Archive for the “Friday Night Fukudome” Category

This particular FNF has absolutely nothing to do with anything that’s happening with the Cubs right now. I was just marveling at how ugly the Duncan brothers are. I imagine it’s tough to climb the Duncan family tree, since it has no branches.

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Chris Duncan		Shelley Duncan

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The hell with not talking about the White Sox. I’m finding it’s necessary to speak of them, but I DON’T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT THEM! For the FNF on this apocalyptic afternoon in Chicago, it’s “Ohhhhh, BABY!” time.

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Maybe it’s because of his big brother. Maybe it’s because of his love affair with the former-letter site. Maybe it’s because he sort of sucks. But the more I watch Eric Patterson, the more he reminds me of his loathsome older brother, Corey Patterson. So, let’s put them in the Fukudome, and see who survives. Look at those smug faces.

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One guy provides studio commentary for the Cubs on Comcast Sports Net. The other used to do the same job for Fox Sports Net. Both are veteran southpaws who spent part of their playing career with the Cubs.

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Carlos Marmol is out of his mind when it comes to striking dudes out. The surprising Ryan Dempster is out of his mind with WACKINESS! Only one of them can finish the season with more strikeouts. Unless they tie. But let’s not acknowledge that.

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Clearly, the St. Louis Cardinals are at the top of every Cub fan’s Hate Chart (everyone else has Hate Charts too, right?). Which NL Central team is number two, though? I’m assuming everyone is exactly like me and at least respects the Pirates and the Reds, so the Astros and the Brewers are going into the Fukudome.

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Today’s matchup of goofy-looking pitchers ended with Sean Gallagher besting Tom Gorzelanny as the Cubs cruised to a 7-4 victory. Who will win in the Fukudome, though?

Gallagher

Gorzellany

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His legend lives on from St. Louis on down,
Though he liked to have sex with a collie.
The Padres had said, “His career isn’t dead,
“He can play center field, though it’s roomy.”
Before trades they could explore, he struck out twenty-four,
Times, and his power numbers were empty.
With his dog, he got nude, ‘cuz cats are such prudes,
Though he double-bagged it, he came early.

The Padres said, “Bye,” and Jim Edmonds, he cried.
It appeared his career was now over.
He frosted his tips and put clamps on his nips,
And he gave his poor dog a good greasing.
He called up his friend, Gerald Thompson again,
And they left to get loaded in Cleveland.
And later that night they played “Hide the Wang,”
Sometimes giving’s as good as receiving.

When breakfast time came the housekeeper showed up sayin’,
“What is going on with that collie?”
She closed tight the door, then passed out on the floor,
For the shock of the scene was too bawdy.
But the rumors spread wide; there was no place to hide,
It was up on YouTube by four thirty.
And still do they cry, “Gerald fits Edmonds tight,
“And that pervert Jim Edmonds fits Gerald!”

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One guy has been dead for nearly twenty years. The other guy is Redd Foxx.

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Despite my desires to ignore the whole thing, it looks like Tuesday’s 25-year anniversary of Lee Elia’s rant is going to be shoved down all of our throats. Might as well embrace it. Who had a better Cub meltdown? Elia or Lou Piniella? You be the judge.

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