2-2, 1 2B, 3 RBI.

Ward’s batting average went up 72 points over the weekend, and he’s hit safely in the last three games in which he’s appeared. His OBP is at .406, and his OPS is back up to a more Ward-like .823. Welcome back, Daryle. In honor of DWD, I’m eating a giant burrito for lunch.

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Just for you, Jim, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do than watch Jim Edmonds fake hustle (thanks, CT) his way around center field at Wrigley.

1. Record over my copy of The Big Lebowski with Anchorman.
2. Drink Jim Hendry’s bathwater out of Scott Eyre’s cup.
3. Call Carlos Zambrano a “sissy little girl who fights like a Barrett.”
4. Be Ryan Dempster’s joke editor.
5. Pay Mark Prior to pitch.
6. Start a business with the It’s Gonna Happen guy.
7. Listen to the entire series of Pat Hughes/Ron Santo Square D commercials on a continuous loop.
8. Let Chad Fox pitch in every bases-loaded situation for the rest of the year.
9. Root for the White Sox.
10. Stumble drunk down a dark alley in which Ted Lilly lurks.

DO NOT DO THIS, JIM.

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Look. I understand you’re supposed to write what your editor wants you to write. Actually, I don’t know that at all. I’ve never spent a day at a news desk. Shoot, I’ve never even taken a journalism class. I just know that the common defense for a columnist’s idiotic ham-handed pseudo-hype that passes for a column has always seemed to have been “he’s writing what his editor wants him to write” in which case you’re told to hype the shit out of some early-season series in May that coincidentally happens to be against Arizona. If so, then it sucks to be you.

But maybe that’s not true. Maybe you have complete freedom to write whatever you want to write, like the peanut-gallery douchebags like me do. If that is the case, then good god man. You’re a bigger hack than I feared. This steaming pile that you wrote last Friday, prior to a three-game series in early May? Simply hack-tastic.

After the Cubs swept a three-game series against the lowly Pirates by a combined score of 29-9, I managed to find clouds in a perfectly clear sky. You have come to expect that from me.

Who are you? Oh I’m sorry, that schlong-nosed doofus in the Tribune.

“In the baseball standings, one victory weighs the same as another,” I wrote April 21. “But degree of difficulty has its place.”

Wow. You actually did the link thingy too! Good for you, Rick, although I should tell you that the link didn’t open in a new window, and I found myself suddenly trapped in dementia hell, away from your source article. I think Phil Rogers offered to give me a “Plus 1″ whatever the hell that is, but it took me a bit to make it back to the original piece.

Also, you do realize that the cavepeople you’re still catering to, if you hope to bring them here on to the intertubes, might not be so sharp with the right-click, “Open in New Window” choice, don’t you? Seriously, Rick–try not make it so hard for them. They’ll likely be your only readers by 2012.

The thing about your earlier article, though, where you reminded everyone to not go so crazy after sweeping the Pirates (while also mentioning the “It’s Gonna Happen” douchebaggery in your 4th paragraph), is that by the time your drek from this past Friday showed up, the evidence didn’t quite actually support what your point had been then. To wit:

April 21, 2008

We’re going to get a much better measure of this club when the Mets come to town Monday for a two-game series, followed by a Cubs trip to Colorado for two games against the defending National League champion Rockies. And the hard-hitting Brewers come back to Chicago at the end of the month.

Fair enough. Of course, the Cubs did sweep the Mets, split with the Rocks, and came one Kerry Wood blown save (which I’m really starting to think we’re not going to see for a while now) from taking 2 of 3 from the Brewers. It was actually the Nationals and Reds and Cardinals–none of whom the world-weary Rick saw fit to warn us about–who funked things up for the Cubs.

But even if the Cubs had reversed roles; even if they had, say, recorded the same 7-9 mark in this stretch but instead went 4-3 against the Cards, Reds, and Nationals and 3-6 against the Mets, Brewers and Rockies, would that have mattered? Well it shouldn’t have. What would be worrisome is that Cubs had gone 7-9, not a good trend regardless of whom you’re playing.

