Sosa Too Fat for Japanese Ball; Grace Puts Sosa on Speed Dial

YOKOHAMA, Jap.–Former Cubs slugger and superstar Sammy Sosa has finally bottomed out. Certainly, it was evident that his stock had significantly dropped when the Cubs dumped him on the Baltimore Orioles for Jerry Hairston, Jr. And certainly it didn’t help that none of the thirty Major League teams offered him […]

Q: What Was That You Just Felt? A: Jerome Williams Landing in Washington

WASHINGTON–The Washington Nationals, needing pitching as desperately as Lou Piniella needs sensitivity lessons, have signed former Cub Jerome Williams to a one-year, $500,000 contract. Don’t be sad you’re gone, Jerome. We’re all racist here in Chicago, anyhow. In case Cubs fans have forgotten how terrible Williams was last season, here […]

Barroid Fails Amphetamine Test; Drugs Traced Back to Chicago’s South Side

NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker. Fire […]

Jays’ Thomson Celebrates Festivus Late 2

TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield: As […]

Cubs Use Evite to Invite 11 Players to Spring Training 4

CHICAGO–The Cubs invited 11 players to participate in Spring Training, including Pitchers Sean Gallagher, Ryan O’Malley, Carmen Pignatiello, Adam Harben and Randy Wells, catcher Jake Fox, second baseman Eric Patterson, No. 1 draft pick Tyler Colvin, and infielders Mike Kinkade and Casey McGehee, and outfielder Chris Walker. The invitation was […]