Jim Essian (Jr.) on Board with “Hire Jim Essian!”

Well, the staff at “Hire Jim Essian!” couldn’t be more flattered than we are right now. It seems that a reader is in contact with Mr. Jim Essian himself or, at least, Mr. Jim Essian, Jr. Junior has written an article which is incredibly flattering to you, the Cubs Fan. Not only does Junior know […]


Get your hand off our 3rd starter's junk.

Cardinals Set to Unveil Worst Starting Outfield in MLB History

ST. LOUIS–With starting outfielders Jim Edmonds and Juan Encarnacion likely to start the 2007 season on the disabled list, the St. Louis Cardinals are preparing to unveil the worst starting outfield in the history of Major League Baseball. The Cardinals are likely to start Coach’s Son in left field, either Preston Wilson or So Taguchi […]


#71: Jon “The Iceman Goeth” Leicester

Okay, Jon Leicester, listen up. First of all, that’s not how you spell John. Second, there is absolutely no way that your last name is pronounced “Lester.” Third, damn you for having the same name as the good Jon Lester, because every time I hear his name, I have to think of you. Leicester pitched […]


Mark Prior poses for a photo with his new team.

Prior Meets with New Team

The next time Cubs pitcher Mark Prior makes a start, it will be as a member of the Aqua Sox. Prior, who has been roughed up in his spring starts, has been sent down to make a minor league start on Friday. Prior met with his team on Tuesday, and reactions were mixed. Aqua Sox […]


BREAKING NEWS: Oh, for Fuck’s Sake!

First of all, let me give a big “Thank you” to With Leather (and Domer MQ) for pointing this out. And now, for the “Fuck you”s. Fuck you, Sarah Spain, for using your chest to offset your broken nose and get free stuff. Fuck you, MTV, for inventing the show “Singled Out” when you should […]

If you ignore her, she'll go away.

Get up, Z!  You still have a triple to leg out!

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 13, 2007

What’s up, you Essian wanna-bes? Another day, another win for us, but I was afraid for a minute that this one would cost us. Big Z is all kinds of crazy, and he treated yesterday’s game like a f@#$ing track meet. Did you notice that the triple Z hit was on an 0-2 count with […]


#72: Mitch “I’d Rather Have Had the Kid From” Webster

Poor Mitch Webster. He wasn’t terrible as a Cub. In fact, he had at least a mediocre career. Certainly not by numbers alone would he appear on the Bottom 126. Unfortunately for Mitch, he was on one of the few successful Cubs teams in recent history. The 1989 Cubs had personality. From the fiery Don […]


Banner 4

A Banner Day

Folks, it’s time to pick an official banner for “HJE!” I have four potential designs put together (incredibly well) by a friend of mine. I have a personal favorite, but I’d like to get some input from you guys and gals. I would add a picture of Mr. Essian in the blank space of Banner […]


Ha ha ha!  The Franchise is going to AAA!

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 12, 2007

Whaddup, my bitches? It’s been a while. Too long, if you ask me. And if you’re not asking me, you’re getting the wrong answers. I hope you read Gordon Wittenmyer’s 6000 articles over the weekend. Not a goddamn one of them made any sense. This was me while giving the news to Prior that he’s […]