The point here, like I tried pointing out last week, is that baseball is a long season and baseball writing should accord it the perspective it deserves. Rick may have seen himself as the calm voice of reason when the Cubs were 14-6, but he does it in a way that seems to ignore the typical ups and downs that occur during the season. They were due to regress a bit, so it should not have been a surprise–although certainly no less disappointing–when the Cubs went into a funk. But Rick is so going-out-on-a-limb crazy that he actually picks the three teams who spell DOOM, and as it turns out, those three teams were not the problem. But that doesn’t stop Rick.

That was in anticipation of what was to come, when the upcoming schedule included some much tougher opponents. Some of us wanted to see what the Cubs would do against teams with a little more substance. We got our answer.

Like I said, using your three examples of “some much tougher opponents”, that answer would be 4-3.

After winning two games against the Mets, the Cubs went 5-9.

Okay, they swept the Mets. Beat the holy hell out of them, too. Your earlier article was written mostly with the Mets in mind, as they had rolled into town in the heels of the Cubs sweep of Pittsburgh.

They have lost four straight series against the Nationals, the Brewers, the Cardinals and, most recently, the Reds. It hadn’t occurred to me that beating Washington and Cincinnati would be like ascending Mt. Everest without bottled oxygen.

I know, right? Bad teams never jump up and beat good teams. Who could have thought that?

The Cardinals eventually will go away—everybody keeps saying that—but they still are atop the National League Central and are giving no indication they are about to fall to pieces. Every once in a while, you get the feeling the Cards won’t go away.

“”Everyone keeps saying that”. Well, it’s true, dumbass. And they’re “still” atop the NL Central? Ignore the fact that I’m writing this this two days afterwards, when that sentence is no longer true–the use of “still” on May 9th is ridiculous. It’s sort of out of the Chip Caray School of Baseball Coverage, where retiring the first six hitters of the game means a guy is having a GREAT outing. Why so breathless, Rick? Haven’t you followed a baseball season before?

Anyway, if you think the Cardinals have any staying power, you’re probably also blind from some Mississippi River moonshine. And that’s all I’m talking about with St. Louis.

The Cubs’ record is 19-15. They are 6-0 against Pittsburgh. I’ll leave the math to you. After that April column, I received more than a few e-mails from people informing me that the Pirates are a real, live major-league team, too, and that any kind of win is a win.

But if you want to be a big boy, you have to beat the big boys. Vegan sharks aren’t very frightening, unless you’re seaweed, or the Pirates.

When Penisnose wrote this, the Pirates were 15-19. Not great, but not shitty. Throw out their love-6 set with the Cubs, and they’re over .500 (since Rick’s pointless and wrong drivel on Friday, Pittsburgh has now extended their winning streak to 5 and are 17-19, but ths article deserves to be ridiculed from Friday’s perspective–the day it was written. In fact, it’s just as stupid from Friday’s perspective as it is from today’s. It’s stupid in any perspective, or any time or any dimension, for that matter. You could say this article–and its writer–is infinitely stupid.)

Also, it bears repeating that the Cubs actually fared okay with Rick’s “big boys”.

Which brings us to the Diamondbacks, who come to Wrigley Field on Friday for a three-game series. You might remember Arizona as the team that swept the Cubs in last year’s playoffs and reduced Ted Lilly to a glove-throwing incendiary device. He will take the hill Friday against Dan Haren, who is 4-1.

Honestly? It does not take a partisan to be surprised by what happened this weekend at Clark & Addison. Maybe the fact that the Cubs swept the Diamondbacks is surprising, but as well as Arizona has played up until now, and as lousy as the Cubs had been the prior two weeks, one could see the trends reverting a bit. That of course, is what happened as the D-Backs regressed offensively while things really clicked for the Cubs talented lineup for the first time since we were cautiously joy-popping around here.

Either way, teams cycle through different stretches. This series would have nothing to do with last October, nor does it have anything to do with what may happen this October. One team that was due to get hot played another team that was due to cool off.

