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Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 19, 2007

ME: Two hits?! That’s all we got?! Two goddamn hits?!

ROTHSCHILD: You can’t say “goddamn” in front of the media.

ME: That’s all right, no one listens to them, anyhow.

A badly misquoted line from Major League, or my weekend? Here’s pretty much how Spring Training has gone. We sucked. We won for a while and played one good game. Now, we suck again. Remember those days of win 1, lose 2? They’re back!

So, have you ever Googled yourself? You have? You’re a sick f@#$. Seriously, though, I Googled “Lou Piniella Cubs,” and look at the first f@#$ing picture that came up.

I will fix your phone, then swallow your soul.

I highly doubt that guy’s name is “Lou Piniella.” F@#$ you, Google.

It’s a Monday, and I’m pissed. What has me pissed? Pitching. What else would? We’re going to fix Guzman by moving him to his right. And we’re going to just continue moving him to his right until he’s in Des Moines.

I don’t know about you, but I was starting to fear for Gordon Wittenmyer’s life. I was reading all these Chris DeLuca articles last week thinking, “Did DeLuca kill Wittenmyer?” Never fear, folks. Wittenmyer is back with a vengeance, telling us what to look for this week. Here’s what I’m looking for: Guzman to be good enough to prevent me from having to pencil in Wade Miller every fifth game; Prior to stop f@#$ing sucking; Wood to pitch through his torn rotator cuff and strained triceps with the efficiency of a cyborg; and Sosa to come in and say something stupid about chickens and houses and playing with himself. Shit, can you believe we’re breaking camp in 10 days, and we have our first game in 2 weeks? Pass the f@#$ing antacid.

Z’s agents came into town this weekend. I swear to God, if those suit-wearing pantywaists distract the big man, I will burn down their houses. Speaking of pitching (again), the one good thing that might come out of Wood not being ready for the start of the season, is being able to have Rocky Cherry in the bullpen. How f@#$ing awesome is that name? I’d be like, “Hey, Hendry, I want to keep this kid Rocky Cherry on the team. Also, can you get me another scoop of Rocky Cherry on a plain cone?” Not like that dude would share his ice cream, but that’s still pretty awesome.

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#66: Todd “Ain’t No” Hollandsworth “Back Girl”

That form.  Those long, flowing locks.  Put him in left, skip!Raise your hand if you were clamoring for Todd Hollandsworth to start in right field over Sammy Sosa in 2004. Shame on you, you silly bastard. Hollandsworth was what he was, a nice part-time player and solid pinch hitter. What he wasn’t was a starting outfielder. Yet the Cubs were, for some reason, comfortable going into the 2005 season with Hollandsworth’s permulleted locks patrolling left field.

And they reaped what they sowed.

Hollandsworth was not good as a regular in 2005. It certainly didn’t help that he was part of an outfield which also consisted of Corey Patterson and Jeromy Burnitz, the three of them combining for more than 250 strikeouts against fewer than 100 walks. But, hey. At least they were all left-handed. Hurray?

Moreover, Hollandsworth’s legs were apparently made of some sort of porcelain-crystal-glass alloy which shattered at the first hint of any sort of running, jumping, sliding, or hitting, none of which are, of course, important to playing the game of baseball.

Oh, and Hollandsworth is the second guy on The Bottom 126 to look like Dave Coulier (a.k.a. Uncle Joey). Even his Baseball Reference page sponsor points it out. Reminding me of the lonely days of “Thank God It’s Funny” is never a good idea, Todd.

Low Point: June 27, 2004. Hollandsworth is having a productive season as a pinch-hitter and part-time player. Then, in a game against the White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field, Hollandsworth fouls a ball off his leg in the third inning. His shin shatters into a million tiny shards. Not only does it end Hollandsworth’s season, but Tom Goodwin has to take his place during the at-bat. He strikes out. Surprise!

Did You Know? In 1996, Hollandsworth won the NL Rookie of the Year while with the Dodgers, which was the 5th consecutive RoY for a Dodger, a Major League record. That streak started with former Dodgers first baseman Eric Karros.

#67: Tuffy Rhodes “Less Taken”

Tuffy dreams of simpler times.  When he didn’t suck.I find it pretty telling that 27% of Tuffy Rhodes’ home runs that he hit as a Cub came in one game. Rhodes was the first National League player to hit three homers on Opening Day. Of course, the Cubs lost. Oh, and they were all solo home runs.

