Archive for the “Around the MLB” Category

If it wasn’t funny enough that some people were actually in an uproar that Sweet Uncle Lou wasn’t thrilled about dragging his best-in-baseball team to a small town in New York to play a meaningless game for no good reason, then it just got funnier. There is at least one person on this planet who (1) actually cares about the Hall of Fame Game, and (2) cares enough that he actually pays for and maintains (read: wrote one article for) a website in support of the game. Wow. If you don’t mind, I’m going to deconstruct his “18 Reasons to Save the Hall of Fame Game.”
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Congratulations, White Sox. This is officially the last coverage you’ll ever get on HJE. You get very little coverage to begin with because, quite frankly, most Cubs fans with half a brain couldn’t care less whether you win, lose, or take a lethal overdose of methamphetamines. Quite honestly, the only time I can be bothered to root against your pathetic, second-rate team is during the Red Line Series or when my backup AL team, the Minnesota Twins, completely depantses you.

But Wednesday night, enough was enough.
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A Special Report by Maple Bat

WHOOOO-HOOOOO! Maple Bat here! Shouting at you from Louisville, Kay-Why. KY. Like the lube I use when I stay at your house and jerk off in your guest bedroom! Ha ha! Whoo! You mind if I put my feet up? Maybe undo my pants a little bit? By the way, I think I stepped in some shit on your front lawn.
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As if a 7-0 homestand, an MLB-best 36-21 record, and an upcoming road trip against the hapless San Diego Padres and Los Angeles Dodgers aren’t reason enough for a Cubs fan to be damn near giddy about the 2008 season, the good news keeps rolling in. When Jim Hendry refused to give Mark Prior more than what he was worth, I was foolishly upset. But it looks like Hendry made the right call. Prior is scheduled for season-ending shoulder surgery. Again.
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As you all know, hardly anything ever pisses me off. Certainly the fat, old, lovable, self-proclaimed “ambassador of baseball” couldn’t do so on a night that found the Cubs cleanly beating the Dodgers by a 3-1 score. Well, he did. Everyone’s so in love with the doddering old fool, that no one is willing to say it. Lasorda is an arrogant shithead.
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If the Cubs do end up signing Jim Edmonds today, as the rumors suggest will happen, there is one (and ONLY one) good thing that will come of the signing. Because of the Edmonds rumors, RV directed me to this gold mine, a St. Louis Magazine article about Edmonds’ restaurant. If you dipped a Muskat Mailbag in chocolate-flavored gold, shaped it like boobs, and served it off a $1,000 bill pulled from Megan Fox’s underpants, it wouldn’t be as good as this article. So, here we go:
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Making the decisions of when to hit-and-run, when to pull a struggling pitcher, and how to construct a lineup aren’t easy, and those decisions are the ones for which MLB managers get paid the big bucks. The actual process of managing, though, isn’t hard. Put nine guys in a lineup in some kind of order. Try to have a pitcher in there somewhere. Make sure the guy who bats ninth in the lineup always bats right after the guy who hits eighth in the lineup, even if you’ve switched the guys around. Not hard at all, really.
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His legend lives on from St. Louis on down,
Though he liked to have sex with a collie.
The Padres had said, “His career isn’t dead,
“He can play center field, though it’s roomy.”
Before trades they could explore, he struck out twenty-four,
Times, and his power numbers were empty.
With his dog, he got nude, ‘cuz cats are such prudes,
Though he double-bagged it, he came early.

The Padres said, “Bye,” and Jim Edmonds, he cried.
It appeared his career was now over.
He frosted his tips and put clamps on his nips,
And he gave his poor dog a good greasing.
He called up his friend, Gerald Thompson again,
And they left to get loaded in Cleveland.
And later that night they played “Hide the Wang,”
Sometimes giving’s as good as receiving.

When breakfast time came the housekeeper showed up sayin’,
“What is going on with that collie?”
She closed tight the door, then passed out on the floor,
For the shock of the scene was too bawdy.
But the rumors spread wide; there was no place to hide,
It was up on YouTube by four thirty.
And still do they cry, “Gerald fits Edmonds tight,
“And that pervert Jim Edmonds fits Gerald!”

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Oh, hello. What’s that? You want me to back up my claim that tHom Brennaman and Chris Welch may or may not be child pornographers? Why should I? tHom and Chris weren’t forced to back up their completely ludicrous implication Monday night on a live baseball broadcast that Cub stud catcher Geovany Soto has used performance-enhancing drugs.
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Well, Roger, we all knew you were a fucking cocksucker. You’ve been a ‘roided-up, self-centered hired gun prick for your entire career. You’ve played for the Red Sox and the Yankees, two of the most hated fucking franchises in all of baseball. And now, we find out that you’re a fucking pedophile. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that you weren’t having a sexual relationship with country star Mindy McCready WHEN SHE WAS FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD, what in the fuck was a 28-year-old married man with two kids doing with ANY kind of relationship with a fifteen-year-old?! You’re a sick fuck, Clemens, which is why you’re our “Fucking Cocksucker of the Day.”

As your prize, you can kiss my fucking ass right downtown and PRINT IT!