But, oh no. Not in Rick Morissey’s grand, sweeping “everything is good or evil” biblically tremendous view. It simply cannot be so nuanced!

Does this series mean anything? Of course it does. It’s only early May, but at what point do you stop dismissing every series as unimportant? The Cubs need to do something to remind themselves they’re a good ballclub. Winning two of three against the Diamondbacks would go a long way in the recollection department.

Done. But you know what really nothers me, Rick? The fact that even if the Cubs didn’t take 2 of 3 like you commanded, or even if–god forbid–they got swept, the only effect this would have had for the Cubs would be some games in the standings. Seriously. I mean, sure we’d like for them to dominate. Speaking from Sunday’s perspective for a second, from where I’m enjoying the hell out of the Cubs having swept the D-Backs and presumably playig better ball, a sweep makes things easier for them down the road. But had they gotten swept, do you kow how many games out of first they would have been? 3. And if they crawled back into the playoffs and got to face Arizona again in the playoffs, this series–regardless of the outcome–would have nothing to do with it.

The Cubs also need to remind themselves they have huge goals this season.

Who the hell are you, Tony Goddamn Robbins?

What better route to self-awareness than through a good performance against the Diamondbacks, who are the best team in baseball right now?

“What better route to self-awareness“? How did I get from the Sports page to the Health and Wellness section?

Everything is amped up with the Cubs these days. I understand that. I plead guilty to playing into it.

You play into it? Cripes, Rick, talk about disingenuous. You are the guys who propel it, probably in the hopes that when the Cubs do win a World Series that you all can become like that douchebag Dan Shaughnessy and write about the experience in a book or something. In fact this whole article, as is my point, is all about hype, “amping up” for a 3 game set against a team from another division in early May.

By the way, I noticed that Rick has managed to write ten whole paragraphs about the 2008 Chicago Cubs and not mention that the franchise for whom these players play has not won a World Series in 100 years.

Fans, figuring that 100 years

Attaboy.

is enough, want a winner. The organization wants a winner. It’s not always a positive thing when a series in May feels like a referendum on a team’s ability and pride.

Which you, yourself, are the one dispensing with said referendum!

But here we are in Chicago, 2008.

Please don’t remind me that you live and work in the same city I do.

That’s life. Or, more aptly, that’s life and death.

What the… Did Rick just take some of Phil Roger’s “meandering aimlessly” pills?

So I’ll ask you the same question that raised your hackles after the first 18 games of the season: Do you truly know how good this team is?

I still don’t.

First. I don’t know who’s “hackles” you “raised” after–as you cite–eighteen whole games, but I’ll say the same to you know after 37 games:

Of course I don’t know how good this team is. It’s not even the fucking middle of May! Why is it so important for you to have a concise and clear defintion of a club with just over 20% of their season completed?

I see a team that is wildly inconsistent, with much of the inconsistency caused by a very, very murky rotation.

Since the interest of fairness compels me to dismiss this crap from Friday morning’s perspective, I can’t use the just-completed sweep of the Diamondbacks to prove how off Rick was, but even on Friday morning, there were only six teams in major-league baseball who had a better record than the Cubs. If only the Cubs could always be so inconsistent.

It’s true that the rotation may be murky, though. Yay! Rick said something that was not shrouded in idiocy.

Carlos Zambrano finally is pitching to his considerable talent. Ryan Dempster, moved from the closer role to a starter, has been a very pleasant surprise. No, check that. He has been a revelation.

But unless Zambrano and Dempster turn out to be Randy Johnson- Curt Schilling circa 2001

This is just lazy. And so stupid it’s generating it’s own heat.

the Cubs are going to have a hard time winning like this. You cannot look at Lilly, Jason Marquis and Jon Lieber and be anything other than frightened right now. And that’s even with Lilly pitching well of late!

Again, fair warning. Especially from Friday morning’s perspective. Look, ma! Rick Morrisey’s making some good points.

Manager Lou Piniella is sticking with the struggling Alfonso Soriano in the leadoff spot.

