Hire Jim Essian

Gary Carter is dead. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you Cub-killers. Seriously, though, Carter was a great player and the stupid Mets should have retired his number when he was still alive. They'll probably do it on opening day of this season. Idiots. I'm sick of these post-mortem tributes to great players. Let the guys enjoy their honors while they're still around to enjoy them.

If there's one thing Carrie Muskat is obsessed with, it's bobby pins. If there are two things she is obsessed with, those things are bobby pins and tiny, bad baseball players. That's probably why her last two articles have had more Tony Campana in them than his baseball hat does. Yes, this week's Muskbox is seriously discussing a guy who really shouldn't be on the roster by the end of February. Love the Muskbox or hate it. At least it's consistent.

The interwebs are all aflutter about the possibility of the Cubs playing their home games in U.S. Cellular Field throughout the 2013 season. Why? Because the internet is full of lunatics. Despite what Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer say about the 2012 season being a "building" not a "rebuilding," it's a rebuilding. They're not going to be good. Don't get me wrong, I'm likely going to watch more Cubs games this season than I have in the past two seasons combined. I'm excited to watch a team that's been so drastically revamped. I'm loving this offseason, so I'll say it right now. The only thing that would make Theo's first season in Chicago a bigger success would be if they finally admit that putting Band-Aids on Wrigley Field isn't going to work. Rebuild the team; rebuild the park.

I get that directed marketing is probably much more effective for businesses than purchasing general ad space. I don't buy into the arguments that it's an invasion of privacy, nor do I really care that Google knows I'm dumb enough to go on Cubs.com. Most of the time, I actually prefer having relevant ads on the sidebars of the sites I visit. But all of my good feelings about directed marketing were erased from existence this morning.

The Phantom Menace comes out in three dimensions today. That's three more dimensions than Anakin Skywalker has in the prequels. That's three more dimensions than any line of dialogue George Lucas has ever written has. A lot of people say that Lucas can do whatever he wants to his own IP. But on behalf of those of us who foolishly sank our cash into making him the least-talented billionaire on the planet, I say fuck that. His campaign to use up any good will he had remaining among the rabid Star Wars fans of my generation culminates with him flat-out LYING about the intent of his film originally, claiming that Greedo was always meant to have shot first. I've seen A New Hope at least 100 times, and I can assure you that Lucas is full of shit, and it's insulting that he expects anyone to believe that he's not. So, George, stuff your stupid idea that a shitty movie is going to somehow be more interesting because it's in 3D. Sure, it worked for Avatar, but that's different.

The search has begun for a new official WGN Radio Cubs song. I want to win. WGN has had nothing but terrible songs assailing your eardrums since the 1998 season. I can write some lyrics, but I have never composed a tune, can barely play a guitar, and my singing experience doesn't go far beyond a stirring karaoke rendition of Runaround Sue. If you're a tune writer who can't write lyrics, and you know a singer who has nothing to sing, let's get together and destroy the competition. I'm serious.

If you're interested in all things Geovany Soto, Brett Jackson, and Adrian Cardenas, well, this week's Muskbox is right up your alley! Also, if you're still hankering for chat about Koyie Hill, you're absolutely mental. But Carrie has answers to all the questions that you were frightened to ask. Except for questions about sex. Those questions are sick and wrong, and you're getting a little old for them, quite frankly.

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Not the Super Bowl in general. I'm American, so I naturally love watching the evolution of gladiatorial sports. No, I mean this Super Bowl specifically. There is literally nothing to like about it. Either asshole New York fans are going to be happy, or Massholes are going to be happy. I guess on the other side of the coin, one of those two populations is going to be sad. But that's stupid. Anyhow, this may be the first Super Bowl since Super Bowl XLII when I cared more about the commercials than the game. But I care most about your tips, without which the Roundup would be as incomplete as a Muskbox without a parenthetical interruptor.

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.