Have you lost weight since the first of the year? Have you switched to e-cigarettes like an utter douchebag? Are you on the wagon? Have you been practicing guitar every day? How are your resolutions going? Probably better than the Muskbox’s, assuming her resolution was to use the Muskbox for helpful informational purposes in 2014. The new year brings a new Box. Same as the old Box.
Or Monday Roundup, whatever. My new year’s resolution was to try to get back into posting regularly. I didn’t say when, I didn’t say how, and I’ve never vouched for the quality. Happy New Year to those of you still obsessing over lunar cycles solar revolutions. For the rest of you, happy 68th of Smarch!
What a year the 2013 Cubs had! They avoided 100 losses, they fired their dull manager, they hired a new dull manager, and they watched Tony LaRussa get voted into the Hall of Fame. On this, the day after you drank alcohol and probably said something stupid to a hot girl, let’s give out some inaugural year-end awards. WELCOME TO THE ESSIES!
Hello, internet friends. The end of the year is nearly upon us! The biggest story of the Cubs’ offseason so far has been the inking of doubles machine Ron Coomer to the WGN radio gig. I’m glad Coomer got the job. Not because I think he’ll be good. He may be. I don’t know. I’ve never heard the guy. But at least Todd Hollandsworth won’t be guffawing up the broadcast. I can’t wait to hear how Pat Hughes introduces him. Santo was “Cub legend.” Moreland was “former Cubs star.” Coomer must be “former Cub backup third baseman.” I wonder how many lonely, confused, blue-haired widows are going to send a very confusing fax confessing their love for the new Ron. Based on his attendance game picks, Pat is going with a cool dozen.
If it seems like I’ve been neglecting you, I HAVE. You know. Life ‘n’ junk. Plus, now that the new Xbox is out, don’t expect daddy to come home straight from work any time soon. If only UPS would get here.
Hire Jim Essian has now been around for the hiring of Mike Quade, Dale Sveum, and Rick Renteria, and the Cubs haven’t even INTERVIEWED Skip. I’m starting to think I’m wasting my life. Eh. I’d probably just fritter the extra time away playing Tiny Death Star, anyhow. Welcome to November, the month where Quade-like dudes like me get really embarrassed explaining why we aren’t growing mustaches. I skipped shaving the upper lip for about four days, and I look like a high school sophomore. LINE UP, LADIES.
Christmas came early this year, my friends. Dumb questions about the Cubs have gone unanswered for ages. They’ve been building up in the brains of those people still actually thinking about a 66-96 team in November. Have no fear, simpletons! Carrie has returned from on high with a new picture, new answers, and, inexplicably, two stone tablets! Get ready for a lot of questions about third base which probably could have been combined into one answer, but were NOT!
Sammy Sosa ended his MLB career with 609 home runs. Rick Wilkins ended his MLB career with 81 home runs. As teammates on the 1993 Cubs, Sosa only out-homered Wilkins by three, as the two led the team. Wilkins’ 30 home runs in 1993 were more than twice the number he had any any other one year of his career. In fact, if you combine Wilkins’ home run totals in any other three years in the MLB, those totals won’t add up to 30. Rick Wilkins pulled a Brady Anderson three years before Brady Anderson did it himself. For one year, Wilkins was an elite catcher. And for his other years in a Cub uniform, he wasn’t complete crap, which is more than you can say for the rest of Wilkins’ career stops. For that reason, Wilkins handles the pitching staff for the Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time.
Thanks(?) to Da Chief and Barstool Sports for providing me with the delightful picture of infamous dipshit Ryan Dempster. Might as well dress like a clown if you’re going to act like one all the time, I guess. I haven’t watched a single second of the World Series to this point, and I plan on keeping it that way. So Dempster could have worn that suit on the field for all I know. I heard there was an atrocious call in Game One that got reversed, so I’m assuming not only are both teams in the Series terrible pieces of shit, but so are the umpires! Hooray! I’m going to make this Roundup quick, and I’m going to make it dirty. I know I normally take great care in editing these things, so forgive my errors and omissions.