Hire Jim Essian

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

Now Pujols you're a Card no more, You once hit a curve ball off the Lord, But you don't really care for baseball, do you? You batted third, And fourth, and fifth. The minors fell; you never whiffed. The Majors called and said, "Go two-for-two, yeah?"

I wish Steve Rosenbloom understood that contrarian arguments are only good if the contrary view is at least reasonable. Like, the growing "The Walking Dead is dreadfully boring with horrible acting and bad writing" movement that I fully support. But Rosenbloom just takes ANY popular topic and says the exact opposite. Which is why his latest masterpiece essentially posits, "WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THE CUBS WANT PRINCE FIELDER OR ALBERT PUJOLS???"

The World Series is finally upon us. There are only 4-7 baseball games left in the 2011 season before you have to accept the reality that is the Chicago Bears. Tonight, Chris Carpenter will take the hill for the St. Louis Cardinals against C.J. Wilson. I'd like to take a moment to send my sincerest wishes for ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

When I saw there was a new Muskbox, I naturally assumed it would be filled with questions about the future of Carlos Zambrano. If there's one thing the Muskbox can do, however, it's surprise you. There's not a single damn thing in this week's Muskbox about Zambrano. What a helpful feature! Have you heard anything to suggest the ... Read More

Does anyone honestly believe that Albert Pujols isn't using SOMETHING? The behemoth came back from a BROKEN ARM to play Major League Baseball a MONTH ahead of schedule. I once took two months off baseball on account of baldness. But by all means, Bud. When your head isn't up your heiny, please continue shoving it in ... Read More

You know, the Cardinals flat-out SHOULD have swept the lifeless Cubs this weekend. They're a far better team with a much better starting rotation and offense, even WITH Matt Holliday out. You know what else? Jeff Samardzija's pitch to Albert Pujols on Saturday wasn't THAT bad a pitch. And you know one more thing? HOW ... Read More