Sweet Uncle Lou: “God Help You All if the Cardinals Catch Up”
So, I’m taking my morning shit walk, and I open the sports section to see that the Cardinals are three goddamn games behind us! I must have yelled so loud that Anita thought I fell off the shitter tripped on a goddamn crack in the sidewalk and banged my head.
Remember when I pointed out earlier that the best goddamn starting pitcher on the Cardinals is Todd Wellemeyer? It still is!
God help you all if the Cardinals catch up to us. If that happens, I will quit this goddamn job and get a job in a laboratory which strives to invent a wind-proof, rust-proof, wear-proof coating for steel, glass, and stone. I will work during the days on this coating. At night, I will don a janitor’s uniform, which I will steal from Karl, the regular janitor, after bashing him over his goddamn head with a goddamn marble paperweight. Dressed as “Karl,” I will spend nights sneaking into the lab, altering the formula for the coating so that, instead of “proofing” steel, glass, and stone, it causes them to burn hotter than the insides of Daryle Ward’s goddamn thighs when he walks up the bullpen stairs in sandpaper pants. I will then get a job as a salesperson for my ultra-flammable coating, selling it to all of the owners of all of the goddamn buildings in the city of Chicago. At that point, I will go for another career change to that of an independent contractor. I will hire myself to coat each and every building in Chicago with my goddamn hellfire coating. Once the city is covered in my coating, I will take a goddamn match to strategically-located locations, AND I WILL BURN THIS GODDAMN CITY TO THE GODDAMN GROUND!!!
Christ, at this point, I don’t even care if it’s the goddamn Brewers that win this division. They’re goddamn assholes, they have fair-weather fans, they’re single-handedly keeping the goddamn national weight average in the “complete fatasses” category, and they absolutely refuse to either pull away in the goddamn division and put us out of our goddamn misery, or to get the hell out of our way so WE can win this goddamn thing.
BUT AT LEAST THEY’RE NOT THE GODDAMN CARDINALS!
Look, we have the goddamn Cardinals coming into this soon-to-be-the-only-city-to-have-burned-to-the-ground-TWICE city for four goddamn games this goddamn weekend. Rick G. Ankiel is going to come into our town with his goddamn Cub-killing status and his goddamn “feel-good” story, and he’s going to try to get his goddamn team back into this goddamn race.
Let’s not goddamn let that goddamn happen. I can’t stand to watch that goddamn wine-sipping idiot wear his goddamn sunglasses during the goddamn NIGHT GAMES in the goddamn playoffs again. I will puke my goddamn guts into my goddamn hat if that happens. So let’s bury the goddamn Cardinals like we’ve done before.
God help you all if we don’t.
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Comments
Section 242 I think I liked it better when Sweet Uncle Lou didn’t think the Cardinals were a threat at all. I was comfortable being in denial.
Flem Well, the last time Lou read us the Riot Act, the Cubs went on a huge tear up through the All-Star break, so let’s hope that happens again. I don’t want to see Lou end up in infamy like Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.
Dan I’m sure that rant will work. Whatever the hapless Cubs have been doing over the years it hasn’t stopped the Cards from winning 18 NL titles and 10 world championship. I’m sure it’s all going to turn around now that you have an Anger Manager, a couple of midget infielders from LSU and Charles Manson behind the plate.
Albert Look out, here we cum! Since little Rickey services us before each game, we have been more relaxed. Juno, Jimmy boy
has been less sulky as of late and more receptive just like the old days. Lagenius and Juan may be having a spat , but we all
know it’s a matter of time before Juan bends over and takes one (or more) for the team. We all love little Rickey. Many a nights
since he’s been back, we all gather together naked and bang on each others drums and sing “Babaloo”. Maybe we can share a bit of that love to you my friends.
8-Ball Cardinals Looks like our “Flying High” off the field has finally translated to our on-the-field performance!!!
Dan By the way, see you brought back Keith Moreland to play RF last night. That was quite an athletic bunch of corner outfielders you had out there with Red (I’m slow and take horrible angles) Murton Please play that outfield this weekend.
AB I think Yosh Kawano must have let Murton out of his cage into the sunshine yesterday before the game and it zapped his powers
CT
Bocaj
BigFlax
StPatrick
TDubbs
umm….yes sir.