Archive for the “The Bottom 126” Category

Congratulations, Jim Edmonds! You haven’t played a single game as a Chicago Cub. You haven’t pissed and moaned about a single called third strike in blue pinstripes. You haven’t taken a circuitous route and a completely unnecessary dive to catch a single fly ball as a home player in front of the Wrigley ivy. You haven’t molested a single Chicago-born dog. Yet you have accomplished the unthinkable. You have forced a two-way tie at the top of my list of the Bottom 126 Cubs of My Time.
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Well, it took nearly five months, but it’s all over. Now that The Bottom 126 is finished, I figured I’d give you folks a chance to leave the “You missed this guy!” and “Why is this guy ranked so high?” and “But he had 200 hits!” comments in one thread. I think I will leisurely go through the list, update some of the older posts (which have less content, since I didn’t realize anyone was actually reading the list), possibly move a couple of guys around, and update the B126 sidebar to provide direct links to every one of the guys. I guess a good strategy would be to only provide a direct link to the guy once I’ve updated his post, so that’s what I’ll do. I also might move the B126 sidebar so that it has its own page at the top of the screen once I start the new series.

I’ll probably take about a week or so off to recover before I start the new list. Details on the new series will be revealed in just a few moments.

It’s been fun debating with you, hearing your stories, and watching you guys flex your outstanding memories for some of these guys. Thanks for keeping me on my toes and keeping me motivated to go through 126 of these entries. So, go ahead. Fire away in the comments.

If you’re ever standing next to both Todd Hundley and an abandoned well, and you don’t accidentally pat him on the back hard enough to send him hurtling into the inky dark abyss, well I guess you don’t have a murderous heart. And that’s okay. I guess if you compared him to, say, a group of guys who dress up as clowns and drive across the country getting into circuses for free and then slaughtering all of the caged animals and making kids cry, he’s not that bad a human being. But when it comes to guys who have donned the blue pinstripes in my lifetime, he’s the worst of the worst. So if you can’t find it in the darkest part of your heart to send the man to his doom, at least turn to him and say, “You know what, Todd? You were the Number One Bottom Cub of Bad Kermit’s lifetime. Man, did he ever hate you. You’re lucky I’m not him right now, because he’d probably want to throw you into that abandoned well right there.” And when Hundley says, “Who the f@#$ is Bad Kermit?” that’s when you shove him. F@#$ that guy.
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When I am visiting my psychiatrist after the next ten World Championshipless years, and we get to the root of all of my problems with relationships and love, I’m sending the bill to the second-worst Cub of my lifetime, Neifi Perez. This is why.
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You’re a lucky man, Alex Gonzalez. Your ridiculous flair for dramatic walk-off home runs and your shockingly timely home runs in the 2003 NLCS spared you from a much more degrading fate on The Bottom 126.

As it stands, you gave me just barely enough fist-pumping moments to squeeze in at third on the list. It helped your case that the trade for you sent Felix Heredia out of the country. You also didn’t seem to be the face of pure evil, though I suppose the face of pure evil would actually disguise itself with the face of an angel. Either that or a mask of human skin. In any event, congratulations on not being ranked higher.
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F@#$ you, Kermit. F@#$ you and your stupid list. You put me at number four on your list? That’s bullshit. Maybe I didn’t have the best years of my career with the Cubs, but you can’t do what I do. I can do what you do, but you can’t do what I do.

That’s why I’m making my own list, bitch. It’s going to be called “The Bottom 126 Bloggers of My Time.” Guess who’s going to be number one, mother f@#$er? You. And this dude is going to be number two. I’m supposed to believe I’m so bad that I actually inspired someone in Colorado to give a shit about baseball enough to write about me? That’s bullshit, dude.
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NEW FOR 2007!

Coming in August, 2007! The tenth installment in the world-famous line of Tom Emanski Instructional Videos, written, produced, and directed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff!
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You know, it’s too bad that Corey Patterson doesn’t give a shit about the game of baseball, because as anyone at the four-letter site would tell you, Patterson is the greatest five-tool player in the history of the Cubs organization. Everyone who wasn’t eating the bullshit being spoon fed to them by the Cubs organization saw only one tool who was last seen wearing a #20 jersey and repeatedly trying to pull outside pitches into right field.

Congratulations, Jacque Jones. You’re no longer the biggest dumb-ass on The Bottom 126. Make way for Corey Patterson.
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It takes a special kind of player to work one’s way into the Bottom 7 Cubs of my time after only 59 innings in a Cubs uniform. Melquiades Rojas Medrano was just that kind of player. I guess part of it is that Rojas managed to give up 54 hits, 30 walks, 29 earned runs, and 11 home runs in those 59 innings. He also managed to blow six games and go 0-4 in that time.

Doesn’t it seem like this tubby piece of crap was with the Cubs for years? Nope. Only about four months. Had Rojas spent a more significant amount of time in blue pinstripes (and had the Cubs even been remotely good in the time he was with the team), it would have been tough to keep him out of the coveted Bottom One slot.
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There is a reason the Cubs haven’t won anything in nearly a century of baseball. If you said, “Because of a goat!” “Because of the black cat!” or “Because of Steve Bartman!” go dunk your gonads in a beaker of hydrogen fluoride. We’ll wait.

Done? Hurt, didn’t it? You deserved it. There is nothing magical or supernatural about why the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in ninety-nine years. There is no such thing as curses. No goat, be it the kind that says “Baaa” or the kind that wears a Walkman has ever cost the Cubs the World Series. Shame on you for taking such an easy way out by saying otherwise.
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