Hire Jim Essian

There was a time not so long ago when Adam Dunn was a legitimate threat to use a baseball bat to make contact with a baseball. A simpler time, when Dunn was a National League player forced to run around uncomfortably in the infield or outfield with a glove on his hand. A time when Dunn would positively VORP your face off, even as radio callers would complain about his copious strikeouts and "three possible outcomes" approach to hitting. It was in this far simpler time that the man who would become the 19th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time was born.

Throughout the course of his 22 seasons as manager of the Chicago White Sox, Ozzie Guillen was a lot of things to a lot of people. Pariah. Messiah. Leader. Follower. Goat. Venezuelan. Understandable. Misunderstood. Controversial. Christ-like. Winner. Loser. Friend. Roman. Countryman. Healer. Not-stop-believer. ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

Sometimes, the biggest Cub Killers of my time aren't all about the statistics. Sometimes, they're more about the timing of their hits than the number or distance of those hits. Sometimes, there was just an opponent that any rational Cubs fan did NOT want to see at the plate or on the mound in a crucial situation. ... Read More

This week's Muskbox sadly came out just before Ryan Theriot was traded to the Cardinals, natural enemies of the Cub. But that's okay. I suspect that next week's Muskbox is going to be absolutely epic in its garment-rending. But fisking duty calls. Marlon Byrd was awesome in center field this year. Did he get any votes for a ... Read More

Welcome to your weekly dose of questions about the playing roles of fringe Cubs who, in a perfect world, won't be on the team next year. Hell, even in a non-horrible world they won't be on the team next year. But these questions continue. They persist. They eat your very soul. So, if you're driven ... Read More

What special brand of madness awaits us in this week's Muskbox? Will it find a place for Carlos Zambrano...AT FIRST BASE? Will the Muskbox play Robert Langdon as she unravels the mystery of the EX-CUB FACTOR? WHERE SHOULD WE SEND TYLER COLVIN'S WEDDING GIFTS??? Some of those questions may or may not be answered below. How is ... Read More

I'm sure the four of you still reading HJE will be sad to know that we're going to be on vacation for a while. Until October 8th, to be exact. Lou was smart enough to bail on the season with nearly a month and half left. We're bailing with about a week and a half left. ... Read More

Our latest installment of the Muskbox commits a fallacy of the undistributed middle, frets over the career of Micah Hoffpauir, and throws a wild kegger in Vinton, Iowa! Join me, won't you, on our weekly excursion into the minds of the mentally-impaired? Why don't the Cubs just go ahead and let Castro open the season at shortstop and move Ryan ... Read More

Look, maybe Mark McGwire did some stuff right, and maybe he did some stuff wrong. Who's to say? Not me, not the Hall of Fame voters, and not anyone who has a memory of longer than about a week. Don't forget to come out to Shitty O'Kea's at 8:00 tonight, and don't forget, as always, to send ... Read More