the Houston area, the Astros were forced to play a "home" game against the Cubs at Wrigley North. No one looked more at home at Miller Park than Carlos Zambrano did, as he faced only ... Read More

I guess my good friend PAUL SULLIVAN must have lost my phone number. He had a perfect opportunity to give his old pal Bad Kermit an opportunity to berate a bunch of dopey Cubs fans, and he wasted it on Ryan Theriot (be sure to check out the post-Mailbag comments; brilliant!). Fortunately, the questions are still hilariously stupid. Ryan, ... Read More

Let's face it. There was really only one reason to be disappointed that the Cubs lost last night. And that was because we didn't get the opportunity to see Len Kasper with a mustache (awesome work, guys) and Bob Brenly without one. The guys on Comcast Photoshopped a pretty sweet facial hair swap between the two, but ... Read More