Again with the leadoff spot, Rick? Don’t you ever find anything new and interesting to write about?

I don’t think Soriano has incriminating photos of Piniella. I think he has IMAX movies of him. Soriano needs to be somewhere in the order where his poor batting average isn’t such a huge issue for the club and where his power might actually help.

Okay, I know it’s not fair to do this, as this article was written on Friday. I’ll just say that Sunday Mike wants to tell Friday Rick to shove it up his nose with Soriano’s pink bat.

While we’re talking about concerns, the team’s defense has been pretty shoddy too.

So this would be a really good time for the Cubs to attain some peace of mind for themselves and their devoted followers. There has been so much head-scratching in town regarding this team, you would think you were at a calculus class for English majors.

This is torture. How long are these articles?

I think the Cubs can be a very good team. I believe they will win their division. I just would like to see a few more shafts of light amid the cloudy skies.

Why the hell does Rick Morissey feel so entitled to see so many “shafts of light” by mid-May? Who the hell does he think his is, anyway? This team has been mostly good, and that’s rare enough for the Cubs. But Rick “Every Game Is Game 7 of the World Series” Morrisey needs his “shafts of light” every day.

You know what, Rick? I’ve got some shaft for you right here.

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The Padres said, “Bye,” and Jim Edmonds, he cried.
It appeared his career was now over.
He frosted his tips and put clamps on his nips,
And he gave his poor dog a good greasing.
He called up his friend, Gerald Thompson again,
And they left to get loaded in Cleveland.
And later that night they played “Hide the Wang,”
Sometimes giving’s as good as receiving.

When breakfast time came the housekeeper showed up sayin’,
“What is going on with that collie?”
She closed tight the door, then passed out on the floor,
For the shock of the scene was too bawdy.
But the rumors spread wide; there was no place to hide,
It was up on YouTube by four thirty.
And still do they cry, “Gerald fits Edmonds tight,
“And that pervert Jim Edmonds fits Gerald!”

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

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• Hey remember how guys like Mark Prior, Glendon Rusch, and Michael Barrett made your life miserable, and now they’re the San Diego Padres’ problem? Well, so is Shawn Estes now. You know, Greg Maddux, if you want to get away from those guys and come back, the clubhouse door is always open.
• Apparently, the Dusty Baker apologists followed him all the way to Cincinnati. Since I still have a bit of a soft spot in my heart for the folks in that town, I’ll spare you the suspense, Reds fans. Edinson Volquez is screwed.
• It was nice of Steve Rosenbloom to let a twelve-year-old who hasn’t yet learned about things like “thesis statements,” “coherent thoughts,” or “schizophrenia” write his column.
• Jim Hendry has suggested that any changes to the team in the short-term will come from within. Isn’t that the same speech Uncle Ben gave to Peter Parker?
• Paul Sullivan writes the best opening paragraph he’s ever written, pointing out that Alfonso Soriano is second only to Corey Patterson in OBP for leadoff men in the National League. Sullivan also mentions that we will most likely activate Scott Eyre before Saturday’s game against the Diamondbacks. That means we’ll have to send someone down to AAA to make room for him on the roster. And we’ll have to evict the family living in his uniform pants.
• MLB.com came up with a list of their favorite nine “weird” ballpark traditions. The list is brilliant, including such outstanding “traditions” as the six-year-old Rally Monkey, the Home Run Apple, and traditions from such beloved teams as the Toronto Blue Jays and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
• The Commish evaluates the Brian Roberts trade. You remember that one? The trade that didn’t get done. Why are we still talking about this?
• I keep telling Soto that if he’d just take a few more steroids, he’d be able to get that triple and finish off the cycle he’s almost had a few times this year.
• Alex Rodriguez finally saw his first vagina, and the shock of it knocked him unconscious.
• Cancel your weekly trip to Berwyn to look at a shish kebob of cars. To avoid the uprising that would have ensued had they taken “The Spindle” down during the day, bandits came in the night and tore down the real star of Wayne’s World.

