Deconstructing Cubs Central Pregame

PICTURE REDACTED, BECAUSE OF THIS GUY —>
It happens all the time during that glorious time of year that is the Major League Baseball season. I get out of work around 6:00 or 6:15, I start my drive home, and I get stuck in traffic. 6:30 rolls around, and I’m still wending my way home, when I get the urge, against my better instincts, to tune my radio to AM 720 for the “WGN Cubs Radio 720 (deep breath) Cubs Central Pregame.” Why? Why do I do this to myself? I guess I have the hope that Sweet Uncle Lou will have at least one hilarious quote during the Lou Piniella Show, but at what cost do I wait for it? The pregame is absolutely maddening, and it’s the same goddamn thing every single time. As a favor to myself, to everyone else tired of the banality of the pregame show, and to the out-of-town readers who don’t have the torment privilege of listening to the show, I’ve boiled it down from you in nice, condensed form. Instead of spending the half hour listening to the show every game, just go ahead and read this handy post before every game.

You’re welcome.

DISEMBODIED ANNOUNCER: The following is a presentation of WGN Sports.

CORY PROVUS: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Cubs Central Pregame. I’m your host, Cory Provus. Hey, don’t forget to read my blog on WGNRadio.com. Sure, the blog has been up since way back when Andy Masur was here in August of 2006, and sure, as far as I can tell, no one has ever left a single comment on any of the entries, but that doesn’t mean you’re not reading. Does it? To give you an idea of what’s coming up on Cubs Central Pregame, it’s the same thing as it is every single game. First, we’ll take a look at what happened last night. Then, we’ll have the starting lineups and starting pitcher matchups. After that, we’ll take a look around the league via the “Square D out-of-town scoreboard,” which I promise is not just “the internet.” That’ll be followed by the Lou Piniella Show with Ron Santo, and then Ron Santo will have a special interview with Cubs second baseman, Mike Fontenot. But first, joining me on Cubs Central Pregame is the top 4/5ths of Cub legend Ron Santo. Ronnie, earlier this year, you’d been sick for a while, and I got a lot of e-mails asking how you’re doing. In fact, during the games you were gone, we devoted at least half the pregame show to assuring the fans that you’re not dead. So, the fans want to know. How are you feeling?

RON SANTO: Well, Andy- I mean, Cory. (CLEARS THROAT DIRECTLY INTO MICROPHONE) I’m still feeling a bit under the weather, as always. I still have a bit of a cough, and I’m still producing something in my lungs that’s not quite tar, but it’s not quite saliva. Also, the last couple of times I checked, I had skid marks. But, I love being here, and I love these great, great fans, and I want to be out here whenever I can. Thank you to all my fans for the support.

PROVUS: Well, I know these fans missed you, and it’s great to have you back, Ronnie.

SANTO: Well, it’s great to be back, Andy- Cory.

PROVUS: Well, Ronnie, the Cubs won a thriller last night.

SANTO: Oh, boy, you know it. The way this ballclub has been playing, you just feel like they’re going to be in every game, and that’s been the case so far this year for just about every game. And that’s a big difference from recent years with this ballclub, when you knew their manager was absolutely going to lose the game for them. A big, big difference.

PROVUS: Well, the Cubs got down early because of a shaky beginning from starter Ted Lilly.

Provus plays the radio broadcast.

PAT HUGHES: Lilly fires to Norton, and that’s a loooong drive to deep left field, and the Braves are going to take a 3-0 lead here in the first.

SANTO: Geez! You know? I just don’t get why this happens to us. Every time. It looks like Lilly is going to get out of a jam, he gets two outs, and then- You know? Before you know it. 3-0. Also, I dropped my keys in the toilet earlier today. AFTER, if you know what I mean.

PROVUS: But the Cubs rallied back, scoring six unanswered runs to make it a 6-3 Cub lead before Bob Howry came on in the 8th inning.

Provus plays the radio broadcast.

HUGHES: Swung on, and that’s a base hit for McCann, and Francoeur is going to score. Make it 6-4 Cubs, with runners on first and third, two outs, and Omar Infante coming to the plate.

SANTO: Who hit that? Andres Gallaraga?

HUGHES: That was Braves catcher Brian McCann, Ronnie.

SANTO: Oh. I drew a picture of him on my scorecard, because I didn’t catch the name, and it sort of looks like Gallaraga. He used to play with the Braves, didn’t he?

HUGHES: He did, indeed, Ronnie. And now Infante lines a base hit, and the Cubs lead is cut to only 6-5.

