Eat Shit, Lasorda
As you all know, hardly anything ever pisses me off. Certainly the fat, old, lovable, self-proclaimed “ambassador of baseball” couldn’t do so on a night that found the Cubs cleanly beating the Dodgers by a 3-1 score. Well, he did. Everyone’s so in love with the doddering old fool, that no one is willing to say it. Lasorda is an arrogant shithead.
The only thing bad about the Cubs’ lengthy three-run seventh inning last night was Lasorda’s agonizingly long and obnoxious interview with Len Kasper and Bob Brenly. In another strong case for the elimination of the pointless and terrible Celebrity Seventh Inning Stretch, Lasorda created more awkward moments than your average Wes Anderson script.
Lasorda got off to a bad start. He barely made it to the booth on time, with Len suggesting to Bob that he might have to sing the stretch if Lasorda didn’t show up. Way to be respectful of the traditions (no matter how lame) of Wrigley Field, you old codger. After telling everyone in Wrigley Field to “Root! Root! Root for the Dodgers!” during the seventh inning stretch (I hope Harry’s ghost puts his ghostly pubes on Lasorda’s toothbrush tonight), Lasorda sat down with poor Len and Bob for one of the worst interviews since Kellie Pickler Apple Jacked her way into the hearts and groins of male Cubs fans everywhere.
Not even a minute into the interview, Len jokingly offered Lasorda his stocking hat, a gaudy red-and-blue Cubs number. Lasorda, without cracking a smile or trying to humor Len at all, said, “No, I can’t wear that.” I respect the longtime Dodger’s reluctance to don a Cubs hat, and that’s fine. I do have an issue with being a doucheloaf about it. Would it have killed the guy (please) to just laugh it off instead of creating an uncomfortable moment that set the tone for the rest of the interview?
Later in the inning, Ryan Theriot came up with Ronnie Cedeno on first and the Cubs trailing. Theriot tried to lay down a bunt, put too much on it, and Cedeno was thrown out at second. Now, Theriot is a fine bunter. Sometimes, he’s so good at bunting, he can take a full swing and the ball dribbles right in front of the plate for a perfect bunt. Because Lasorda saw exactly one of Theriot’s at-bats, he immediately assumed that Theriot can’t get down a bunt, and said “If you can’t but, that’s a disgrace,” causing Bob to quickly have to come up with the lame question, “Are there any plans for Dodgertown?” He wanted to add, “Wouldn’t you like to go there right now?”
Lasorda’s brilliant “insight” into the game consisted of basically one thing. Whether or not the guy on first was going to run with a full count. “I’d run him. I’d run him,” said Lasorda, with Alfonso Soriano at the plate and Theriot on first. Sorry. I don’t listen to the advice of a grown man in diapers. Lasorda later came up with this gem: “That’s the way this game is. This guy is praying for one thing, and this guy over here is praying for something else.” Outstanding insight. And how does anyone get to the Major Leagues, Tommy? Simple. “By working.” Ohhhhhhhh…
Soon, the interview turned into an apparent reading of Lasorda’s Hall of Fame plaque. After a Cub run scored to tie the game, Lasorda said, “You know something? I scored a run one time in a situation like that when I coached third base. When that guy threw that ball into 2nd base, I kept this guy coming. As soon as I saw him in the direction he was gonna throw the ball, I had him coming. And Gene Mauch, said the next day in the paper, he said, ‘That was outstanding coaching for that guy to do that.’” Who in the hell brags about coaching third base? Christ, even Al Bundy had better stories than waving a guy around third base.
As the inning dragged on into eternity, the Tommy Lasorda show continued. Lasorda was sure to point out that only two managers in the National League were able to win pennants in their first two seasons in the game. Guess who was one of those guys? In Lasorda’s words, “That’s amazing.”
Moments later, with Alfonso Soriano on first base, Lasorda actually asked who the guy was on first base? Him? Oh, that’s Alfonso Soriano. Maybe you’re heard of him. He signed a pretty big contract before the 2007 season. He was traded for arguably the best player in baseball. He hit like Jesus for two weeks earlier this month. Then, Lasorda asked Brenly if Soriano can run. Hilariously, Brenly said, “Sometimes.”