Well, that’s it for me, kids. This weekend, we’re hoping to beat the Diamondbacks at least two more times than we did last October. Hey, at least Rich Hill isn’t pitching, right?

-Sweet Uncle Lou

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THOM: You look at his career numbers, I’m talking about his minor league numbers, he just came to the majors for the first time this season. And you wonder, you know, where did all of this offense all of a sudden come from Geovany Soto?…You look at his minor league numbers, .260 one year, .269, .242, .271, .253…he had never hit more than nine home runs in a minor league season..NINE, until last year when he hit TWENTY-SIX in Triple-A Iowa and hit .353. Now all of a sudden, in his first full-year in the major leagues, granted it’s only a month and a week, but he’s hitting almost .340 and leads the Cubs in runs batted in with 24.

CHRIS: I don’t mean this in a bad way, but before steroid testing, you see a blip in the radar like that you say, well..

THOM: Right…

CHRIS: …one of the possibilities might be he’s juicing, but obviously that’s not the case anymore, everyone’s tested. And you know that doesn’t happen very much with baseball players because usually, whether it’s at the minor league level or the major league level, by the time you’re 28 or so…I’m not sure how old Soto is…he’s only 25, you reach a certain plateau of productivity. You pretty much stay within range. Maybe now that he’s getting closer to the prime of his career…around…he’s 25, so it’ll be a couple years until he’s in that…but maybe he’s reaching a new plateau.

THOM: Well another guy that was similar to that was Sammy Sosa…now people can accuse Sosa of “did he do this or did he do that”. To my knowledge he’s never been tested in a positive way for any kind of steroids, whether people believe or not he did is an entirely different question.

But the point being, that Sosa was one of those guys coming up through the White Sox organization who never hit many home runs, then all of a sudden got to the big leagues and started knocking the cover off the ball.

You. Fucking. Jackasses. Fuck you both. Seriously. How dare you “professional” broadcasters do something so completely unprofessional as to implicate an outstanding young player just because he finally blossomed into a Major League hitter? Even worse, you didn’t even have the balls to flat-out implicate Soto. You basically said, “I don’t want to say the guy took steroids, but guys who figure out how to hit most likely took steroids.” Who the hell do you think you are? And, tHom, bringing up Sosa? For God’s sake, he hasn’t even been on the Cubs for four years. Pathetic.

Honestly, the two of you should be out on your asses. Your lame antics may be suitable for a shock jock morning radio show, but they are wholly unacceptable in a Major League Baseball broadcast. I sincerely hope the Reds organization forces these clowns to make a formal apology to Geovany Soto. And I hope Soto hears what they said and shoves it up the Reds’ asses for the rest of his career (he’s off to a good start, putting up a .371/.421/.686 line so far in his young career).

And if anyone in the FBI is reading this, you might want to confiscate these guys’ hard drives. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

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I’m not saying I’m not annoyed by how the Cubs have been playing the last two weeks, but this is part of the ebb and flow nature of a baseball season that even good teams experience. Just as it would be unreasonable to expect the Cubs to go 17-10 every month, it’s equally unreasonable to conclude that a 4-9 stretch over the last two weeks most certainly spells doom.

Let’s bear in mind that even with this two-week stretch of truly bad baseball, that there are only seven teams in the big leagues that have a better record than the Cubs–and one of them will be due for a regression that will make the Cubs’ current stretch seem downright pleasant.

I just wonder where the ledge-jumping fans come from. Number one, if they’ve been Cub fans for any length of time, bad baseball should not be a surprise. Number two, and more significantly, anybody who is familiar with the rich tapestry of a major-league baseball season, the ups and downs, the hot streaks and cold snaps, should have by now developed a better coping mechanism than just sitting at his/her computer, and instantly registering his/her impulsive dismissal of this team.

You know which team in recent history rarely endured the types of two-week struggles that has this portion of the Cubs fanbase standing on the ledge? Uncle Lou’s 2001 Mariners, who did not endure a losing streak of more than two games until the final three weeks of the season, on their way to tying the major-league record with 116 wins. The Mariners followed up this angst-free record-breaking season by winning only 4 of their 10 subsequent playoff games, and failed to win the pennant.

