ME: Two hits?! That’s all we got?! Two goddamn hits?!
ROTHSCHILD: You can’t say “goddamn” in front of the media.
ME: That’s all right, no one listens to them, anyhow.
A badly misquoted line from Major League, or my weekend? Here’s pretty much how Spring Training has gone. We sucked. We won for a while and played one good game. Now, we suck again. Remember those days of win 1, lose 2? They’re back!
So, have you ever Googled yourself? You have? You’re a sick f@#$. Seriously, though, I Googled “Lou Piniella Cubs,” and look at the first f@#$ing picture that came up.
I highly doubt that guy’s name is “Lou Piniella.” F@#$ you, Google.
It’s a Monday, and I’m pissed. What has me pissed? Pitching. What else would? We’re going to fix Guzman by moving him to his right. And we’re going to just continue moving him to his right until he’s in Des Moines.
I don’t know about you, but I was starting to fear for Gordon Wittenmyer’s life. I was reading all these Chris DeLuca articles last week thinking, “Did DeLuca kill Wittenmyer?” Never fear, folks. Wittenmyer is back with a vengeance, telling us what to look for this week. Here’s what I’m looking for: Guzman to be good enough to prevent me from having to pencil in Wade Miller every fifth game; Prior to stop f@#$ing sucking; Wood to pitch through his torn rotator cuff and strained triceps with the efficiency of a cyborg; and Sosa to come in and say something stupid about chickens and houses and playing with himself. Shit, can you believe we’re breaking camp in 10 days, and we have our first game in 2 weeks? Pass the f@#$ing antacid.
Z’s agents came into town this weekend. I swear to God, if those suit-wearing pantywaists distract the big man, I will burn down their houses. Speaking of pitching (again), the one good thing that might come out of Wood not being ready for the start of the season, is being able to have Rocky Cherry in the bullpen. How f@#$ing awesome is that name? I’d be like, “Hey, Hendry, I want to keep this kid Rocky Cherry on the team. Also, can you get me another scoop of Rocky Cherry on a plain cone?” Not like that dude would share his ice cream, but that’s still pretty awesome.