But Lasorda isn’t just a brilliant manager, third base coach, and broadcaster. He’s also a fantastic scout, apparently! You might have heard of a guy named Mike Piazza. Did you know that Lasorda insisted–yes, insisted that the Dodgers take Piazza. Not to mention all those other players Lasorda discovered, like–oh, who was that guy?
Lasorda is also a fantastic mentor of managers. Did you know at one point there were seven–yes, SEVEN managers in baseball at one time who had once played under Lasorda? He made sure to mention that Dusty Baker was one of them. I’d keep that one under your hat, Tommy.
Not content in tooting his own horn, Lasorda forced Len to help him out. Lasorda at one point mentioned that there are sixteen Hall of Fame managers, and only one was a pitcher, forcing Len to say, “And he’s sitting right next to us. Tommy Lasorda.” Self-aggrandizing shithead.
Lasorda’s “F” in preparation continued. Later in the inning, Lasorda talked about “the reliever last night” that “has a good arm.” That would be Bob Howry. He just played last night against your team. He’s been in the league for eleven years. You do watch baseball games sometimes, right?
Lasorda also couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that players ACTUALLY GET DAYS OFF. It’s not possible, apparently, that managers insist that their players take a day off. In Tommy’s mind, any time a guy gets a day off, he must have ASKED for a day off. Would this be a good time to mention that, in his playing career, Lasorda was a shitty pitcher? If I were Aramis Ramirez or Derrek Lee, I’d have a hard time swallowing the fact that a guy who threw a whopping 58.3 innings in three Major League seasons had the nerve to suggest that I wasn’t tough enough to play baseball.
Moments later, that lazy fucker Aramis Ramirez fouled off a bunch of pitches from reliever Jonathan Broxton before finally lining a 3-2 pitch into center field to give the Cubs the lead. Lasorda pulled a Santo, and loudly proclaimed, “Geez!” He immediately apologized for it, like it was such a spur-of-the-moment comment. I counted. It was seven seconds between the time Aramis lined the ball into the center and the time that Lasorda moaned about it. Too bad he couldn’t contain that spontaneous exclamation.
Lasorda then took his shot at trying to be quote-worthy. “There’s only one thing certain in baseball, and that is nothing is certain.” Brilliant. I’m sure it’s lines like that which got Tommy the Slim-Fast commercial.
With two outs and the Cubs trying to put the game away, Kosuke Fukudome came to the plate. The Dodgers are pretty well-known for their acceptance of Asian players, right? Not Tommy Pasta! After Lasorda giggled about Fukudome’s stance, he said, “That’s the way they all hit.” Yes. All Asian people hit exactly the same way. Which might be how they are able to line doubles past your third baseman to give the Cubs a 3-1 lead. You old pud.
Finally, Jim Edmonds did the best thing he’s done as a Cub. He grounded into a 4-3 putout to end the bottom of the seventh and send Lasorda away. Hopefully forever.
Can we please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stop with the goddamn Celebrity Seventh Inning Stretch? It’s agonizing, and it’s no longer an honor to Harry. It’s a joke, and twits like Lasorda are the reason it’s become so.
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Comments
IAN “I hope Harry’s ghost puts his ghostly pubes on Lasorda’s toothbrush tonight.”
You’re assuming Lasorda brushes his teeth, and that said teeth wouldn’t be faux.
morpheus “Later in the inning, Ryan Theriot came up with Ronnie Cedeno on first and the Cubs trailing. Theriot tried to lay down a bunt, put too much on it, and Cedeno was thrown out at second. Now, Cedeno is a fine bunter. Sometimes, he’s so good at bunting, he can take a full swing and the ball dribbles right in front of the plate for a perfect bunt.”
You mean Theriot?
Ned Ryerson Wow. He insisted they draft Piazza, eh. His foresight must be unmatched as he clearly saw the undeniable talent and Hall of Fame potential. Yet, he waited until the 62nd round to insist the Dodgers pull the trigger. I’d love to see the list of the other 61 guys they drafted before he demanded they take Piazza. If he knew that Piazza was going to be this good, those other 61 guys he allowed to be drafted in front of him must be a roll call of hall of fame players…
domer.mq Lasorda once recommended Sbarro’s for “great pizza in New York City.”