Rhodes played a full year with the 1994 Cubs. Mercifully, the season was shortened by the strike before the Cubs could run their record to any worse than 49-64. Rhodes’ season ended even sooner. Pretty much immediately after Opening Day, actually.

I’m not positive, but I think Rhodes may have peaked on Opening Day. He was the starting centerfielder until around mid-June, when he lost his position to…Mike Kingery? Yeah, I double-checked, and that’s not a typo.

The next year, Rhodes, who was hitting (and slugging) a microscopic .125 was claimed off waivers by the Boston Red Sox, where he ended his MLB career. Rhodes moved to Japan and started clubbing the ball well enough to the point where he attempted an MLB comeback with the Cincinnati Reds in 2006. He was released during Spring Training, and is currently attempting to reestablish himself as a slugger in Japan.

Low Point: After Rhodes’ 3 Opening Day home runs, his power basically disappeared. At one point, Rhodes went 2 months, 41 games, and 120 at bats between homers, hitting .200 and striking out 32 times in that stretch.

Did You Know? Rhodes is the all-time home run leader for foreign born players with 360 home runs in Japan. He also tied the Japanese single-season home run record in 2001, clubbing 55 round trippers.  Wow!  That’s like 18 Opening Day’s worth!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, You Drunken Bastards

Who all seen the leprechaun say “Yay!”

[gv data=”nda_OSWeyn8″][/gv]

#68: Willie “It Must Be St. Patrick’s Day, ‘Cuz I’m Puking” Greene

I see red, but I don’t see green.  Liar.In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, enter onto The Bottom 126 Willie Greene. Another in a long line of Cubs third sackers who sucked sack. Only Greene managed to do it for a lot more games than many of the other scrubs.

Greene was the third baseman on a 65-97, last-place 2000 Cubs team. And, guess what, Willie? If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Greene hit a robust .201, with a Corey Patterson-esque .289 OBP while slugging .365. To quote Marmaduke, “Woof.”

But the Cubs’ only other option was Shane Andrews, whose back was about as stable as Windows Vista. Take that, Microsoft! Andrews also had a really bad goatee, if I recall correctly. But this isn’t about Shane Andrews. It’s St. Patrick’s Day. This is about Greene.

Poor Mark Grace. Looking around that infield in 2000 he saw Willie Greene, Ricky Gutierrez, and Eric Young. No wonder the guy got hammered every night. So did the rest of us, Mark. So did the rest of us.

Low Point: August 4, 2000. The hapless Cubs are in a back-and-forth game against the Padres in San Diego. Greene is batting fifth ahead of Damon Buford. I know. Put the noose down. And the gun. And the razor blades. And the microwave. What were you even going to do with that? Greene comes up five times and goes oh-fer, striking out three of those times and leaving three guys on base in the process.

Did You Know? Greene was born in Milledgeville, Georgia, burial place of author Flannery O’Connor. What? At least she sounds Irish!

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “You’ve Gotta be Kidding Me” Edition

With form like that, I can’t understand how Kerry Wood could ever possibly be injured.Well, I guess it was only a matter of time before you heard those phrases you’re so used to hearing in the same sentence: “Kerry Wood,” “sidelined indefinitely,” “minor strain,” “right triceps.” It’s as regular as Rothschild’s stool. Only this time, Wood gave you a glimpse of the old greatness. And then it all came crashing down because he stepped into a hole on the mound wrong. Which somehow messes up your triceps.

Ah, you Cubs fans are such chumps. Put away your magic markers. You’re not going to need to make that “Wood for Closer!” sign, after all.

From that same link:

  • Ted Lilly is fitting right in with this team. The other day, he threw 75 pitches in 3 2/3 innings. I don’t know why Rothschild made me pull him. He was on pace for a 184-pitch complete game!
  • Sean Marshall should be back sometime next week. Yeah, I know. Who?
  • We’re in the fucking desert, and DeRosa somehow manages to get stomach flu?

