Sosa Too Fat for Japanese Ball; Grace Puts Sosa on Speed Dial

YOKOHAMA, Jap.–Former Cubs slugger and superstar Sammy Sosa has finally bottomed out. Certainly, it was evident that his stock had significantly dropped when the Cubs dumped him on the Baltimore Orioles for Jerry Hairston, Jr. And certainly it didn’t help that none of the thirty Major League teams offered him a Major League contract last […]

Q: What Was That You Just Felt? A: Jerome Williams Landing in Washington

WASHINGTON–The Washington Nationals, needing pitching as desperately as Lou Piniella needs sensitivity lessons, have signed former Cub Jerome Williams to a one-year, $500,000 contract. Don’t be sad you’re gone, Jerome. We’re all racist here in Chicago, anyhow. In case Cubs fans have forgotten how terrible Williams was last season, here is his terribleness in all […]

Barroid Fails Amphetamine Test; Drugs Traced Back to Chicago’s South Side

NEW YORK–According to CBS Sportsline, Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Fans of Bonds need not fret, however. It was everyone’s fault but Bond’s. In typical Bonds fashion, he threw teammate Mark Sweeney under the bus, saying that he had taking the amphetamines from Sweeney’s locker. Fire Lou Piniella! sought to debunk […]

With Rotting Corpse of Hack Wilson Unavailable, Cubs Pursue Erstad, Finley, Williams

CHICAGO–Ken Rosenthal reports that the Cubs may be interested in a veteran centerfield stopgap until 21-year-old prospect Felix Pie is ready to take over the position. A wooden bat. Also pictured: Felix Pie. Rosenthal says that the Cubs are pursuing Darrin Erstad and Steve Finley, and even suggests that Bernie Williams might be a good […]

Jays’ Thomson Celebrates Festivus Late

TORONTO–Let the Airing of Grievances begin. Recently-signed Toronto Blue Jay pitcher John Thomson laid into New York Mets catcher Paul Lo Duca, citing Lo Duca’s poor game calling as the reason Thomson signed with the Jays rather than the Mets. Thomson also took a shot at the Mets’ outfield: As far as just looking at […]

Cubs Use Evite to Invite 11 Players to Spring Training

CHICAGO–The Cubs invited 11 players to participate in Spring Training, including Pitchers Sean Gallagher, Ryan O’Malley, Carmen Pignatiello, Adam Harben and Randy Wells, catcher Jake Fox, second baseman Eric Patterson, No. 1 draft pick Tyler Colvin, and infielders Mike Kinkade and Casey McGehee, and outfielder Chris Walker. The invitation was sent via the popular electronic […]