That F’er.
djwoody If the Cubs could continue to rally to win the game, fat ass Tommy can sit in the booth EVERY 7th inning. And ghost Harry would have to spit in Tommy’s denture cup…the one with floating pasta flavor crystals.
Andy I liked how Tommy bragged about his 58 years of marriage. Well done, Tom.
http://sportsbybrooks.com/date/2007/02/27
Bad Kermit It’s easy to stay married when you can have kinky sex with other women. So I’ve heard.
Irish Yeti Didn’t get a chance to listen to that. It’s a shame. It would have been great entertainment because he sounded like one cocky-ass bastard. I never liked the Dodgers anyway
Ron Santo Hey Tommy, why don’t you have a slim fast shake and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Jeez, it’s freakin’ torture to hear that fat
pasta eating, slim fast drinking, baseball bunch pedo go on about how great he is and the wonderful and brilliant things he has done for baseball.
Reuschel's Jowls You have to admit, listening to Lasorda being forced to sit through his team coughing up the lead while sitting in the Cubs’ broadcast booth was pretty damned funny. You can tell the old red-ass probably kicked over a chair on his way out of the press box.
True story… there used to be a bar over near Southport (blanking on the name right now). There’s an old, framed letter next to the bar that the owner wrote to Lasorda, thanking him for helping to provide some autographed baseball swag for a charity event he ran when Lasorda was still managing. The letter closes with, “in gratitude, please find a blank check for $100, to donate to your favorite charity,” or something thereabouts.
Below the letter is the canceled check. The favorite charity in the “Pay to the Order of” line? Tommy Lasorda.
Slaky It was deserved rage. Lasorda is such a fucking pinheaded tard. Someone should have smothered his ancient face with a pillow made of dicks.
Fro Dog I listened to the game last night on the radio and after the inning ended, Pat told him thank you for stopping by and have fun singing. Then the fat fuck went on for another two minutes about how Ron should be in the hall of fame which is fine for a few seconds but a whole two minutes when they need a commerical break is absurd.
It would of been funny just to cut out his mic to go to commercial.
Jon Someone should have smothered his ancient face with a pillow made of dicks.
This is the truest statement ever made by anyone, ever.
Cap'n Obvious The ESPN broadcast wasn’t much better, incidentally. Sutcliffe was mildly insightful, but the tired ramblings of Chris Berman are absolutely painful. I’d rather watch a WGN broadcast from a dentists chair than sit through 3 hours of Berman’s washed up, overrated act. Hard to imagine a booth large enough to accomodate Len, Bob, Lasorda’s ego, and his large pasta-eating ass.
Mark Giangreco Roman Wrestler Well the other 61 guys didn’t hang out in Venice Beach with bodybuilders pumping themselves full of roids when they weren’t pumping each other. And yes, the story goes Lasorda drafted Piazza as a favor since he was his godfather.
JackB I agree BK. The 7th inning stretch must die. It was a nice tribute to Harry when it started, but it’s degenerated into complete farce. Either you have idiots like Kellie Pickler, Jeff Gordon, or Ozzy Osbourne who have no clue what the tradition is all about, people who are just there to shill their latest book, movie, CD, concert, etc, or we’re getting guys associated with opposing teams. Now I like Bob Uecker. He handles his 7th inning stretch in a classy way and respects the Cub fans without looking like a complete douche to his own fans. But still, it just doesn’t feel right. Lasorda was just awful. I’ve said it before, if you’re going to insist on doing the stretch, let Santo do it. He’s the only current Cubs broadcaster who’s got the cred with the fans to do it every day. To give Ronnie a break from time to time, get ex-Cubs or celebrities who are at least Cub fans and understand what’s going on. We’re talking Bill Murray, Bonnie Hunt, William Peterson, folks like that who are there for more than just to tout their latest project. When they do the local college/high school teams, that’s no so bad, either. At least it’s gotta be exciting for some of those kids. But Holy Christ, no more celebrities who have no clue about the Cubs or baseball and no more people associated with other franchises. Shit, let’s get the ‘69 Mets to sing next. Santo’d have a fucking coronary. But that’s where it’s going. Quit while you’re ahead.
