#69: “Shut Your F@#$ing Face,” Michael Tucker 5

You’re a boner-biting bastard, Michael Tucker! Anyone? South Park: The Movie? Bah. I’m not really sure why Michael Tucker pissed me off so much. I guess it could be the fact that he looked absolutely terrified to have a bat in his hands (I bet he got nailed by “two […]

Doo!  Doo!  Doo!  Looking at your front door!

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 15, 2007 9

‘Sup, jerks? Just thought I’d stop by and check in again and remind you that it’s still not funny that you moved over here and DIDN’T FUCKING TELL ME THE NEW ADDRESS. You’re just an ass, Kermit. Miles and I are on the same page. He likes Murton batting second. […]

“Hello” From Skip, Sr. 1

Hey, troops! I heard the word that there was a new site started up by a bunch of Cubs fans who want me back. I can understand why. This Piniella character has some foul mouth. He probably could have used more hugging as a kid. That, or a good “switching” […]

Sarah Spain, Essian-Style

Mark Grace, Rafael Palmeiro, and Damon Berryhill...if they were flesh-eating zombies.

#70: Damon “Found His Thrill on Blue” Berryhill 3

I imagine that it sort of sucks for Damon Berryhill that he had such a prominent unibrow that a child felt the need to draw it on his depiction of the Cubs catcher. I bet it sucks even more that Mr. Big Shot Creepy-Tooth Mark Grace decided to write all […]

Jim Essian (Jr.) on Board with “Hire Jim Essian!” 10

Well, the staff at “Hire Jim Essian!” couldn’t be more flattered than we are right now. It seems that a reader is in contact with Mr. Jim Essian himself or, at least, Mr. Jim Essian, Jr. Junior has written an article which is incredibly flattering to you, the Cubs Fan. […]

Get your hand off our 3rd starter's junk.

Cardinals Set to Unveil Worst Starting Outfield in MLB History 9

ST. LOUIS–With starting outfielders Jim Edmonds and Juan Encarnacion likely to start the 2007 season on the disabled list, the St. Louis Cardinals are preparing to unveil the worst starting outfield in the history of Major League Baseball. The Cardinals are likely to start Coach’s Son in left field, either […]

#71: Jon “The Iceman Goeth” Leicester 2

Okay, Jon Leicester, listen up. First of all, that’s not how you spell John. Second, there is absolutely no way that your last name is pronounced “Lester.” Third, damn you for having the same name as the good Jon Lester, because every time I hear his name, I have to […]

Mark Prior poses for a photo with his new team.

Prior Meets with New Team 11

The next time Cubs pitcher Mark Prior makes a start, it will be as a member of the Aqua Sox. Prior, who has been roughed up in his spring starts, has been sent down to make a minor league start on Friday. Prior met with his team on Tuesday, and […]