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It’s Impossible to Not Mock the Sox

Fat Kuntz.

HT: @dorkimoe

Boy howdy, do I hate linking to Deadspin. Unfortunately, I can’t find this ridiculous White Sox intro video anywhere else. (HT: Pre) It’s not just that the song is terrible. It’s not just that the lip-syncing matches the audio as well as a Bruce Lee movie. It’s not just that they’re trying to be “hip” with backwards hats and a positively Fred Durst-esque sound. It’s not just that it’s the White Sox.

It’s all of those things.

Hangout: Episode 16 – Hangin’ with Mr. Dolan

Seriously.

Also, Dolan describes being temporarily black during the Hangout.

Like the good old days, Dolan and I are flying duo in this week’s Hangout. The look of joy on Dolan’s face in the YouTube freeze frame is because he missed having me all to himself. We actually talk a lot of baseball for the first time in, like, ever. Mostly because there’s baseball to be talked about. We also talk a lot about MLB ’13: The Show and BioShock Infinite. Because both of those games are fucking awesome.

Miraculously, we also don’t drop Dolan at all. And at least one person actually watched the whole damn thing unfold live.

Also, we mention the Nate Schierholtz Fan Club, so brush up on it.

First Place!

He's lifting that guy's wallet!

I think I see Ronnie Woo-Woo!

I made up some ludicrous statistics during yesterday’s LiveBlog of the Cubs’ 3-1 Opening Day victory. One ludicrous statistic that I did not make up is this one. In 2012, the Cubs were not only never in first place, but they were never over .500. In 2011, the Cubs were never in first place, and were not over .500 after April 20, 2011. In 2010, the Cubs were never in first place.

The last time you had the opportunity to say “first-place Cubs” was Wednesday, August 5, 2009, when, at 57-49, they were in a virtual tie with the 59-51 Cardinals. That is 1,336 days. Or three years, seven months, and twenty-eight days.

Enjoy it.

LIVEBLOG! The 2013 Nut-Punch Begins

Pace yourselves.

We have to watch 161 more of these…things.

I guess I might as well liveblog/livetweet Opening Day for you saps still working for the man. I do your dirty work so you can do other people’s dirty work. First pitch is in about 10 minutes. If the games were played on the PS3, that means we would be underway around 5:00 tonight. Follow the liveblog here or @hirejimessian.

[liveblog]

Who’s Ruining Comedy?

You know. If he wanted to.

I wish Harry would rise from the dead and fuck both of their stupid faces.

Despite it being the Rangers and the Astros, it was exciting to see the return of meaningful baseball last night. That is, until Ryan fucking Dempster showed up. There was a “could-have-been-cute” MLB commercial depicting several players “acting” out Abbott and Costello’s classic comedy routine, “Who’s on First?”

Naturally, (HA!) Dempster absolutely ruined it by putting his “Dempster” stink on it. Look, I understand opinions on comedy are subjective. But only an utter, narcissistic asshole would take one of the most classic, tightly-written, timeless bits in comedy history and try to put his own flair on it. They didn’t show all of Dempster’s routine with Jarrod Saltalamacchia last night, so fortunately I found it for you. Enjoy!

SALTALAMACCHIA: Well Dempster, I’m playing in Boston with you. You know John Farrell, the Red Sox’s manager, gave me a job as catcher for as long as you’re on the team.

DEMPSTER: Look Salty, if you’re the catcher, you must know all the players.

S: I certainly do.

D: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team and I’ll be able to give them hilarious nicknames like “Hershey Squirts” and “Babyface” and “Farts”.

S: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

D: You mean (spins polka-dot bow tie he’s suddenly wearing) funny names?

S: Strange names, pet names…like Dizzy Dean…

D: His brother Jimmy Dean!

S: That- isn’t how it goes. And “Daffy” is funnier, anyhow.

D: And Billy Jean!

S: That’s the wrong last name. And she was actually a girl.

D: Who thinks that I am the one!

S: Is that- Is that even supposed to be a joke? You’re just saying lyrics. Well, never mind. Let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third.

D: That’s what I want to find out. Are you saying that the first baseman’s name is “Who”? (winks at camera)

S: Can you just stick to the script? My lines make no sense if you don’t just stick to the script. I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.

D: Are you the catcher, or are you some doo-doo head guy whose name sounds like an Eye-talian pasta dish? THAT’S AMORE!!!

S: Yes, I’m the catcher.

D: And you don’t know the fellows’ names? That stinks worse than the flower on my lapel! (squirts Saltalamacchia with flower)

S: Well, I should.

D: Well then some guy whose actual name is “Who” is the guy on first?

S: Yes. Listen, the phrasing of this routine is pretty crucial for it to work.

D: I mean, “Who” is the fellow’s name.

S: Who.

D: The guy on first. That’s what it says on his actual birth certificate.

S: Who.

D: So, it’s sort of like how we have a guy on the Rangers named Yu.

S: (tries to play along) Me?

D: No, Yu Darvish. I could see how that might be confusing for Yu, though.

S: You mean, confusing for me?

D: No, Yu! Because he speaks Asian! Ching chong!!! I’ll have the number 26 chicken special!

S: That’s the man’s name.

D: And that’s not really chicken!

S: Look, let’s move on. Don’t you want to know what the guy on second base’s name is?

D: (winds up chattering teeth and sighs) I guessssss.

S: What is on second base.

D: We signed a guy named “What”? Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious! I’m going to call him “Butt” because it rhymes.

S: Well, what’s on second.