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#69: “Shut Your F@#$ing Face,” Michael Tucker

You want me to go up to bat AGAIN?  Ahhhhhh!You’re a boner-biting bastard, Michael Tucker! Anyone? South Park: The Movie? Bah. I’m not really sure why Michael Tucker pissed me off so much. I guess it could be the fact that he looked absolutely terrified to have a bat in his hands (I bet he got nailed by “two for flinching” EVERY SINGLE TIME). I guess it could be the fact that he was part of the 2001 triple-headed awful centerfielder monster that consisted of Tucker, Sergeant HGH, Jr., and Corey Patterson (really, was there a more redundant position on the roster?) . Or maybe I was really upset that the Cubs gave up Chris Booker and Ben Shaffar for him. Or perhaps he reminded me of the other Michael Tucker. You remember. Stuart from L.A. Law, who looked like he could be Larry Appleton’s dad. Or brother. How old were those guys?

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Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 15, 2007

‘Sup, jerks? Just thought I’d stop by and check in again and remind you that it’s still not funny that you moved over here and DIDN’T FUCKING TELL ME THE NEW ADDRESS. You’re just an ass, Kermit.“Hey, beer man!  I need four over here!  Does anyone else want anything?”

Miles and I are on the same page. He likes Murton batting second. I like Murton batting second. The difference is he gives a shit what I think, and I don’t give a shit what he thinks.

Pete Rose bet on baseball? Well, no shit, ESPN. Now get back to work on your “White Sox Throw World Series” story.

Two ex-Cubs who were traded for one another are hoping to get put on the Rangers’ 40-man roster. Hairston is trying to beat out- get this- Desi Relaford, Matt Kata, and Ramon Vazquez. Ha ha ha ha! Ah, that guy sucked.

If you’re hoping Pie will make the big club, get used to disappointment. If you’re having a hard time with that, just imagine you’re every woman who has ever seen your penis. All two of them.

According to this story, Doo!  Doo!  Doo!  Looking at your front door!you guys are all queer. Up here. I’m up here.

In case you woke up late, the sun rose in the east this morning.

Looks like Dempster is on board with Derrek Lee’s Project 3000, to which you can donate from the link in the Blogroll (1st Touch Foundation). Dempster is donating $50,000, plus $1,000 for every save he records this year. That’s awful nice. $54,000 is a lot of money.

If you think you’re having a slow day at work, imagine how slow the news must be moving when the Rockies beat writers are writing about whether John Mabry is going to make the team. Thank God Hendry upgraded the team before I was forced to play that guy anywhere. Daryle Ward is better than Mabry by about one gigantic Daryle Ward ass.

If you hate Bill Simmons, you should read this article. Minus 200 points to Wrigleyville23 for reading Bill Simmons, but plus 1000 for destroying Bill Simmons.

“What’s that van for?  Why does it say Iowa?  Where are you taking me?”It’s the eve of Todd Van Poppel’s Prior’s first start in the minors. Ha ha ha! Awesome. The best part is that down there, they have a 10-run mercy rule, so he shouldn’t have to pitch beyond the second inning.

Well, that’s about it for me for now. Dempster says he’s going to shave Cotts’ eyebrows off, so I’m going to help him hold him down. Later, mouthbreathers.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

“Hello” From Skip, Sr.

Hey, troops! I heard the word that there was a new site started up by a bunch of Cubs fans who want me back. I can understand why. This Piniella character has some foul mouth. He probably could have used more hugging as a kid. That, or a good “switching” out by the garage. It’s better if you make him cut his own switch.

I took a quick look through the site, and one article that I decided could use some fixing was the article on that Spain hussy. I talked to TJ Brown, and he helped me Essian that girl up.

Sarah Spain, Essian-Style

MUCH better, if you ask me. She’s at least 10% less floozy. Now you guys should go ahead and try to hit that. If you have enough cash for $4 drinks. Man, in my day people bought us drinks. And I mean drinks, not urine in a green bottle.

Ah, man. I gotta get going. I’ve been kicking around some ideas for the Opening Day lineup. I’m sure Piniella will do fine, but you should see the crazy stuff I’ve thought up on my lineup card. It would blow your freaking mind. Later, troops.


#70: Damon “Found His Thrill on Blue” Berryhill

Mark Grace, Rafael Palmeiro, and Damon Berryhill…if they were flesh-eating zombies.

I imagine that it sort of sucks for Damon Berryhill that he had such a prominent unibrow that a child felt the need to draw it on his depiction of the Cubs catcher.

I bet it sucks even more that Mr. Big Shot Creepy-Tooth Mark Grace decided to write all over that unibrow.

And I bet it sucks most of all that he made The Bottom 126.

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