Lou Your perception of that 7th inning interview is incredibly off. But that’s what this blog is pretty much all about, so alright. Here goes.
I’m guessing you’ve never talked to someone 80 years old or older, or you’d know that they’re all arrogant shitheads. They just don’t realize it because (you guessed it) they’re freaking 80 years old. Guess what gets their juices slowly flowing? Talking about the best times of their lives and crap that makes them proud and happy. Good for them, and good for Lasorda. His legacy kicks the hell out of yours or mine.
He barely made it to the booth on time because someone probably stopped him outside of the radio booth between interviews and asked him a question. Or God forbid he had to take a leak. Do you know how many leaks you’re going to take when you’re 80? I don’t either, because your cell phone is going to kill your brain the next time you wave to the WGN America camera during a game.
And yes, call out Lasorda for respecting the very same tradition that you act like you want to get rid of. That’s perfect irony! Horray and thank you.
Also, how can blame Lasorda for answering the questions and making conversations with Len and Bob? They asked him about Dodgertown, so he talked about it. Oh yeah, and he’s 80, so it excites him to talk about it, and you might miss Len’s call of a 1-1 slider for a ball. Eat a week old scone. And the comment he made about not wearing the hat? Fuck you for even mentioning that. He obviously didn’t get that it was a joke. I would have thought that you’d be singing his praises for being succinct in his reply. Forgive him for not taking the bait to talk about the weather for 2 minutes, which is why Len asked in the first place.
You think you’ll ever have seven people working under you, let alone 7 people that end up managing between 25-40 grown men on average every year?
And it is a disgrace to not be able to bunt.
It’s also a disgrace to call out a Hall-of-Famer for no reason other than you’re an arrogant shithead with a lack of perception so complete that you don’t even need to eat breakfast. I don’t even like Lasorda. And my submission of this comment makes me an arrogant shithead, so we’re all even.
T-Bone I don’t care about Lasorda either way, but to second the thought above, Santo must be just as annoying to non-Cubs fans, and he’s 12 years younger. At least Lasorda didn’t forget to hit his cough button and then yell “DAMN-JEESH!!!” when the Cubs took the lead.
JayBandit Perhaps it was the baseball gods…but, when I was watching the game on the Comcast feed last night via satellite, it got messed up nearly immediately after Lasorda made that awkward answer to wearing the ugly hat. I thought it had to do with the thunderstorms that were supposed to occur here in Pittsburgh, but when I flipped on ESPN 5 minutes later, everything was fine. Thank God for that fuzzy satellite picture, so I didn’t have to see that senile old codger ramble on for that inning.
IAN No, Lasorda really IS an arrogant shithead. Stay classy, and thanks for stopping by. But, mostly stay classy.
Mike D. What the hell.
Are you Tommy Lasorda’s grandson? Or are you just hoping Tommy’ll do one of your little Podcasts and you don’t want to piss him off? Let me guess-you’re shooting for the WGN crowd. Hi ho, call up Roy Leonard, this man will NOT abide by the trashing of Tommy Fucking Lasorda. Good for you, tool.
Reuschel's Jowls I have no problem with celebrity *Cub fans* singing the stretch. There are enough honest-to-God famous Cub fans out there that are clearly honored by being asked to sing, and have requested to do so again and again (Murray, Eddie Vedder, William Petersen, John Cusack, etc.) that the tradition can live on. I also love it when they bring out the former Cubs player you haven’t seen in 20 years or so (Hey, look! Steve Trout!). Other Chicago sports stars? Fine. Give the Blackhawks and Bears some love, too.
Beyond that, I suppose various former baseball stars is the lesser of the remaining evils (even if it produces awkward spectacles like last night’s interview with Lasorda). But could we stop with the nonsense of expecting people on the opposing team’s payroll to get up and sing anything other than their team’s name?
