It’s all of those things.
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Miraculously, we also don’t drop Dolan at all. And at least one person actually watched the whole damn thing unfold live.
Also, we mention the Nate Schierholtz Fan Club, so brush up on it.
The last time you had the opportunity to say “first-place Cubs” was Wednesday, August 5, 2009, when, at 57-49, they were in a virtual tie with the 59-51 Cardinals. That is 1,336 days. Or three years, seven months, and twenty-eight days.
Naturally, (HA!) Dempster absolutely ruined it by putting his “Dempster” stink on it. Look, I understand opinions on comedy are subjective. But only an utter, narcissistic asshole would take one of the most classic, tightly-written, timeless bits in comedy history and try to put his own flair on it. They didn’t show all of Dempster’s routine with Jarrod Saltalamacchia last night, so fortunately I found it for you. Enjoy!
SALTALAMACCHIA: Well Dempster, I’m playing in Boston with you. You know John Farrell, the Red Sox’s manager, gave me a job as catcher for as long as you’re on the team.
DEMPSTER: Look Salty, if you’re the catcher, you must know all the players.
S: I certainly do.
D: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team and I’ll be able to give them hilarious nicknames like “Hershey Squirts” and “Babyface” and “Farts”.
S: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
D: You mean (spins polka-dot bow tie he’s suddenly wearing) funny names?
S: Strange names, pet names…like Dizzy Dean…
D: His brother Jimmy Dean!
S: That- isn’t how it goes. And “Daffy” is funnier, anyhow.
D: And Billy Jean!
S: That’s the wrong last name. And she was actually a girl.
D: Who thinks that I am the one!
S: Is that- Is that even supposed to be a joke? You’re just saying lyrics. Well, never mind. Let’s see, we have on the bags, Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third.
D: That’s what I want to find out. Are you saying that the first baseman’s name is “Who”? (winks at camera)
S: Can you just stick to the script? My lines make no sense if you don’t just stick to the script. I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
D: Are you the catcher, or are you some doo-doo head guy whose name sounds like an Eye-talian pasta dish? THAT’S AMORE!!!
S: Yes, I’m the catcher.
D: And you don’t know the fellows’ names? That stinks worse than the flower on my lapel! (squirts Saltalamacchia with flower)
S: Well, I should.
D: Well then some guy whose actual name is “Who” is the guy on first?
S: Yes. Listen, the phrasing of this routine is pretty crucial for it to work.
D: I mean, “Who” is the fellow’s name.
D: The guy on first. That’s what it says on his actual birth certificate.
D: So, it’s sort of like how we have a guy on the Rangers named Yu.
S: (tries to play along) Me?
D: No, Yu Darvish. I could see how that might be confusing for Yu, though.
S: You mean, confusing for me?
D: No, Yu! Because he speaks Asian! Ching chong!!! I’ll have the number 26 chicken special!
S: That’s the man’s name.
D: And that’s not really chicken!
S: Look, let’s move on. Don’t you want to know what the guy on second base’s name is?
D: (winds up chattering teeth and sighs) I guessssss.
S: What is on second base.
D: We signed a guy named “What”? Ha ha ha! That’s hilarious! I’m going to call him “Butt” because it rhymes.
S: Well, what’s on second.
D: What what in the butt, what what! Raise the roof, Salty!
S: What does that even mean?
D: I don’t know.
S: Oh! He’s on third. We’re not talking about him.
D: Now how did I get on third base? Probably a sacrifice bunt gone RIGHT! Classic Dempster tripling on a bunt!
S: Why you mentioned his name. And you know you don’t bat any-
D: (mimes a bunt and makes cheering crowd noises)
S: Maybe we should just skip ahead to the outfield.
D: I used to skip in the outfield all the time when I was in Horsey League in Canada. We call it Horsey League instead of Pony League because it was Canada, and we use the metric system. (makes rim shot sound)
S: Can you please just ask me the left fielder’s name?
D: The left fielder’s name?
D: Because I want to know which guy’s salary I’m going to eat up most of and spend on Big Bang Theory DVDs.
S: (looks through script) Because is in center field.
D: Listen, just pull my finger so we can wrap this up.
S: Fuck you, Dempster. Fuck you.
As you may be aware, the first thing I used to do in any iteration of a baseball video game was fire up a Cubs-Cardinals game and bean Albert Pujols in the penis. Mass Effect 3 got in the way of writing about last year’s tradition, and it wouldn’t feel right to play against the Angels, so I’m just going to jump right in to a franchise and try to play along as best I can with the season. This will last approximately three days until I realize the impossibility of that task.
We actually talk mainly about baseball this week, though most of it is fantasy baseball. There’s also some weirdness with a Pete Rose commercial. And we of course talk about movies and video games, because we know significantly more about those than we do about baseball. Enjoy!
This is a reminder for those lucky nine of you who signed up for Razzball/Neifiball/Antisy Baseball. The draft is at 8:00 p.m. CST tonight. If you can’t make the draft, be sure to pre-rank your players. It’s WAY more important to pre-rank in Neifiball than it is in any other fantasy draft. You don’t want to be the dope who doesn’t pre-draft and ends up with a team of scrubs like Verlander, Trout, and Stanton DO YOU???
League page is here for those who don’t know how to use a computer.
Your tips are even more appreciated now that Reader has a death date. LONG LIVE THE TIPS!!!
Naturally, I had to follow him.
His Twitter feed is mostly terrible, and there’s a lot of it. It mostly appears to be his thoughts while he’s watching sports. Or Sportscenter. Or the MLB Network. Or tweeting “Whats [sic] up…” to Kevin Millar. Speaking of, go ahead and GUESS how terrible Millar’s Twitter feed is. I’ll give you a second.
Have your answer?
It’s worse than that poor woman in the DirecTV commercial getting sodomized by that inflatable dancing arms guy. It’s so bad, he used the hashtag #Gotheeeem as recently as March 10th. It’s so bad, this is the most grammatically-correct tweet on it: “This isn’t English class There,their, or they’re you get it bottom line 41yrs young with Highlights” It’s so bad, Gordon Wittenmyer follows it.
But I digress. One of the amusing things Twitter does is recommends “suggestions similar” to those folks you follow. My suggestions similar to Randall Simon included the following:
You’re all things to all people, Randall Simon. You’re the everyman janitor, the occasional jerk, and the unflinching lawman we all wish we could be. Shine on, Randall Simon. Shine on.