Hire Jim Essian

I hope you idiots didn't forget that today is National Doughnut Day, so make sure you thank those great men and women who fought in the Doughnut Wars. I was a bit hungover under the weather earlier, so I apologize for the late Roundup. I sure hope you didn't get any work done this morning, or anything. Geovany Soto ... Read More

In case you haven't noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons: The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out. He's so dumb, his skin doesn't even realize he's white. He's going on a hunting trip with the Monsters in the Morning this ... Read More

You know that old adage, "If you can't laugh at yourself, then you suck"? I have to give credit to Carrie for not sucking today. (HT: James) Good one, Carrie. We're one step closing to you fisking one of the Muskboxes, and then I'll have to fisk that, and we'll just keep passing the same article ... Read More

Assuming Rich Hill ends up getting traded to Baltimore, that is an awful lot of Cubs castoffs who have been traded to the Orioles. So, let's throw some of the "top" players into the Fukudome and see what we get. VS. VS. VS. Rich Hill Corey Patterson Felix Pie Sammy Sosa ... Read More

In yet another move clearly designed to get Jake Peavy in a Cubs uniform, Jim Hendry traded Felix Pie and his out-of-control testicles to the Baltimore Orioles for LHP Garrett Olson and RHP Henry Williamson. I'm assuming this is part of the increasingly-more-complicated Peavy-for-Gathright, Miles, some dudes from the Indians, and some other dudes from the Orioles trade. Olson sucked ... Read More

Hello, everyone. This is guest blogger Aldolf, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of one of the most critically-acclaimed Cubs blogs on the internet. If you're wondering why I'm doing the Roundup this week, click here. It's Friday once again, my flock. And you know what that means? It means I'm going to spend the night unhappy and ... Read More

EDIT: It's come to my attention from my good friend PAUL SULLIVAN (through Dolan) that Carrie Muskat's father recently passed away. I know I have my fun at Carrie's expense on a weekly basis, but mine and I hope your thoughts and prayers are with the Muskat family in their time of grief. Oh, hey, I forgot to say ... Read More

What the hell is going on around here? Up is down. Down is up. We got that clown Dempster saying we weren't ready for the goddamn playoffs. I'm saying we were. We've got the Orioles saying that they want to be a competitive baseball team, yet they're looking at Cesar Izturis. We've got the Muskrat saying that we're ... Read More

Jeff Conine has been beating up on the Cubs since before you were born. At least if you're in high school. Conine's seventeen-year career was marked by consistency. You were pretty safe counting on Conine for about a .285/.350/.450 line throughout the course of his career. Unless, of course, he was playing the Cubs. In ... Read More

The only time I read Bleed Cubbie Blue is when someone on Desipio links it. For someone on Desipio to link it, the writing must be worse than normal. So when I saw a link to the hilariously stupid "Building A Cubs Champion: Introducing Your 2009 Chicago Cubs" I had to click it. I now fully understand ... Read More