D: What what in the butt, what what! Raise the roof, Salty!

S: What does that even mean?

D: I don’t know.

S: Oh! He’s on third. We’re not talking about him.

D: Now how did I get on third base? Probably a sacrifice bunt gone RIGHT! Classic Dempster tripling on a bunt!

S: Why you mentioned his name. And you know you don’t bat any-

D: (mimes a bunt and makes cheering crowd noises)

S: Maybe we should just skip ahead to the outfield.

D: I used to skip in the outfield all the time when I was in Horsey League in Canada. We call it Horsey League instead of Pony League because it was Canada, and we use the metric system. (makes rim shot sound)

S: Can you please just ask me the left fielder’s name?

D: The left fielder’s name?

S: Why.

D: Because I want to know which guy’s salary I’m going to eat up most of and spend on Big Bang Theory DVDs.

S: (looks through script) Because is in center field.

D: Listen, just pull my finger so we can wrap this up.

S: Fuck you, Dempster. Fuck you.

D: FAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTT!

LIVEBLOG! MLB ’13 The Show Quick Peek

Seriously, is that supposed to be Brett Jackson?

So real, I don’t recognize who the hell the video game versions of these guys are, either.

My mom is awesome. As I was advising her on which baseball video game to buy my nephew, she said, “Maybe I should just give the game to you.” I agreed, because he’s, like, nine, and he’s going to live to see the day when he plays video game baseball in some sort of dome contraption that makes it feel like he’s actually playing on Wrigley Field. So, screw him. More importantly, this means I can review MLB ’13 The Show for your reading enjoyment.

As you may be aware, the first thing I used to do in any iteration of a baseball video game was fire up a Cubs-Cardinals game and bean Albert Pujols in the penis. Mass Effect 3 got in the way of writing about last year’s tradition, and it wouldn’t feel right to play against the Angels, so I’m just going to jump right in to a franchise and try to play along as best I can with the season. This will last approximately three days until I realize the impossibility of that task.

[liveblog]

Somehow, We’re Still Hanging Out Together

Bring it home, Welington!

I’m nearly a week late in posting the newest Hangout. And I read off my anti-fantasy baseball roster. Because that is good watching. Deal with it.

We actually talk mainly about baseball this week, though most of it is fantasy baseball. There’s also some weirdness with a Pete Rose commercial. And we of course talk about movies and video games, because we know significantly more about those than we do about baseball. Enjoy!

Razzball/Neifiball Draft Tonight

This is a reminder for those lucky nine of you who signed up for Razzball/Neifiball/Antisy Baseball. The draft is at 8:00 p.m. CST tonight. If you can’t make the draft, be sure to pre-rank your players. It’s WAY more important to pre-rank in Neifiball than it is in any other fantasy draft. You don’t want to be the dope who doesn’t pre-draft and ends up with a team of scrubs like Verlander, Trout, and Stanton DO YOU???

League page is here for those who don’t know how to use a computer.

Friday Roundup: The “I Don’t Know How to Use the Internet” Edition

Melancholy courtesy of hirejimessian.com.

Image also courtesy of mashable.com.

Why is the Roundup so late? Because of a horrible, horrible thing that has come to pass. It’s with a sadness in my heart that I report that Google is discontinuing Google Reader. Since HJE has existed, Reader has been the way I do the Roundup. For years, it was the easiest way to pull articles from all the terrible websites I read. Including this one. It was a quick (or exhausting) break from work. I don’t really know how to use the internet without RSS. Do people, like, go to websites they like? Like, every day? That’s fucking weird. Now, I find myself forced to move over to Feedly. Which is…ehhh. I’m sure Reader will pop up on Google+ anyhow. Which, by the way, is such a refreshingly clean social network. Probably because none of my friends ever post anything on it. Oh, well.

Your tips are even more appreciated now that Reader has a death date. LONG LIVE THE TIPS!!!
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Randall Earp

And fewer Kevin Millars.

Seriously, though, the world needs more Randall Simons.

Twitter is a funny beast. It’s interesting being able to read the innermost thoughts about what reality stars are having for breakfast. Or what actors think about politics. Or to see how some people who are hilarious on stage or screen are terribly unfunny at 140 characters at a time. Last week, I learned that former Curacaoan Cub Randall Simon was on Twitter.

Naturally, I had to follow him.

His Twitter feed is mostly terrible, and there’s a lot of it. It mostly appears to be his thoughts while he’s watching sports. Or Sportscenter. Or the MLB Network. Or tweeting “Whats [sic] up…” to Kevin Millar. Speaking of, go ahead and GUESS how terrible Millar’s Twitter feed is. I’ll give you a second.

Have your answer?

It’s worse than that poor woman in the DirecTV commercial getting sodomized by that inflatable dancing arms guy. It’s so bad, he used the hashtag #Gotheeeem as recently as March 10th. It’s so bad, this is the most grammatically-correct tweet on it: “This isn’t English class There,their, or they’re you get it bottom line 41yrs young with Highlights” It’s so bad, Gordon Wittenmyer follows it.

But I digress. One of the amusing things Twitter does is recommends “suggestions similar” to those folks you follow. My suggestions similar to Randall Simon included the following:

Scruffy, the janitor from Futurama.
Jerktweets, a (badly-written, mind you) feed for jerks.
Wyatt Earp, a feed that doesn’t understand what a mock celebrity feed is supposed to be.

You’re all things to all people, Randall Simon. You’re the everyman janitor, the occasional jerk, and the unflinching lawman we all wish we could be. Shine on, Randall Simon. Shine on.