Archive for the “Uncategorized” Category

After Ryan Dempster and Kevin Millar spent their Spring Training verbally sparring through the media, HJE decided what better way to settle this once and for all than Dempster/Millar point/counterpoint? HJE: Allowing Wanna-Be Comedians to Play Public Grabass Since 2008.
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The world is a little less funny today after the passing of the great comic George Carlin. He will be missed. Carlin baseball goodness (transcript for you soundless workaphiles followed by video) is below. Do yourself a favor and watch the video, though.
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The nice thing about being reminded of Lee Elia’s tirade this year is that it marks 25 years, and 25 has always been a good, round hearty slice of time to dissect. A 17-10 record to start the season is rarified air for the Cubs, when you take into account this past quarter-century.

I went to BB-Ref and ran a quick look at the last 25 Aprils (and in the case of the 2000 season, the additional 2 games played in a Tokyo March), and the numbers confirmed my suspicion–rarely have Cubs teams gotten off to such a fine start. Throwing out the 1995 season (when an ungodly .800 winning percentage is mitigated by the fact that the season was only 5 games old heading into May), the only team that had a better winning percentage in April than this year’s team is the 1985 Cubs, who began the season as defending National League East champs. Don’t worry–we’re not going to relive the agony of that June’s 13-game losing streak or when the entire goddamn starting rotation was on the DL at the same time at one point that season.

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All right all you cocksuckers. Mean Uncle Lee’s feeling a little less “mean” today. After picking up my Dunkin Donuts morning fucking coffee and fucking apple fritter today, I’m nice and chilled-the-fuck-out. It so happened that I was offered a fucking opportunity to share some of the fucking wealth with all of you jobless cocksuckers, and so I’m throwing out my “Sip, Scratch and Score” entry for any of you jobless motherfuckers who would kill for a horribly fucking unsatisfying 4″ pepperoni “pizza”. Yeah, that’s right, assholes. Pizza at fucking Dunkin Donuts. Who cares if it sucks, your fucking unemployed ass can’t be choosing what you beg for. You’re fucking welcome.

And we’ll fucking know if any of you jobless cocksuckers go to Wiki or Google, so don’t even think about it.

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All right listen up you jobless cocksuckers, because Uncle Lee’s only got this one day to keep you motherfuckers on the stick. Since you jerkoffs can’t seem to find any way to find consistent fucking work, it’s up to motherfuckers like me, in the other 85 per cent, to keep you cocksuckers entertained.

I don’t know what’s worse–being an unemployed cocksucker, or getting paid to ogle girls three times younger than you like that fucking cocksucker Elliot Harris, but that motherfucker apparently has taken a break from stalking Anna Kournikova to list all of the other fucking rants that tittilliated the creepy bastard.

Hey at least Harris’s subjects are at least 18. That cocksucker Roger Clemens? Not so much, huh?

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Holidays are fun.

Before the festivities get started today, I’d like to say that I’ve always admired Lee Elia and felt bad for him getting scorched like he did. And he was right. Not in the 15%/85% split–although that’s funny–but in what he said about his team’s ability, when he insisted that the Cubs–dormant for a decade after the last vestiges of the Durocher-Era Cubs had faded to dust–were beginning to turn things around:

There are some fucking pros out there that want to fucking play this game. But you’re stuck in a fucking stigma of the fucking Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals and all that cheap shit. All these motherfucking editorials about Cey and fucking uhhh the Phili-itis and all that shit–its sickening. It’s unbelievable, it really is. It’s a disheartening situation we’re in right now. 5-14 doesn’t negate all that work……but once we hit that fucking groove, it’ll flow. And it WILL flow; the talent’s there. I dunno how to make it any clearer to you.

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As a bunch of you know, my beagle, Ryno, was on the DL for a few months with sporadic pain in his right hind leg. Unlike some people, I think he injured it legitimately, possibly while chasing a rabbit, knocking over a garbage can, digging under a fence, or humping one of our kitchen chairs. Earlier this week, he was diagnosed with a torn CCL (the dog equivalent of our ACL), so he went in for surgery this morning.

The surgery was a success. His CCL was completely torn through, so the doctor removed it and inserted a plate and screws into his leg to support his knee. He had no torn cartilage, and just a touch of arthritis, treatable with the dog equivalent of aspirin. Thanks to all of the well-wishers. Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy recovery.

Sorry it’s been a disaster today. This was NOT part of the April Fools’ Day joke yesterday. Instead of having the chance to write something today, I’ve been trying to resolve our technical difficulties. And then, of course, my internet connection failed me. Bear with me. Hopefully everything will be completely back to normal tomorrow.

Apparently, they write e-mails threatening silly lawsuits. I was amused to find the following e-mail from “M R” in my inbox tonight. The e-mail was entitled “Authorization of image use.”
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This is the type of topic that gets the clownish hacks at the Bright One’s sports section to pen 700 words instead of actually writing about, you know, sports. However, I have seen nary a reference to this anywhere and wanted to throw it out there to see if anyone can confirm or my deny my optimistic hunch that the Cubs have finally decided to rid themselves of the decade-long hackneyed distraction that has been the “7th Inning Guest Conductor”.

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