Hire Jim Essian

Since we're on the whole "guys who did steroids" kick, let's just get one Mr. Matt Lawton out of the way right now. Take a look at Lawton's career stats, get out a red pen, and see if you can draw a line separating the time that Lawton took steroids with the time he didn't take steroids. Now, ... Read More

In compiling this list, I had almost forgotten that Howard Johnson had been a Cub. Yep. Those were some innocent times when I didn't remember Johnson's 87-game reign of terror as a Cub. Howard Johnson, NOT at a Howard Johnson's The highlight of Johnson's career is being a pinch-hit stud in R.B.I. Baseball. Certainly not the .195 average he ... Read More

All right. I've already had it with this shit. Oh, for fuck's sake, NO ONE remembered to bring a ball? Thanks to Wrigleyville23 for sending me the lovely picture of myself. God, I'm pissed at this team already. Here's why: Dempster ain't gonna cut it as a closer. He even admits that he let himself turn into a fat piece of ... Read More

Two things about Rondell White: 1. I'm pretty sure I lifted the nickname from the gentlemen and scholars at Desipio, and even if I got it somewhere else, I'm giving them credit for it, anyhow. 2. He was actually pretty good as a Cub, which is why he's not higher on the list. HOWEVER. If you managed the Cubs ... Read More

What's up, my uglies? Time for another Friday Roundup courtesy of the nut-swingingest manager in the Majors! Be careful getting out of those hot tubs, you yuppie assholes, and listen up: I beat some sense into Zambrano with a rubber hose, so now he wants to stay in Chicago. He doesn't want to "accidentally" fall down any more ... Read More

Look at me! I'm Turk Wendell, and I'm cah-raaaaaazy! I jump over the baselines and wave at my center fielder and chew black licorice and brush my teeth between innings and give up home runs! People, he had a problem that wasn't just related to his pitching. Wheeeeeee! I'm wacky! I couldn't stand watching Wendell take the mound. ... Read More

This certainly didn't take long. ... Read More

Dear Idiot Cubs Fans, Bad Kermit asked if I'd check in every once in a while during the season and do like a diary about the team and about how everything is going. I'll see what I can do. Holy crap the idiots in the media have the BIGGEST BONER over me saying that I wanted to develop a "Cubbie swagger." ... Read More

Chalk Ray King's appearance on this list up to a combination of 10.7 sucky innings as a Cub followed by a pretty good career as a left-handed reliever. It's his own fault that two of his best years came as a Cardinal. Also his fault is that the Cubs traded him to Milwaukee for Doug Johnston. I'm ... Read More

CHICAGO--The Chicago Cubs have finally done it. They have decided to use what little space on the outfield walls is not covered in ivy as ad space. The team signed a multiyear deal with Under Armour Wednesday, and they are fielding offers from other companies once the deal runs out. Armor won't protect you, McDonough. Even when it's ... Read More