In my haste to make fun of all the ass-kissing idiots posting on Mark DeRosa’s blog, I completely missed his post in which he explains the new name of his blog. “The Pulse.” That’s right. All of the idiotic suggestions spit out by the people reading his blog were rejected, and he went with a name which is either a blog title or an all-male revue.

What followed was about the most unexpected blog entry I’ve read in some time.

Thanks for all the suggestions for a blog title. It’s now “The Pulse,” which is something my teammates have called me for the last two years.

Everything goes through me. My teammates know it. The fans see the superstars and all this stuff. I’m the glue, baby. I’m the guy who floats from the No. 1 man to the 25th man. I’m somewhere in the 15, 13 range. I’m the bell curve.

Hold on a second, there, Mark. When did you turn into a total douche? Were you doing Irish car bombs with your buddies and flicking each other’s balls when you wrote this? Did you keep yelling to everyone within earshot, “Red Bull and vodka is MONEY, baby. MONEY!!!” Did you lean over to Bobby Howry and say, “That chick in the corner is totally checking out my rod.” Were you wearing sunglasses at 3:00 a.m.? Did you keep buying rounds for everyone in the bar, yelling, “It’s on me! It’s on me! My grandma died, so I came into some money!” When the night got late, did you start confessing your love for all your friends and crying? Do you have a nipple piercing and/or a tribal tattoo?

Someone could have called him out in the comments section. Instead, they went with ass-kissery.

Congrats on the new blog name, Mark. Middle of the bell curve, though? Oh, now. I tell everybody I know that Mark DeRosa is the MVP of the Cubs, bar none.

Hey, when are we gonna see you behind the plate, or even throw an inning or two?

Just as soon as you take a ball-peen hammer to your own skull. Let me know when you’re done.

This is going to seem like a wierd question but do you remember from college someone by the name of Sean Turner? He is my cousin and remembers you from college (you played ball together)?

Really? He remembers a guy on his own college baseball team who went on to play in the Major Leagues? I’m shocked. I remember the name of the guy who fed me my first 40 of Mickey’s, and I was so drunk I pissed in a laundry hamper, so let’s not give Sean Turner too much credit.

Mark, promise us if we win the Wold Series that you will write a book about your Cubbie experience thoughout the season (Even if it’s a short one). I rarely read anything except news, but this blog of yours has me glued. It’s like nothing I’ve read before. Getting the inside perspective from an actualy player is absolutely intriguing.

Have you ever read, well, ANYTHING before? The instruction manual for my universal remote was a more interesting read.

…have you considered a coaching career after your playing days? Baseball needs your leadership far into the future.

Quite honestly, I’m not sure how baseball has survived more than a century and a half WITHOUT Mark DeRosa.

D-ro. You’re not somewhere in the middle. In my opinion you’re one of the top 3 on the team.

Top three what? Top three second basemen? That’s debatable.

I wish I had an ounce of the talent you have…can you bottle some and send it? I could use something for beer league.

Hmm. I wonder what sort of liquid that comes in bottles would go well with a beer league…

Nice Blog, It is refreshing to hear straight talk, and not a bunch of overhyped crap.

What?! That was nothing BUT overhyped crap!

Mark,

I believe.

Another thing you do is “suck.”

Anyways, keep up the awesome work, bro.

See you back at the frat house. T-Bomb and D-House scored a cube of Natty Light. We’re going to see how many beer bongs we can do in fifteen minutes, and then we’re going to watch Can’t Hardly Wait.

Oh; just thought Id let you know that my Dear Old 84 year old Mother has a huge crush on you and would really be ticked off if they traded you anytime in the near future.

So, if you ever get sick of your hot wife and want to get with a chick with no teeth and a receding hairline…

Hi Mr. Mark Derosa! How are you? I really like the name of your blog. “The Pulse”. So cool. So…now to baseball. Today’s game I thought was very high scoring…which was strange and normal. Partly because the wind was blowing straight in part of the game, and it was also blowing out part of it. Isn’t Mr. Sorriano really hitting the ball amazing? 2 home runs in 1 days! That is really awesome! So If Mr. Sorriano is reading this, I congratulate him. If you are reading this also Mr. Derosa, I think you had a great game today.
So congrats sir! I hope to see you soon!

Cubbyfanjohn

Please be four years old.

Good man on good cause actions! When I come to Wrigley in August teach this Long Island # 1 Cub fan the winning game jump! The world will learn it in October.

ALL YOUR BASEBALL ARE BELONG TO US.

Hey Mark, its Bart. I dont know if you remember me from the Sports Authority signing last night, I was with my girlfriend Katie…the one that almost passed out when you took a picture with her. Thank you so much. I have never seen her that happy.

TRANSLATION: Bart wore the #7 jersey to bed and got his wiener ROCKED.

BTW… I got a few good pictures of you at bat and warming up on 5/14 against San Diego. If interested, I could get them to you.

Leave $1,000 in unmarked, non-consecutive fives in the RedEye bin across the street from Wrigley at 2:45 tomorrow morning. When you do, go into the third freezer from the right in the back of the 7-11. You will find the pictures and negatives. COME ALONE.

…speaking of bell curves…

At the age of 42 I decided to - just for fun - take a 100-level course in molecular & cellular biology (intro to human physiology) with a bunch of pre-med kids half my age.

You sound like an absolute BLAST to hang around with. What else do you do for fun? Hand wash the dishes? Mow the lawn? Watch fishing? Or do you just read and comment on The Pulse?

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