If you thought Daryle Ward’s big weekend was going to go unnoticed at Hire Jim Essian, well, you’re just not reading closely enough. In honor of the big lug’s single-handed dismantling of the “Best Team in Baseball,” today is officially Daryle Ward Day at HJE. Daryle has been putting together good at-bats all year, and this weekend it finally paid off. How about this line for the weekend?

2-2, 1 2B, 3 RBI.

Ward’s batting average went up 72 points over the weekend, and he’s hit safely in the last three games in which he’s appeared. His OBP is at .406, and his OPS is back up to a more Ward-like .823. Welcome back, Daryle. In honor of DWD, I’m eating a giant burrito for lunch.

Jim Hendry, you’ve done an awful lot of dumb things in your tenure as the Chicago Cubs’ general manager. You signed Neifi Perez a couple of times. You thought Shawn Estes belonged in a starting rotation. You traded Kyle Farnsworth right after a crap year instead of right after a good year. You ate that whole cheesecake that had been sitting out on the counter for a week, even though I told you that the top shouldn’t feel slimy. I’ve forgiven you for most of those things. But so help you God, if you sign Jim Edmonds, you are dead to me.
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Rick, Rick, Rick.

Look. I understand you’re supposed to write what your editor wants you to write. Actually, I don’t know that at all. I’ve never spent a day at a news desk. Shoot, I’ve never even taken a journalism class. I just know that the common defense for a columnist’s idiotic ham-handed pseudo-hype that passes for a column has always seemed to have been “he’s writing what his editor wants him to write” in which case you’re told to hype the shit out of some early-season series in May that coincidentally happens to be against Arizona. If so, then it sucks to be you.

But maybe that’s not true. Maybe you have complete freedom to write whatever you want to write, like the peanut-gallery douchebags like me do. If that is the case, then good god man. You’re a bigger hack than I feared. This steaming pile that you wrote last Friday, prior to a three-game series in early May? Simply hack-tastic.

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My, oh, my. I thought you guys were upset about your team. After watching their team lose six games in a row, Brewers fans are jumping off the highest building in Milwaukee (eight stories). The lactose-intolerant among them are eating all of their requisite six meals a day at Culver’s. They’re hiding under the cushions of Prince Fielder’s couch. They’re going hunting without wearing those stupid orange jackets. And they’re writing off the season after 34 games. Awesome. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup.
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There seem to be quite a few fans out there who relish the opportunity to write the season off after a particularly odious stretch of play by the Cubs. The once-great Desipio GameCasts have been dragged down in the most embarrassing manner by the petulant toy-throwing exhibited by fans who, in spite of the fact that they’ve presumably subjected themselves to several 162-game seasons, seem to live and die with every goddamn pitch.

I’m not saying I’m not annoyed by how the Cubs have been playing the last two weeks, but this is part of the ebb and flow nature of a baseball season that even good teams experience. Just as it would be unreasonable to expect the Cubs to go 17-10 every month, it’s equally unreasonable to conclude that a 4-9 stretch over the last two weeks most certainly spells doom.

Let’s bear in mind that even with this two-week stretch of truly bad baseball, that there are only seven teams in the big leagues that have a better record than the Cubs–and one of them will be due for a regression that will make the Cubs’ current stretch seem downright pleasant.

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Well, Carol Slezak, congratulations. You’re up in arms once again, bitching and moaning about the White Sox for putting inflatable sex dolls in their locker room. Let me repeat that, Carol. IN THEIR LOCKER ROOM. Far be it from me to defend the White Sox for anything, but Slezak has about as much right to complain about what the Sox do in their locker room as I do to complain about the lack of urinals in a lesbian bar. There’s no goddamn reason for either one of us to be there, anyhow, so both of us should just shut up.
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It’s a bit pathetic that the mainstream media made a far bigger deal about the 25th anniversary of Lee Elia’s tirade last week than they have about the 10th anniversary of one of the greatest MLB games ever pitched. Enjoy reliving Kid K’s masterpiece and hating Kevin Orie just one more time.

Ronny Cedeno needs more playing time. Seriously. Why in the hell is Mike Fontenot doing anything but playing bass guitar with Animal behind him on the drums? Attention, Lou: MIKE FONTENOT SUCKS. He’s not good in the field. He’s not good at the plate. He sucks at bass guitar. For God’s sake, Lou, the Cubs have kept Ronny Cedeno on the 40-man roster for years, and he’s finally starting to show the fans why. The little moron is hitting .383/.473/.574 so far with SIXTEEN RBIs in less than 1/2 the at-bats of team RBI leaders Geovany Soto and Derrek Lee at 23. He’s leading the team in batting average, and he would play better defense than Fontenot even if he didn’t have a glove. Or arms. Or a pulse.
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Lovable Loser! Single, 132-y.o. NL team seeks number two pitcher to supplement fiery Hispanic starting pitcher. Team has good offense, scoring six runs per game, thirty-one games into the season, up from 4.64 runs per game last year. Team has only been shut out once this season! Offense not a problem for the first time in years! Starting pitching needs work, though.
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It turns out Chad Fox has not yet died, and is now on the Cubs’ 25-man roster. Kevin Hart and his “cutter of death” 5.06 ERA were sent down to Iowa.