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#110: Scott “Number One One Zero With A” Bullett

Scott Bullett. It’s not your fault. Your cool name forced you into the career path you chose. You couldn’t have been “Dr. Bullett” or “Scott Bullett, Esquire.” You could have either been a stripper or a professional athlete. I think you would have looked better in a banana hammock than a Cubs jersey.

When Scott Bullett is the answer, you’re asking the wrong question.

Wow. That ball is WAY foul.

Remember in 2003, when Jim Hendry fleeced the Pirates out of Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton? The trade was following a precedent set way back in 1995, when then-Cubs G.M. Ed Lynch fleeced the Pirates out of Bullett. Were the 1995 Cubs really so bad that they found a way to get you 150 at-bats? Or were they bad because they found a way to get you 150 at-bats? It’s the chicken and the egg, Scott. The chicken and the egg.

I’ll give you credit for one thing and one thing only, Bullett. You sure knew how to kick an apple’s ass.

Bullett v. Apple

Also, damn you for not reminding me to list you as #111, so you could have been “One One One With A” Bullett.

Low Point: August 23, 1996. Former Cub Greg Maddux shuts down the Cubs through 7 innings, allowing only 2 earned runs. Bullett starts in right field and goes 0-4 with 2 Ks against the future Hall of Famer.

Did You Know? Bullett is smart enough to capitalize on his name, as he has started (seriously) the Bullettproof Baseball School. You win, Scott.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Groundhog Day, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day, cocksuckers.  The groundhog said there’s gonna be an early spring, meaning Spring Training will be here early and you’ll get Lou all over your face even sooner this year.  You like that?  You better. You think you’re soooooo clever with this little site, huh? Well, you wouldn’t be so clever if I jammed my fingers in your ears until they touched. Anyhow, Sweet Uncle Lou has been asked to do a regular Friday Roundup column, telling you illiterate pansies what’s going on in the Interworld. So, here you go. Enjoy it. Or don’t. I don’t give a fuck.

  • Wrigleyville23 points out how stupid and tired Cubs jokes are. You know what else is stupid and tired? Rothschild. Ha! That guy looks like a fucking goat. No wonder everyone in this city hates him. (Wrigleyville23)
  • The only site you’ll ever need has the only sports writer out there who doesn’t have his head up his ass picking the Bears to beat the Colts. (Desipio)
  • Hendry got so loopy from huffing the gas out of whipped cream cans before he got interviewed for this article, that he actually said, “There are great days still ahead for Mark Prior.” Oh, he also ate all of the whipped cream out of the cans. And then he ate the cans. (Chicago Sun-Times)
  • I sound badass in this piece by the Muskrat. Sort of makes you wonder why they picked such a queer headline for the article, doesn’t it? Oh, I also mention that my temper tantrums are weather-related, because I know how much you little bastards missed your manager blaming his performance on the weather. And Muskrat? I call that look “Blue Steel.” I made that up myself. Nah. Just fucking with you. It’s from Zoolander. Get bent. (Cubs.com)
  • The Muskrat is so used to that idiot Baker, that she just automatically penciled my center fielder in as a leadoff guy, and my second baseman as the #2 hitter. Hey, sweetheart, why don’t you stick to writing the shitty fluff pieces, and I’ll worry about the lineup. (Cubs.com)
  • Muskrat must have swung and missed at the bars this week, because she had a lot of time on her hands to write idiotic spring training articles like this, where she answers questions like, “Where is Mesa, and how do I get there?” It’s called Google Maps, dipshit. Christ, even I know that. Oh, and Muskrat tells people where to wait for autographs at Spring Training. I have news for you, you sweaty hogs. I ain’t signing anything you shove in my face, unless it’s a nice pair of tits. (Cubs.com)

Piniella Baseball Card

Will NOT fucking sign.

Signable.

Will sign and tap wherever she needs signing and tapping.

Fire me? Fire you, bitches.

Sweet Uncle Lou

#111: Rick “Rub Me the Right Way” Aguilera

Unless you count Chad Fox (and really, why would you?) you might be wondering how the Bottom 126 hasn’t included a closer to this point. You would be right to wonder, because the Cubs have had more than their share of closers who handed out runs like Pez dispensers–through their necks. Okay, bad example. But that didn’t make Aguilera any less of a disappointment.

Do you think I should grow a beard?

Aguilera, on the left, ignores Dwight Gooden. Not pictured: Heaping mounds of blow.