But I agree… the random celebrity with no connections to the city and team, simply in town on tour or there to pump their latest project has got to freakin’ stop. Of this group, the country-singer-that-just-played-Tinley-Park is the most annoying to me. Red-staters talk nothing but shit about places like Chicago non-stop, on stage and in their lyrics, and then they want us to just sing along with them when they show up, forgetting all that stuff about us city-dwellers not being “real ‘merkans?” Screw that. Go sing at a Nashville NightDogs game, Billy Ray…
IAN I say stop with the randomness and let Marisa Miller and her subsequent female offspring do it for all eternity.
Brick And yes, call out Lasorda for respecting the very same tradition that you act like you want to get rid of. That’s perfect irony!
You should probably not use words like “irony” until you’re positive you understand them.
Lou I’m not his grandson, or his godbaby. But please, don’t let this stop you from kicking the cane out from under the slowly moving old guy in front of you in the line to buy tickets for Leatherheads tonight. You can avoid that line by buying tickets online. I’m just here to help.
Bad Kermit I’m not his grandson, or his godbaby.
Of course you’re not. If you were, he would have demanded the Dodgers draft you and taken loads of credit for it.
Lou I knew I had something to do today that wasn’t this, but thanks for the reminder. [img]http://cubscast.com/images/mostinsultingtolasorda.gif[/img]
RV “It’s also a disgrace to call out a Hall-of-Famer for no reason other than you’re an arrogant shithead with a lack of perception so complete that you don’t even need to eat breakfast.”
- Do you think that being voted into the Hall of Fame exempts someone from being called out as an arrogant asshole? I contend that you’ll actually find a higher number of insufferable douches in the Hall of Fame than you will among an equal number of Joe Sixpacks.
- What does the breakfast comment even mean? Does eating breakfast provide one with extra powers of perception? Wouldn’t that mean that Bad Kermit should, in fact, eat more breakfast, if he is the dolt that you say he is? Or does someone with a complete lack of perception not realize that they need to eat breakfast, or other meals for that matter? If this is the case, wouldn’t Bad Kermit have starved to death many moons ago?
Tuna I heard all of Lasorda’s “interview” and it was absolutely abysmal. Every time he yammered “I’d run him…I’d run him”, I wanted to smear his face in the soiled Depends he was sporting hoping he’d learn not to say another damn word.
Brick Nuts, I was just bitchy to Lou from Cubscast? I like Cubscast.
There’s probably some irony in here that I’ve fallen victim to.
StPatrick Nashville Sounds, thank you.
Besides that, Reusch, not bad. Although trying to play “who’s the bigger asshole?” is kind of splitting hairs here.
Lou I think I now understand what irony is, so I’m going to use it in this sentence. I just disagreed with the post, that’s all. Lasorda might be arrogant, but the ammo that Kermit used to shoot holes through him just wasn’t there in that interview. Lasorda is an old man now, too, and so he has a bunch of mannerisms that people his age tend to have. So to sit around and call him all the stuff that he’s been called on this thread is like calling your own grandpa all that stuff for talking to you for 10 minutes about puzzles. Which I actually had happen over the holiday weekend, and which is probably why the post pissed me off more than anything.
Lou Start eating breakfast and you’ll find out. It’s good for you. Book your Leatherheads tickets online, too. It’s so much easier and more convenient than standing in lines.
JG Sut and Berman were playing the “I’d run him” game too. Although whenever Berman would give an “Edmonds was great!!!!” line, Sut would come back with some version of “WAS, not IS, [you douchebag].”
Then, in the 8th, Berman broke out the entirely predictable “Hu’s on First” routine. Ugh.
Lou Did Soto’s screaming liner land in Winnetka? I obviously caught Lasorda Vision instead of ESPN, but did he mention any suburbs? I bet I could throw a dart at this thread and easily hit somebody that lives in Park Ridge.
TDubbs Are you George Clooney? You keep pushing Leatherheads on us. We only enjoy such movies as PS I Love You and 10 Things I Hate About You.