SANTO: (sighs loudly into microphone) Welp. You know. You gotta put these teams away. You can’t let them score any runs, ever, or you’ll never win another game ever again.

PROVUS: But Scott Eyre came in to collect the third out of the inning, which set up Geovany Soto to put the Braves away in the bottom of the 8th inning. With the Cubs up 7-5 with two outs, Soto came up with two men on base.

HUGHES: The 3-2 pitch. Soto hits a drive!

SANTO: Ohhhh, YES!

HUGHES: Deep left field! This one’s got a chaaaaaaaaaaance! GONE!

SANTO: All RIGHT!

HUGHES: Cubs lead 10-5. Geovany Soto with a big three-run home run into the basket in left field.

SANTO: Well, you know. Like I was saying earlier, the Cubs always put teams like this away. And for that home run, the Cubs are going to make a big, big donation to the WGN Neediest Kids who Walk for the Cure in Support of JDRF.

PROVUS: And that’s the way it would end, with the Cubs beating the Braves by a final of 10-5. Ted Lilly got the win, his 6th of the season. Tom Glavine took the loss, the 10,000th of his career. Right now, we’re going to take a break on Cubs Central Pregame, but first we’re going to pick a contestant on tonight’s Back-to-Back Jacks Contest. If the Cubs hit back-to-back home runs in any inning but the seventh inning, Jay Orenchuk from Oak Park, Illinois is going to win $1,000. If they hit back-to-back home runs in the seventh inning, you’re going to want to refer to Article III, Section 7(a) of the Back-to-Back Jacks Contest rule guide. There, you will see that if the Cubs hit back-to-back jacks in the 7th inning, Jay will win $7,000. Unless, of course, one of those back-to-back jacks comes by way of the inside-the-park home run, in which case Jay will win nothing, and we will discontinue the Back-to-Back Jacks Contest for the rest of eternity and forfeit tonight’s game. Cubs Central Pregame continues right after this word from our sponsor.

HUGHES: Ronnie, what are we doing in this haunted house?

SANTO: (reads in a monotone voice) I sure. Don’t know? Pat.

HUGHES: This house is a fixer-upper. Looks like a job for our good friend, Mr. Fix-It, Lou Manfredini. Hello, Lou!

LOU MANFREDINI: Hey, Pat! Hey, Ron! Do you guys like my vacation home?

SANTO: It sure could. Use some work?

All three men laugh uncontrollably.

MANFREDINI: I guess you’re right, Ronnie.

HUGHES: Hey, Lou. What have you got, there? Your penis?

MANFREDINI: No, Pat, that’s just my buzzer. Would you believe I’ve been trying to fix this thing for three straight commercials?

SANTO: I’ll believe. Anything. Lou.

HUGHES: Remember, for your own fixer-upper, trust Square D for whole-house surge protection. Just in case you have a house that gets hit by lightning all the time, or in case you have a loved one cryogenically frozen in your basement.

SANTO: That’s where I keep. My legs?

The three men laugh loudly again.

HUGHES: Square D. Part of the power at Wrigley Field.

PROVUS: We’re back on Cubs Central Pregame. Ronnie, tell us about the starting lineups tonight?

SANTO: Well, we’re going to go with pretty much the same lineup we went with last night, so I hope you listened to the game and remember the lineup, because instead of quickly reading off nine names, I’m going to base my lineup off last night’s lineup. Today’s lineup is pretty much the same as it’s been. Except instead of Johnson, they’re going to go with Edmonds, and instead of Soto, they’re going to go with Blanco. And they’re going to play four outfielders and not use a shortstop, so Theriot will get a day off. And Soriano is going to get slid down in the lineup x - 4 spots in the lineup, where x = 8. Oh, and since it’s a Wednesday, Aramis Ramirez is going to take every fourth at-bat, no matter where they are in the lineup. For the Cubs and the Braves.

PROVUS: Thank you, Ronnie. How about the pitching matchup tonight?

SANTO: Well, the pitching matchup- This is going to be a good matchup. Ryan Dempster has been excellent for us this year. Good fastball. Good changeup. Good knuckle ball. Good curveball. Good slider. Good split finger fastball. Good circle changeup. Great command. He’s been just great for us this year. On the other side, the Braves have some guy, who looks like he’s pitched before. We have a hard time hitting guys like that, so we’re going to need to come out swinging the bats.

PROVUS: Thanks, Ronnie. Now, let’s take a look at scores around the league via the Square D scoreboard. Since it’s only 6:40 in the evening, the scoreboard is completely blank. Back to Ronnie with the Lou Piniella Show.