And the last time I checked, winning the pennant is the goddamn holy grail for fans of this franchise. I can think of nothing more disappointing than to see this team playing so well during the regular season that we’re deprived of the type of adversity that currently has so many fans screaming their heads off with hysterics, only to then see them stumble and get dismissed in the playoffs. Would you rather be the 2001 Mariners of the 2006 Cardinals?

It’s a long season, kids. There’s obviously nothing wrong with pointing out this team’s flaws. They have some definite question marks in their rotation that will need to be addressed if any realistic hopes for a pennant are to be realized (short answer would be to keep Larry F. Rothschild as far away from this staff as possible, but Larry has proven to be Teflon Man, so we’re left with trying to win in spite of him). I’m certainly not enjoying watching this team right now. But can we reign in “The End Is Near” bullshit and learn to pace ourselves? This whining makes us look like a bunch of Boston Red Sox fans.

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White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen curses this city for failing to give the Sox organization proper respect, but he has no problem with the infantile and sexist “shrine” his players erected in their locker room.

So, Ozzie Guillen is an idiot who is completely obsessed with the Cubs, and he’s sexist. I don’t see how that’s a conflict of personality.

Designed to help the team break out of its slump, the shrine featured two female blow-up dolls surrounded by ‘’strategically placed” baseball bats and was accompanied by a sign that read, ”You’ve Got To Push,” Canada’s National Post reported.

Dolls, right? Not actual women, right? Dolls with plastic heads and vinyl bodies that look less like a real human being than a Barbie doll would, right?

”A few of the bats were doing naughty things,” Sun-Times beat writer Joe Cowley wrote in his blog. Apparently one of the dolls was propped up by a bat in its rear end. Whether the lewdness was intentional or not, this was inappropriate. As were the blow-up dolls. Period.

Why? Because you, the most ridiculously uptight reporter in Chicago, said so? Oh, I know what your article is missing. This logical leap: “The display is offensive because it suggests that the White Sox condone the act of shoving a baseball bat up a woman’s ass.” Maybe you left it out because you’re a bad writer. Maybe you left it out because you typed it up and realized just how silly that argument sounds. But it at least would have been an argument.

The actions of the Sox, in erecting (hee hee!) a “sexist shrine” in their locker room consisting of inflatable female sex dolls with bats shoved up their rear ends is about as sexist as Spinal Tap’s Black album cover. THEY’RE DOLLS. The Sox didn’t have naked pictures of actual women plastered around their locker room. They weren’t watching porn. Hell, they didn’t even “peel a section” for each win like the guys in Major League did. I would also like to point out, Carol, that you’re up in arms about something YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE, AND ABOUT WHICH YOU’RE HEARING SECOND-HAND REPORTS.

Neither Guillen, his players nor anyone else in the Sox organization had attempted to conceal the shrine from reporters before the Sox played the Blue Jays on Sunday at Toronto’s Rogers Centre. And on Monday, Guillen defended the display (which had since been taken down), rationalizing that the team treats female reporters respectfully, and besides, he has seen a lot worse during his big-league career. So what’s the big deal, anyway?

So, they’re respectful to actual, living, breathing women, but they joked around with some plastic dolls. Good question, Carol. What is the big fucking deal?

Apparently the sensitivity training classes Guillen attended after using a gay slur in 2006 did not include a segment on blow-up dolls.

No, they probably didn’t. Because teaching someone to treat an inanimate object with sensitivity is about as insanely stupid as this article has been so far.

Just so we’re clear, had there been any female reporters working Sunday’s game — my understanding is there weren’t — the Sox could have found themselves in legal trouble as a result of the display. It’s also possible male reporters were offended by the display.

What exactly is the hypothetical female reporters’ legal argument, Carol? Intentional infliction of severe emotional distress? Because, you know, you need to actually show some psychological damages for that. Do you think anyone is going to need therapy after this? Are you trying to make a case for sexism in the workplace? Because, you know, they don’t actually work in the White Sox organization. As for a male reporter feeling offended, do you really care what Bwuce Levine thinks?

