#106: “I’ll Have the Grilled” Ruben “With Fried” Quevedo 3

Fat, drunk, and bad at pitching is no way to go through life, son. Why didn’t you listen to Dean Wormer’s advice, Ruben Quevedo? I am no Carlos Zambrano. Quevedo was similar to Carlos Zambrano in exactly two ways: they were both Venezuelan and both liked danish. Zambrano worked hard […]


Rich Hill Predicted to Emerge in 2007, See Shadow, Disappear Until 2008 7

MLB.com’s Alex Cushing suggests that Cubs left-hander Rich Hill is one of several young pitchers who may emerge in 2007. The Cubs expect Hill, who put up excellent numbers in the second half of the 2006 season, to emerge at the beginning of Spring Training. If Hill sees his shadow, […]


#108: Brooks “Was Here” Kieschnick 1

Brooks Kieschnick’s career can be summed up thusly: He’s an outfielder! No, he’s a pinch-hitter! No, he’s a minor leaguer! No, he’s a pitcher! No, he sucks at everything! “That fastball was so hittable, I’m surprised I didn’t throw it.” Kieschnick was taken by the Cubs in the FIRST ROUND […]


Grossman Signs with Cubs as “Pop-Up Simulator” 2

MIAMI–Minutes after the Chicago Bears fell to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLI, Rex Grossman signed with the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs, seeking to improve their outfield defense, signed the erratic Bears quarterback to throw simulated pop-ups to outfielders Alfonso Soriano, Matt Murton, and Jacque Jones. Grossman will gather […]


#109: Damian “The Omen” Miller 2

Was anything during the 2003 season more painful than watching Damian Miller swing and miss? Well, okay, there was that thing. But Miller’s follow-through when he swung and missed was painful. I remember, because I got to see it so often. Just…unh…give me a quick…oh God…second. Miller had strung together […]


#110: Scott “Number One One Zero With A” Bullett

Scott Bullett. It’s not your fault. Your cool name forced you into the career path you chose. You couldn’t have been “Dr. Bullett” or “Scott Bullett, Esquire.” You could have either been a stripper or a professional athlete. I think you would have looked better in a banana hammock than […]


Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: Groundhog Day, 2007 2

Happy Groundhog Day, cocksuckers.  The groundhog said there’s gonna be an early spring, meaning Spring Training will be here early and you’ll get Lou all over your face even sooner this year.  You like that?  You better. You think you’re soooooo clever with this little site, huh? Well, you wouldn’t […]