Friday Roundup: The “Ryan Dempster is Still an Asshole” Edition

Thanks(?) to Da Chief and Barstool Sports for providing me with the delightful picture of infamous dipshit Ryan Dempster. Might as well dress like a clown if you’re going to act like one all the time, I guess. I haven’t watched a single second of the World Series to this point, and I plan on keeping it that way. So Dempster could have worn that suit on the field for all I know. I heard there was an atrocious call in Game One that got reversed, so I’m assuming not only are both teams in the Series terrible pieces of shit, but so are the umpires! Hooray! I’m going to make this Roundup quick, and I’m going to make it dirty. I know I normally take great care in editing these things, so forgive my errors and omissions.

This suit is so wacky! LOL!

Friday Roundup: The “DON’T HIRE DUSTY BAKER!” Edition 1

The Cincinnati Reds finally figured out what the San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs already knew. Dusty Baker is a cartoonish, narcissistic oaf who can’t manage baseball teams or personalities. The Reds fired Baker today, which would be hilarious if the Cubs weren’t looking for a manager. (HT: Pre) Unfortunately for the Cubs, not only are the Reds another suitor the managerial candidates out there, but also it’s going to be hard for the Reds to hire someone worse than Baker. Though I think they could probably pry Bobby Valentine away from Sacred Heart. The biggest winner in today’s firing is Johnny Cueto’s arm.

Well, at least he didn't get caught with his pants down.

MY TIME HAS COME.

HIRE JIM ESSIAN! 3

Hey, Al doesn’t have the market cornered on open letters to the Cubs front office that Theo Epstein will never read. Theo, you’ve done a lot of good in Chicago to this point. You’ve improved the team. You got rid of that alpaca manager. You haven’t acknowledged the idiot fan […]


Phil Rogers Needs a Fact-Checker, So We Let Him Borrow Ours

HJE pater noster TJ forwarded me an email he sent to Phil Rogers after Phil posted this piece of garbage over the weekend and wrote, “With the Pirates’ 20-year losing streak finally over, it’s time to turn our national attention to the Royals, who last went to the playoffs in 1985. Their 28-year streak without a postseason trip is the longest drought in the history of MLB and longer than any in the NFL, NBA or NHL.” Today is Phil’s last day at the Tribune, presumably because of this very article. He’s heading to MLB.com, so I guess I’m NOT going to buy MLB.tv next year. Presumably, OUR GOOD FRIEND Paul Sullivan will get Phil’s gig, which is nice, because Chicago’s national baseball coverage will no longer be hilariously inept. Anyhow, I’ll let TJ speak for himself (and us ALL).

Mostly, we'll miss your sense of style.

We'll always remember the meth.

Friday Roundup: The “Not With a Bang, But a Whimper” Edition 1

Welp, here we are at the end of another season. We had some laughs. We shared some tears. We watched ten minutes of baseball. The races weren’t even really that compelling this season, which was a bit disappointing. Though I still think the addition of yet another wild card team […]


The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: SP Matt Clement 2

With the goateed Matt Clement, we reach the end of the starting rotation of the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time. And how. For while Matt Clement initially got a bad reputation after the 2003 playoffs when rumors abounded that he refused to go to the bullpen in the NLCS, we all know that Dusty Baker was the mismanaging nitwit behind that decision. And here’s the thing. Without Clement, the Cubs wouldn’t have been in the 2003 playoffs at all. Not a bad contribution for a player who was a gamble in the Antonio Alfonseca trade. So Matt Clement rounds out the starting rotation of the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.

DAT BEARD.

Catch the mist.  Catch the myth.  Catch the mystery.  Catch a whiff.  Seriously.  Look at that gut.

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: SP Glendon Rusch 4

Glendon Rusch may not be the worst overall player on this roster, but when he was signed by the Cubs prior to the 2004 season, he was certainly coming off the worst season of any of the guys on the roster so far. His 2003 season in Milwaukee was nothing short of atrocious, and Cubs fans had no reason to expect that Rusch wouldn’t be the main reason for the collapse of the 2004 season. Rusch, contrary to all of our expections, had the best year of his career in 2004. The fact that he was not an asshole on a team more full of them than r/gonewild made him even more likable. So he becomes the fourth member of the starting rotation on the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.


Friday Roundup: The “Audio-Video Club” Edition

Hello, internet people. This Roundup is very video-heavy, so I’m sorry if you’re at work. Actually, I’m not. You should probably be working. Or at least calling in sick to play GTAV. I’ve managed to hold off buying it so far, but my resolve is crumbling. You can, apparently, compete in a triathlon in the game, which seems far easier than competing in an actual triathlon.

Ha ha! The Cardinals are stupid.

To be played by Kevin Costner in his upcoming biopic, "Tap into America".

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: SP Kevin Tapani

This pick is sure to bring glee to loyal reader Section 242, who is a bigger Kevin Tapani fan than even you are, Mrs. Tapani. Not only was Kevin Tapani not very effective in his thirteen MLB seasons, he wasn’t even particularly good as a Cub. Yet, somehow, in 1998, he just. Kept. Winning. Only 9 times in the HISTORY OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL has a pitcher compiled 19 or more wins in a season while also posting an ERA north of 4.50. It hasn’t happened since Tapani did it in 1998. Tapani has the third-highest ERA in the history of Major League Baseball for a pitcher who won 19+ games. The #1 guy was named Bobo Newsom, so GUESS HOW RECENTLY HE PLAYED. The #2 guy, Ray Kremer, won 20 games in 1930. Listen to this. In 276 innings pitched, Kremer struck out only FIFTY-EIGHT GUYS. That’s ONE strikeout every EIGHTEEN INNINGS. But unfortunately for Bobo, he was a Cub way before my time. And unfortunately for Kremer, he was never a Cub. So neither of them have the honor that Tapani does of making the starting rotation of the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.