Aguilera established himself as a successful closer with the Twins and (briefly) the Red Sox before coming over to the Cubs in a trade that also brought the Cubs Scott Downs(yndrome) for Kyle Lohse and Jason Ryan.

But the Cubs, as always, arrived late to the party. In a costume. And no one else was wearing a costume. In fact, they did think it was strange that someone would invite them to a costume party in May. Heck, it was strange that they got invited to a party at all. But they had already driven all the way downtown and found a parking spot, so they stayed at the party. I forgot to tell you what they were dressed as. An over-the-hill closer who forgot how to get guys out.

Low Point: May 6, 2000. The Cubs have a 4-run lead in the 9th at Wrigley, against the Pirates. Aguilera comes out to pitch the 9th, and only records one out while loading the bases and giving up 2 runs. Aguilera leaves runners at the corners for young Kyle Farnsworth, who rewards him by pouring gasoline all over the mound and flicking matches at himself. Farnsworth allows the 2 baserunners he inherited from Aguilera to score and then, just to be safe, gives up 2 more runs. Felix Heredia, of all people, has to come in to stop the bleeding, but it’s too late. Cubs lose 11-9.

Did You Know? Aguilera is a devout Mormon. He attended Brigham Young in lieu of signing with the St. Louis Cardinals. It’s a shame he doesn’t drink, as I know that’s the only thing that got me through his appearances in a Cubs uniform.

#112: “Hanging” Chad Meyers

God damn you, Chad Meyers. You were so abysmal at baseball, there are no good pictures of you on the internet. I doubt you’re this Chad Meyers:

Do you like tacos?

And you don’t spell your name the same way as this terrifying Chad Myers:

Do you like wearing a skin suit?

So, I’ll just put up a picture of Michael Myers. But not a good picture of Michael Myers. This crappy, sad picture of an imitation Michael Myers with 80’s rock star hair and a slasher-flick-series-bending chainsaw (hey, guy in picture, you’re Michael Myers, not Leatherface; get yourself a butcher’s knife and show a little pride):

Do you like getting macheted in the face?

I chose this picture for its symbolism. Just as the guy in the picture doesn’t even know that the character he’s supposed to play stabbed his sister when he was but a boy and has never dabbled in cannibalism, Meyers was a crappy, imitation second baseman who didn’t know what he was doing, either. He backed up Mickey Morandini and Eric Young around the turn of the millennium, and he is the guy who actually made you yearn for Mickey Morandini and Eric Young.

You really need to be weak to have a higher OBP than a slugging percentage. But Meyers did it in two of the three years he was a Cub. In the other year, his SLG was only .004 higher than his OBP. Wow.

Someone mentioned to me a few weeks ago that the Cubs’ legendary “black hole” at third base since Ron Santo left has now shifted over to second base since Ryne Sandberg left. I’m beginning to agree, and Meyers makes the list as one of a horrendous group of second basemen who have manned the position since Sandberg.

Low Point: Remember that game against the White Sox in 2000 when Mark Grace got picked off in the 8th inning of a one-run game at Comiskey? Grace was most likely distracted by Meyer’s two whiffs earlier in the game. The Sox won that game and the division. Thanks a lot, Chad. You ruined the 2000 season.

Did You Know? In 2005, the folks at Cubsnet actually liked Meyers and advocated bringing him back.

Cubs Come to Terms With Prior by Using Terms “Injury-Prone,” “Pansy,” and “Tampon”

CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.

Oh snap!

Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.

#113: Gary “No-Show” Varsho

What was the point of Gary Varsho? Other than the fact that he’s one of those guys whose name can only be said as a first and last name combination, little good can be said about Gary Varsho.

Gary Varsho. Why?

Thanks to the lunatic collecting vintage pictures of crappy Cubs for providing this picture. And the one of Chico Walker. Weird.

Gary Varsho had no power, didn’t make contact, couldn’t run, and struck out way more than he walked. Plus, he only has 10 more Major League home runs than I do. When you don’t break into the majors until you’re 27, your career path may look something like Gary Varsho’s.

My favorite “Gary Varsho” moment was during the writing of this article. I inadvertantly saved a copy of the Gary Varsho picture to the wrong folder, so I deleted the out-of-place Gary Varsho picture. My computer asked, “Do you want to send ‘Gary Varsho’ to the recycle bin?” I do indeed, all-knowing computer. I do indeed.

