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Jim Essian (Jr.) on Board with “Hire Jim Essian!”

Well, the staff at “Hire Jim Essian!” couldn’t be more flattered than we are right now. It seems that a reader is in contact with Mr. Jim Essian himself or, at least, Mr. Jim Essian, Jr. Junior has written an article which is incredibly flattering to you, the Cubs Fan. Not only does Junior know you guys like a book, but he respects you for what you are, which is pathetic oblivious to pain faithful. In case you didn’t know, Junior spent eight years in professional baseball, and now is a youth pastor at Hope Works church in Fort Worth. And, in case you’re just here for pictures of attractive young couples, here is a picture of Junior with his wife, Heather.

Jim Essian, Jr. with wife Heather

Cardinals Set to Unveil Worst Starting Outfield in MLB History

ST. LOUIS–With starting outfielders Jim Edmonds and Juan Encarnacion likely to start the 2007 season on the disabled list, the St. Louis Cardinals are preparing to unveil the worst starting outfield in the history of Major League Baseball.

Get your hand off our 3rd starter’s junk.

The Cardinals are likely to start Coach’s Son in left field, either Preston Wilson or So Taguchi in center, and Scott Spiezio in right.

The backup plan for the Cardinals involves Rick Ankiel. No, seriously. If none of that works out, the Cardinals plan to play with two outfielders and four and a half (Eckstein) infielders.

#71: Jon “The Iceman Goeth” Leicester

Jon Leicester, not a molester.Okay, Jon Leicester, listen up. First of all, that’s not how you spell John. Second, there is absolutely no way that your last name is pronounced “Lester.” Third, damn you for having the same name as the good Jon Lester, because every time I hear his name, I have to think of you.

Leicester pitched out of the bullpen for the lovable tolerable despicable Cubs teams of 2004 and 2005. There was a time, when Joe Borowski and LaTroy Hawkins were blowing every game they could get their mouths around, that people thought that Leicester might make a good closer. Those people were wrong.

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Prior Meets with New Team

The next time Cubs pitcher Mark Prior makes a start, it will be as a member of the Aqua Sox. Prior, who has been roughed up in his spring starts, has been sent down to make a minor league start on Friday.

Prior met with his team on Tuesday, and reactions were mixed.

Aqua Sox starting pitcher Timothy Belzen said, “I’m not to worried. Dad- I mean Coach said I’m still going to be the #1 starter. He says I have a better fastball than Prior.”

Starting shortstop Julie Taylor was more excited about Prior’s arrival. “I thought. I thought. I thought. I thought that- um- I thought that Mark- I thought he was nice,” Taylor said.

Mark Prior poses for a photo with his new team.

Mark Prior, back row, center, meets his new team on Tuesday.

Prior is expected to fit in in as the third starter in the Aqua Sox rotation behind Belzen and Kristin Flores. He will make his first start for the Aqua Sox on Friday, as he will face The Drexel Steel & Ore Twins.

BREAKING NEWS: Oh, for Fuck’s Sake!

If you ignore her, she’ll go away.

First of all, let me give a big “Thank you” to With Leather (and Domer MQ) for pointing this out. And now, for the “Fuck you”s.

  1. Fuck you, Sarah Spain, for using your chest to offset your broken nose and get free stuff.
  2. Fuck you, MTV, for inventing the show “Singled Out” when you should have been, oh, I don’t know, PLAYING FUCKING MUSIC VIDEOS.
  3. Fuck you, “Mix,” for encouraging this behavior and for sharing a name with a radio station that plays the same three fucking John Mayer songs over and over again. The station is for idiots. We fucking get it. (side note: Fuck you, Eric and Kathy)
  4. Fuck you, MySpace, for being easy enough to use that even this dolt can figure it out.
  5. Fuck you, Rolling Rock, for not even being cheap at this event.
  6. Fuck you, Cubs, for either endorsing this or for not suing the shit out of Mix for using your trademark to promote this event.
  7. Fuck you, Mr. and Mrs. Spain, for birthing your daughter in Chicago.
  8. Fuck you, $5 covers.
  9. Fuck you again, Cubs, for making enough big offseason moves to be popular enough that this whore is attending a Cubs game instead of a Sox game.
  10. Fuck you, “her hottie friends.” They photoshopped you out of that picture for a reason.
  11. Fuck you, first person who ever used the word “hottie.”
  12. Fuck you in advance, Sox fans, for making fun of us for having Spain in our bleachers.
  13. Fuck you, every guy who applies to this and actually thinks he has a chance of getting laid.
  14. Fuck you, first person who says to me, “You’re just jealous.”

Any “fuck you”‘s you’d like to add? Feel free in the comments.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 13, 2007

Get up, Z!  You still have a triple to leg out!What’s up, you Essian wanna-bes? Another day, another win for us, but I was afraid for a minute that this one would cost us. Big Z is all kinds of crazy, and he treated yesterday’s game like a f@#$ing track meet. Did you notice that the triple Z hit was on an 0-2 count with 2 outs? I almost shit myself when he used his shoulder like an anchor while he was rounding second, but he’s okay. Which is good, because if he was injured I would have killed him.

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#72: Mitch “I’d Rather Have Had the Kid From” Webster

Webster’s Dictionary defines Mitch as “a boring as hell guy.”Poor Mitch Webster. He wasn’t terrible as a Cub. In fact, he had at least a mediocre career. Certainly not by numbers alone would he appear on the Bottom 126.

Unfortunately for Mitch, he was on one of the few successful Cubs teams in recent history. The 1989 Cubs had personality. From the fiery Don Zimmer to the chubbies’ ladies’ man Mark Grace to the bespectacled Vance Law to the exciting Jerome Walton to the cannon-armed Shawon Dunston, the team was fun to watch. Throw in consummate professionals like Ryne Sandberg and Andre Dawson, and it’s no wonder that even the guy who sponsors Mitch Webster’s Baseball-Reference page doesn’t like him. So much so, in fact, that he was willing to pay $10 just to tell people he doesn’t like him. Be honest. Was it one of you guys?

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A Banner Day

Folks, it’s time to pick an official banner for “HJE!” I have four potential designs put together (incredibly well) by a friend of mine. I have a personal favorite, but I’d like to get some input from you guys and gals. I would add a picture of Mr. Essian in the blank space of Banner 2 or Banner 3. Banner 1 and Banner 4 would span the entire top of the page (although I could put a picture of Mr. Essian in the middle of Banner 4, as well. Here they are:

Banner 1:

Banner 2:

Banner 2

Banner 3:

Banner 3

Banner 4:
Banner 4

What do you think? Let me know in the Comments section.

“Hire Jim Essian!” Spends Best $10 It’s Ever Spent

It took them long enough, but Baseball Reference has finally updated the page of the greatest man to ever put on the tools of ignorance Essian.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 12, 2007

Whaddup, my bitches? It’s been a while. Too long, if you ask me. And if you’re not asking me, you’re getting the wrong answers. I hope you read Gordon Wittenmyer’s 6000 articles over the weekend. Not a goddamn one of them made any sense.

Ha ha ha!  The Franchise is going to AAA!

This was me while giving the news to Prior that he’s going down to the minors.

I guess the big news is that Prior don’t live here no more. He’s off to the minors (for now), where he’ll be with guys who can’t hit an 83-m.p.h. fastball up in the zone. Unfortunately, all of those guys will be on his team. Kermit is all over the story like Gordon Wittenmyer is all over his keyboard.

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