Tommy Lasorda is a fat, old, piece of monkey shit. If I wanted to listen to somebody like that, I’d call up my old man, tell him to talk to me about fat chicks and how banging them is great. Other than that, they should have just thrown him over the damn side of the booth and called it a night. It’s not like he would have died or anything b/c he’d have his size 46 wearing ass to land on.
As for the whole breakfast thing, it all depends on what you eat for breakfast. If you eat something sugary, that’s not good. Eat some whole grains, like oatmeal or a healthy Kashi bowl of cereal with skim milk. It’s terrific.
Oh yeah, and Lou. .. . go fuck yourself.
al I agree with the ending of the celebrity 7th inning stretch. Have Dutchie sing the final one then after that just play a recording of Harry or just use the organ for it.
Bad Kermit Boo fucking hoo. My grandfather is currently dying of colon cancer, has to wear a catheter, and can barely walk without falling down. You know what he CAN still do? Not act like an arrogant, condescending shithead like Lasorda and, quite frankly, you. Sorry I was so insensitive to your puzzle-doing grandfather. At least yours can get out of fucking bed by himself to DO a puzzle, and still remembers on a consistent basis who the hell you are.
And if your grandfather spent 10 minutes bragging about how he was the greatest puzzle player of all time, then I got news for you. He’s as big a shithead as Lasorda is.
ChuckDickens I totally agree with Lou. He’s old. Give him a break.
Besides, if you’re going to be outraged at anything, it should be his short-lived, non-nude septuagenarian modeling career.
[img]http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/8506/lasordaop7.png[/img]
Lou Why do the threads on this site always devolve into a “my relatives have more cancer than yours” battle? It’s puzzling.
Bad Kermit The ones on your site probably would, too, if you had more than “No Comments” per post.
Penguin Tommy is the dark mirror of Santo: an aging basball lifer whose growing senility has become abrasive and uncomfortable instead of lighthearted and endearing.
I love the memory of Tommy Lasorda from my years spent growing up as a Dodger fan in the 80s (his interviews and press conferences during the 88 postseason are classic), but seeing him today is a sad reminder that nothing lasts forever.
Fork How can you call Kermit out for arrogance when you bill your site as “best” Cubs Podcast?
You, sir, have the distinct aura of douchebaggery.
djwoody This is great stuff. Tommy Lasorda into babbling puzzle loving grandfathers into Ron Santo and Leatherheads. LMFAO! All this and the Cubs are in first place on May 29th. Life is good.
Slaky I hope Tommy Lasorda falls off the shitter into a pool of acid.
Since when is it ok to be an arrogant fuckstain as long as you’re old? Run toward the light Tommy.
BigFlax Have you seen his blog entry where he recommends restaurants in NL cities? FJM made fun of it once. He suggests fully three separate ESPN Zones, including the following hilarious comment on the one in DC: “Just like the one in Downtown Disney, and Atlanta, but with a Capitol flair.” What a dope.
BigFlax Yeah, every time they reach out and have guys primarily associated with opposing teams do it, it drives me up a wall. I’d rather have them do a random fan drawing and just let anyone from the bleachers take the mic.
BigFlax I have to say that the constant feuds between various Cubs sites are as entertaining as they are awkward. Are there any two Cubs blogs/sites that like each other?
Booze, broads, and bullshit Lou’s comment and list of replies should simply be put into the next post. Truly. Unbelievable. Thread.
Welp, im off to go see leatherheads and kick some canes!
Lou It’s all in good fun, BigFlax. There’s no feud, I just disagreed with this post, as others have on this thread as well.
Lou It is the best Cubs podcast, that’s why it’s billed that way. 3 of 10 bullpen catchers concur.
ChuckDickens I don’t actually agree with you. In fact, I’m all for smacking Lasorda in the face with a dick pillow or whatever.
A little bit for last night, but mostly because Tommy shunned his gay son after he contracted AIDS. Lasorda insists to this day that it was cancer that killed him. That means he’s likely a homophobe, so a nice solid smacking with a dick pillow would really freak him out.
Lasorda is a tool.
I’m extremely glad I watched the ESPN broadcast last night.