Let’s also point out that any reporter that walks into a men’s locker room is going to see some actual, real-life doo-dads right out there in public. Are you really making the argument, Carol, that seeing a wooden bat protruding from a plastic doll is going to be more shocking to a reporter’s senses than actual wang?

But this isn’t about reporters’ feelings. Reporters are conduits to the fans. What a team does behind closed doors is its own business. But once the locker room opens, the franchise is on public display. So, how do you like your team now, Sox fans? Do you think the players respect women? I’m not so sure about that.

Yes, Carol. You’re my conduit to my favorite sports teams. You are the true “voice of the fan,” if the fan is a bitter, frigid librarian who considers white bread “scandalous.” While we’re on the point of the locker room being open, please allow me to voice my opinion here. FEMALE REPORTERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE LOCKER ROOM. Sorry, but it’s completely ridiculous that these athletes shouldn’t allowed to be guys in the sanctuary of their own locker room.

However, I also believe that female reporters shouldn’t be at a disadvantage as compared to their male counterparts. So here’s my very simple solution. NO ONE is allowed in the locker room. These reporters can wait an extra 10-15 minutes so the guys can grab a shower, put some pants on, and meet them in the INTERVIEW ROOM. Problem solved. Everyone’s happy. The players have some privacy. The reporters are on equal footing. No one has to look at the lewd and lascivious displays in the White Sox clubhouse.

Can you imagine the Yankees or Red Sox building a similar shrine in their locker room, in full view of clubhouse visitors? Can you imagine Joe Girardi or Terry Francona allowing that to happen? I can’t.

I don’t think Francona would give a shit. That psychopath Girardi, though, won’t let his players have CANDY in the clubhouse. Is that really a valid point?

While Guillen has no problem with the shrine, he has definite issues with where the Sox rank in this two-team baseball city. His Sunday sermon proved that.

”The Cubs haven’t won in 120 years, and they’re the [bleep]ing best,” he said. ”[Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We’re the Chicago bitch.”

Why is he wasting energy on the Cubs? More important, how can he complain about a lack of respect while his players are worshipping blow-up dolls in the locker room? It’s absurd.

No, absurd is equating the one with the other. I notice you skipped the part where Guillen said all the fans in Chicago are basically idiots. Because THAT WAS SO OFFENSIVE TO ME AS A CHICAGO SPORTS FAN. By the way, it’s spelled “worshiping.”

That’s not to let the players off the hook. Who among them thought this was a good idea? How could the so-called team leaders — Paul Konerko, Jim Thome, Mark Buehrle, Orlando Cabrera and Nick Swisher — allow this this to happen?

To think there wasn’t a single player man enough to stand up and say, ”This is wrong.”

Yeah, fuck those guys for not wanting to have their heads dunked in a freshly-used toilet and have their eyebrows shaved off in their sleep.

For the sake of thoroughness, let’s reverse the situation. If I were to walk into a women’s locker room (I like where this is going so far) and see two inflatable male sex dolls with baseball bats sticking out of their asses, you know what my reaction would be? Laughter. And then I’d carry on with my job like a professional. Incidentally, if you know anyone looking for reporters for any women’s sports, particularly Brazilian soccer, please let me know.

I’m sure the players’ moms, wives, sisters and daughters are really proud of them. Way to go, guys. And just so we’re clear, the tired ”boys will be boys” excuse no longer works.

Who needs moms, wives, sisters, and daughters when these players have a nagging bitch like you to keep them in line?

But it starts at the top. I’m pretty sure Guillen was born without a sensitivity chip, but what about general manager Ken Williams and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf? What about commissioner Bud Selig, who ordered Guillen’s 2006 sensitivity training? Verbal or not, intended or not, the blow-up doll shrine said a mouthful about how the Sox organization views women. And I don’t like what I heard.

Of course you don’t. Is there anything you do like, Carol? Because I’m looking for a place to store my Louisville Slugger.

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