Hire Jim Essian

One thing I wanted to mention before this week's Roundup. I was rushed for time earlier this week when I encouraged the Cubs to suck. I don't want the Cubs to call up players to salvage the season. That's idiotic. I totally understand that the Cubs want to avoid running the arbitration clock on these can't-miss prospects as much as possible (Although, wouldn't it have been nice to have known a few months earlier that Corey Patterson and Felix Pie sucked?), and I have absolute faith in this front office. I just don't put as much credence into the mentality that rushing a player ruins them for eternity. If a guy can't hit, I doubt anyone in this organization is going to be able to teach him how. Plus, I selfishly think it would be fun as hell to watch a bunch of AA and AAA guys running around Wrigley Field. Wait, isn't that what we've been doing for years?

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

HJE winning an internet award is almost as rare as the Cubs winning a game. Yet one of those things actually happened this week! Stay tuned to find out which one! Incidentally, I officially renounce my foolish declaration that they would finish 76-86 this year. After my new calculations, I now predict that they will finish 6-156.

The worst part about the offseason is having to waste time talking about Cubs players who aren't actually a part of the team. Players like, oh, say, Tony Campana, Hayden Simpson, and Brett Jackson. Now that the 2012 season is in full swing, and we have actual, meaningful baseball to discuss, GUESS WHO THIS WEEK'S MUSKBOX WANTS TO DISCUSS???

The Cubs are on pace for a 46-116 season. I don't have a joke to go with that, and it doesn't go with the picture. I just wanted to let you know that my dream of a 76-86 season probably isn't going to come true. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? Your tips are as appreciated as a winning percentage ... Read More

Dear Mr. Kenney: Please stop doing pretty much everything you are doing pertaining to the Chicago Cubs. Love, Everyone

The always-informative Muskbox is back after a busy end to Spring Training. Since Carrie hasn't had to write up many Cub wins so far, she's been busily answering your most probing questions. You're about to get probed by the Muskbox. MIND PROBED.

You're so stupid, Cubs fans. At the end of last week, Mark DeRosa, a man who played fewer than 300 games in a Cub uniform, got a very warm reception in yet another of his returns to Wrigley Field. He was a nice player. He hit .289/.373/.451 with 31 home runs and 159 RBIs. He's an anti-Cub like Reed Johnson. He hit better in Chicago than he did in any other city. He wasn't involved in a single Cub playoff win. In fact, some might say that he was squarely in the midst of a pretty annoying playoff loss.

But they're 1-0 so far in blown saves! If you missed that shitshow yesterday, I'll recap it. At one point, Stephen Strasburg threw a rosin bag at the plate, and four Cubs swung at it. Dempster was annoyingly awesome. The offense is putrid. Soriano inexplicably tried to steal third base for no reason, costing the Cubs a run. Stewart was inexplicably running on a contact play with the infield drawn in. Sveum inexplicably pulled Dempster with two outs in the top of the 8th, and shortly thereafter Wood walked everyone in sight. Marmol still sucks. It was fundamental baseball at its finest. Fundamentally bad. It's going to be a long year. Meanwhile, Sean Marshall had a very tidy 9th inning for the Reds yesterday. JUST SAYING.

For all of the things I hate about baseball, I love this morning. Just hours away from the first pitch of the 2012 season (SPOILERS: it's going to be a ball; get bent, Dempster), everyone except the Mariners, A's, Cardinals, and Marlins has a clean slate. Dan Patrick is pregnantly pausing all over Comcast SportsNet instead of pre-game coverage. MLB Network is showing Intentional Talk. If you weren't aware of just how terrible that show actually is, they have a segment called "GOT HEEEEEEEEM!" I'm climbing walls.