Hire Jim Essian

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

If there's one thing Carrie Muskat is obsessed with, it's bobby pins. If there are two things she is obsessed with, those things are bobby pins and tiny, bad baseball players. That's probably why her last two articles have had more Tony Campana in them than his baseball hat does. Yes, this week's Muskbox is seriously discussing a guy who really shouldn't be on the roster by the end of February. Love the Muskbox or hate it. At least it's consistent.

If the Muskbox is a competition, someone has finally won it. The prize? Free dinner with Carrie! The losers all won free breakfast with Carrie. In all my years of fisking the Muskbox, I have finally arrived at not only the dumbest question ever asked, but also a response so silent regarding the stupidity, that it echoes throughout the ages. I hope you're seated for this week's Muskbox, because who the hell stands at a desk, anyhow? Dwight Schrute?

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

When we last left The Muskbox, she was busy scoffing at the mere SUGGESTION of a Jumbo-Tron and weighing the Cubs' options for manager. A lot has happened since those simple days nearly a month ago. The Cubs hired Dale Sveum, Greg Maddux took his talents south, and you ate a bunch of turkey, drank some cognac, and punched your uncle. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN THANKSGIVING EVERY YEAR? Perhaps Greg's departure to Texas caused something in Carrie to snap, because in this week's Muskbox, she gets weirdly southern. READ ON, Y'ALL!

As Theo Epstein Week continues, two things have occurred: I feel absolutely terrible for Jed Hoyer. He's a damn good general manager. Has anyone seen HIM at Starbucks? Has anyone stalked HIM and said creepy things about how they've been waiting for him for 103 years? Has anyone introduced HIM to Ronnie Woo-Woo? Steve Rosenbloom has declared the ... Read More

I haven't had the opportunity to watch Catching Hell, the horrible documentary on Steve Bartman. I feel obligated to do so, despite the fact that I've seen the infamous play more times than I've seen The Big Lebowski. Which is to say, a lot of times. Bartman has been through a lot, which is why it was ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

I'm going to get around to posting the Photoshops from the other day. I'm also going to get around to the next entry on the T79. But occasionally there comes along an article so stupid, that it must immediately be addressed. Five times out of ten, that article is written by Phil Rogers. But the other ... Read More

I know you're already anticipating next week's Muskbox, when someone from Terrae Haute suggests that the Cubs take a flyer on Milton Bradley and start him at first base over Pena. Sadly, you and I still have to get through this week's Muskbox, however. But, because we're Americans, we get up, we read our Muskbox even though we ... Read More