Archive for the “Lists” Category

Jose Vizcaino spent all but 121 games of his 18-season Major League career in the National League, much to the chagrin of the Chicago Cubs. Vizcaino spent the majority of his career, which included three seasons as a Cub, as a utility infielder. A generally light-hitting utility infielder (his most-similar batter according to Baseball-Reference is TITO FUENTES), Vizcaino magically flexed his muscle against the Cubs. Hence, the reason Jose Vizcaino checks in as the 63rd biggest Cub Killer of my Time.
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Congratulations, Jim Edmonds! You haven’t played a single game as a Chicago Cub. You haven’t pissed and moaned about a single called third strike in blue pinstripes. You haven’t taken a circuitous route and a completely unnecessary dive to catch a single fly ball as a home player in front of the Wrigley ivy. You haven’t molested a single Chicago-born dog. Yet you have accomplished the unthinkable. You have forced a two-way tie at the top of my list of the Bottom 126 Cubs of My Time.
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Tom Foley’s numbers against the Cubs aren’t particularly good. Of course, Foley’s numbers against everyone else aren’t particularly good, either. But anyone who followed the Cubs in the 80s and early 90s remembers what a pain in the ass the pesky little shortstop was. Pain enough to come in at #64 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.
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Oh, Jason Kendall. Unlike a lot of other people, I actually didn’t mind it when the Cubs acquired you last summer. For one thing, at least you could catch the damn ball behind the plate. For another, it meant that there was no chance the Cubs would have to pitch against you. I shan’t soon forget your years in Pittsburgh, Jason, when so often you made life for the Cubs an absolute nightmare. Hence, Jason Kendall’s appearance at number 65 on The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.
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Was there any greater satisfaction during the 2007 season than knowing each Cubs-Astros game crossed off the calendar meant that there was one less opportunity for Craig Biggio to torment the Cubs? For two full decades, Chip Caray’s favorite player, “The Beeg,” with his absurdly oversized jersey and his penchant for leaning into pitches made life in the National League extremely difficult on the Cubs. There’s your rational reason for hating him. Your irrational reasons? His “gritty” desire to wear a filthy uniform. The fact that he was part of “The Killer Bs.” His ability to mesmerize home plate umpires into turning a blind eye to the fact that he was leaning into pitches. His creepy eyes. His ability to play 85 different positions and be good at all of them. His sexual relationship with Chip Caray. All valid reasons why Craig Biggio checks in at Number 66 on The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.
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Of course, because this is the Cubs we’re talking about, this could be an annual list, a collection of the top 20 baserunning blunders for each season. As it is, we here at Hire Jim Essian! have sifted through the history books and our own personal memories to provide the twenty situations that clearly stand out and are deserving of recognition. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to the heavy lifting of the incomparable TJ Brown, we are able to present an additional 5 HBP’s for the list below.   Since TJ knocked Sherman out of the way and joined Mister Peabody for a ride in the “Wayback Machine”, we’re actually able to make this addition to the original list the “World Series Edition”.  They’ll be listed here chronologically.  Thanks, TJ. Read the rest of this entry »

Last week we presented to you the “Top 20 Blown Saves” Carrying on the “mindless exercises in banal list-making” routine, I humbly present to you this list. I couldn’t make it a “Top 20″–hell I had a hard enough time thinking up 10–but a list is still a list. So grab a beer, sit back and enjoy the top 10 most significant times when a Cub hitter got pelted by a thrown baseball.

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So it appears we’ve got some jolly ole’ “Top #” lists going on over here. As Dolan mentions, nice way to fill up space. We here at HJE have been hard at work in matching Al’s noble cause by providing what we feel is a noble cause of our own. Part of being a Cub fan is suffering through the humiliation of consistent and embarrasing failure. And don’t the professionals say that talking about your pain helps you cope with the it? No? Well to hell with it. We’re still rolling out our own lists this offseason anyways, the first one being this one here, when our favorite relief pitchers continued to swipe defeat from the jaws of victory. Thanks in advance to many Sons of Jim Essian who Shoutboxed some ideas. So, without further ado…
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The incomparable T.J. Brown, without whose brilliance HJE would not exist, has pointed out that the guy who HASN’T met Jim Hendry has started a new list of the Top Twenty Home Runs in Cub History. As you know, BCB’s Top 100 Cubs of All Time is what inspired HJE’s Bottom 126 Cubs of My Time.
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