SANTO: Well, I’m here with the fine, fine manager of the Chicago Cubs, Lou Piniella. How are you doing, Lou?

LOU PINIELLA: I’m good, Ron. Can I say how great it is to have you back? We miss you when you’re not here. It’s good to see you.

SANTO: Well, thank you, Lou. It’s good to be back.

PINIELLA: How are you feeling?

SANTO: Well, my back hurts a little bit, and unless you just broke wind, I’m having some troubles with my stomach, but other than that I’m great. So, big, big win last night for this ballclub.

PINIELLA: Well, we came out swinging the bats last night, and that was good to see. We didn’t swing the bats too well for, uh- for Lilly his last start out, but we did this time. That’s why you play the games.

SANTO: Boy, how about that Ted Lilly?

PINIELLA: Well, he’s a pitcher for our team.

SANTO: You got that right.

PINIELLA: Look, sometimes Lilly is, uh- Sometimes he’s going to pitch. Sometimes, someone else is going to pitch. But you try to win all of those games, and when we’re swinging the bats well, sometimes we do.

SANTO: And what about the lineup tonight?

PINIELLA: Didn’t you already give the lineup earlier?

SANTO: Well, yeah, but-

PINIELLA: Well, we got Soriano leading off, then Theriot, who’s been a sparkplug for us at the top. Then, we got Lee, Ramirez, uh- Foo-koo-dough-me. Then, we got the big kid, Soto, and then Edmonds, DeRosa, and Dempster on the mound.

SANTO: Well, keep up the great work, Lou. Let’s go get three in a row.

PINIELLA: Well, I’d sure like to do that.

SANTO: That was Lou Piniella, the fine manager of the Chicago Cubs. We’ll be right back on Cubs WGN Radio 720 Cubs Central Pregame Radio 720.

A PHONE RINGS. CLICK.

SANTO: Hello? Is this. Seattle Sutton?

SEATTLE SUTTON: Yes. Is this my good friend (shuffles around paper) Ron Santa- Santo?

SANTO: Is this the same Seattle. Sutton whose New York? Cheesecake put me in a diabetic coma?

SUTTON: …

SANTO: I almost. Died, you stupid. Bitch?

SUTTON: You should have tried my Acapulco Taco Hair Pie.

SANTO: That sounds. Awful? Hey, if you’re an expert. Why are you sort of a fatass?

CLICK. DIALTONE.

SANTO: Well, we’re back, and I’m here with the backup second base MAN of the Chicago Cubs, Mike Fontenot. Thanks for coming in, Mike, how much do you weigh?

MIKE FONTENOT: I would say about 145 pounds, Ron.

SANTO: Really? I would have said 120, tops. Were you wearing clothes when you weighed yourself?

FONTENOT: Yes, Ron.

SANTO: Mike, you used to be a starter back in college, and now you’re not a starter, because you’re not as good as Mark DeRosa. What do you think about that?

FONTENOT: Well, Ron, I’m happy to be here and be a part of this team, and let Zambrano pound me into the ground like a nail, and basically do whatever Lou needs me to do.

SANTO: What would you do if Lou asked you to clean the drain in the shower room with your tongue?

FONTENOT: I guess if he really needed me to, I might.

SANTO: That’s what I really like about you, is that you’re a team player.

FONTENOT: Thanks, Ronnie.

SANTO: Good luck for the rest of the season, big boy.

PROVUS: Just a reminder that anyone able to sit with Ron Santo for an entire interview is rewarded with a $100 gift certificate to Walgreen’s. They can use that to buy anything from K-Y Touch Massage Warming Gel to peanut butter M&Ms. Have a great call tonight, Ronnie.

SANTO: Thanks, Andy- Cory.

PROVUS: That’s it for Cubs Central Pregame, and now we take you to the call with Pat and Ron. Take it away, fellas.

TO BE SUNG IN A SOUTHERN TWANG
Take me out to the bawl-game.
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some pea-nut and Cracker Jack.
I don’t care if I never come back.
Gonna root for the Cub-bies.
If they don’t wee-yin, it’s a shame.
‘Cuz it’s one, two, three strikes yer out,
At the oooooold bawl-game!”

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to Hire Jim Essian to get future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Powered by Wordpress | WP Premium theme by WP Remix
Copyright 2007. Hire Jim Essian!. All rights reserved

• Home
• HJE Shoutbox
• HJE Shop
• The B126
• The T79
• Testimonials