Low Point: How about the entire 1989 season? I don’t know how a guy earning a Major League paycheck can manage a .220 OBP, but Gary Varsho did it.

Did You Know? Gary Varsho and his 27 career stolen bases have taken their act to Cleveland to serve as the baserunning coach for the Indians.

#114: Jason “Not a Green” Bere

Maybe I couldn’t stand Jason Bere because he had no shoulders. Maybe it was because he had never shaved the goatee he was required to have during his stint with the White Sox. Or I guess it could have been his 1-10 record in 2002 with the Cubs.

Dude, where’s my shoulders?

You may recognize him from the mound at Wrigley, or you may recognize him from the “Sci-Fi” section at Blockbuster.

I’m not one to base my opinion of a pitcher on record, but didn’t it seem like the Cubs lost every time Jason Bere had the ball in his hand? Well, quit overreacting. In 2002, they only lost 75% of the time he had the ball in his hand. Bere’s awfulness as a Cub was made worse by the fact that his two best years–during which he compiled a 24-7 record–came in a White Sox uniform. It was further compounded by the fact that he took starts away from Carlos Zambrano. Thanks for the memories, Jason. By the way, do you have any more copies of John Tucker Must Die?

Low Point: August 31, 2002. In Bere’s last start as a Cub, he loses to Andy Freaking Benes after giving up 8 runs (7 earned) in 4 innings at Wrigley, including giving up home runs to Eli Marrero and Andy Freaking Benes, of all people.

Did You Know? Bere was part of the trade that sent Cub killer Richie Sexson to the Brewers. Yeah, his biography is as boring as his appearance.

Cedeno, Desperate to Avoid “Bottom 126,” Hits Stride in Winter; Cubs Surprised He Can Hit Anything

VENEZUELA–Cubs shortstop Ronnie Cedeno is hacking away in the Venezuelan Winter League, leading the league in several postseason hitting categories. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry is pleased with Cedeno’s play.

Focus and go slowly.

Cedeno focuses intently on making contact with two teammates’ fists simultaneously.

“Cedeno is really hitting his stride,” Hendry said. “It’s a good thing he started hitting before we were forced to trade a future Hall of Fame pitcher for a slap-hitting shortstop to fill the void at short,” Hendry continued, rolling his eyes. “It’s also a good thing ‘his stride’ isn’t shaped like a baseball.”

“Yeah, you really want to peak in the Venezuelan Winter League playoffs,” Hendry continued, his voice beginning to rise. “Because that’ll save a lot of people’s jobs if you hit the snot out of the ball down in Venezuela when no one, including me, is watching.”

Baker Inks 2-Year ESPN Deal; Will Serve as Analysist, Therapist

BRISTOL, Conn.–Former Cubs manager Dusty Baker finalized a two-year contract with ESPN last week to serve as an analyst and therapist for traumatized athletes who have been booed in their home stadiums. Baker will be ESPN’s first analysist/therapist.

Dusty Baker, M.D., Analrapist

Baker’s new business card.

Baker’s contract includes an out clause which allows teams interested in running young pitchers into the ground, constructing idiotic lineups, and playing washed-up veterans over promising rookies to contact him as a managerial candidate. The clause is not expected to be exercised.

#115: Troy “Maybe It’s Because I’m Irish” O’Leary

Was Troy O’Leary seriously a Cub for only one year? Because I could have sworn that I threw at least three seasons’ worth of profanities at my television when O’Leary would come to the plate. When the Cubs signed a former Red Sox outfielder named Troy O’Leary in the winter before the 2003 season, for some reason I was convinced that the Cubs were getting Trot Nixon. Imagine my surprise when O’Leary showed up and put up absolutely anemic numbers with the Cubs.

Do you want a 3×5 or wallet-size?

Troy O’Leary

I would have gotten you past the Marlins.

Not Troy O’Leary

O’Leary fit in perfectly with the flailing-away, “it’s called hitting, not walking, dude,” idiocy that was the 2003 Cubs’ plate approach which got Randall Simon a position in the lineup. He was powerless, speedless, and worthless off the bench. And worst of all, he wasn’t Trot Nixon.

Low Point:  How about the two-plus long, homerless months in the summer of 2003 that O’Leary put us through?  Weren’t you supposed to have, you know, power?

Did You Know?  O’Leary’s Boston teammates called him “Yummy” because of his love of sweets.  Also, the taste of his man meat.