Rick, Rick, Rick.

Look. I understand you’re supposed to write what your editor wants you to write. Actually, I don’t know that at all. I’ve never spent a day at a news desk. Shoot, I’ve never even taken a journalism class. I just know that the common defense for a columnist’s idiotic ham-handed pseudo-hype that passes for a column has always seemed to have been “he’s writing what his editor wants him to write” in which case you’re told to hype the shit out of some early-season series in May that coincidentally happens to be against Arizona. If so, then it sucks to be you.

But maybe that’s not true. Maybe you have complete freedom to write whatever you want to write, like the peanut-gallery douchebags like me do. If that is the case, then good god man. You’re a bigger hack than I feared. This steaming pile that you wrote last Friday, prior to a three-game series in early May? Simply hack-tastic.

After the Cubs swept a three-game series against the lowly Pirates by a combined score of 29-9, I managed to find clouds in a perfectly clear sky. You have come to expect that from me.

Who are you? Oh I’m sorry, that schlong-nosed doofus in the Tribune.

“In the baseball standings, one victory weighs the same as another,” I wrote April 21. “But degree of difficulty has its place.”

Wow. You actually did the link thingy too! Good for you, Rick, although I should tell you that the link didn’t open in a new window, and I found myself suddenly trapped in dementia hell, away from your source article. I think Phil Rogers offered to give me a “Plus 1″ whatever the hell that is, but it took me a bit to make it back to the original piece.

Also, you do realize that the cavepeople you’re still catering to, if you hope to bring them here on to the intertubes, might not be so sharp with the right-click, “Open in New Window” choice, don’t you? Seriously, Rick–try not make it so hard for them. They’ll likely be your only readers by 2012.

The thing about your earlier article, though, where you reminded everyone to not go so crazy after sweeping the Pirates (while also mentioning the “It’s Gonna Happen” douchebaggery in your 4th paragraph), is that by the time your drek from this past Friday showed up, the evidence didn’t quite actually support what your point had been then. To wit:

April 21, 2008

We’re going to get a much better measure of this club when the Mets come to town Monday for a two-game series, followed by a Cubs trip to Colorado for two games against the defending National League champion Rockies. And the hard-hitting Brewers come back to Chicago at the end of the month.

Fair enough. Of course, the Cubs did sweep the Mets, split with the Rocks, and came one Kerry Wood blown save (which I’m really starting to think we’re not going to see for a while now) from taking 2 of 3 from the Brewers. It was actually the Nationals and Reds and Cardinals–none of whom the world-weary Rick saw fit to warn us about–who funked things up for the Cubs.

But even if the Cubs had reversed roles; even if they had, say, recorded the same 7-9 mark in this stretch but instead went 4-3 against the Cards, Reds, and Nationals and 3-6 against the Mets, Brewers and Rockies, would that have mattered? Well it shouldn’t have. What would be worrisome is that Cubs had gone 7-9, not a good trend regardless of whom you’re playing.

The point here, like I tried pointing out last week, is that baseball is a long season and baseball writing should accord it the perspective it deserves. Rick may have seen himself as the calm voice of reason when the Cubs were 14-6, but he does it in a way that seems to ignore the typical ups and downs that occur during the season. They were due to regress a bit, so it should not have been a surprise–although certainly no less disappointing–when the Cubs went into a funk. But Rick is so going-out-on-a-limb crazy that he actually picks the three teams who spell DOOM, and as it turns out, those three teams were not the problem. But that doesn’t stop Rick.

That was in anticipation of what was to come, when the upcoming schedule included some much tougher opponents. Some of us wanted to see what the Cubs would do against teams with a little more substance. We got our answer.

Like I said, using your three examples of “some much tougher opponents”, that answer would be 4-3.

After winning two games against the Mets, the Cubs went 5-9.

Okay, they swept the Mets. Beat the holy hell out of them, too. Your earlier article was written mostly with the Mets in mind, as they had rolled into town in the heels of the Cubs sweep of Pittsburgh.

They have lost four straight series against the Nationals, the Brewers, the Cardinals and, most recently, the Reds. It hadn’t occurred to me that beating Washington and Cincinnati would be like ascending Mt. Everest without bottled oxygen.

I know, right? Bad teams never jump up and beat good teams. Who could have thought that?

The Cardinals eventually will go away—everybody keeps saying that—but they still are atop the National League Central and are giving no indication they are about to fall to pieces. Every once in a while, you get the feeling the Cards won’t go away.

“”Everyone keeps saying that”. Well, it’s true, dumbass. And they’re “still” atop the NL Central? Ignore the fact that I’m writing this this two days afterwards, when that sentence is no longer true–the use of “still” on May 9th is ridiculous. It’s sort of out of the Chip Caray School of Baseball Coverage, where retiring the first six hitters of the game means a guy is having a GREAT outing. Why so breathless, Rick? Haven’t you followed a baseball season before?

Anyway, if you think the Cardinals have any staying power, you’re probably also blind from some Mississippi River moonshine. And that’s all I’m talking about with St. Louis.

The Cubs’ record is 19-15. They are 6-0 against Pittsburgh. I’ll leave the math to you. After that April column, I received more than a few e-mails from people informing me that the Pirates are a real, live major-league team, too, and that any kind of win is a win.

But if you want to be a big boy, you have to beat the big boys. Vegan sharks aren’t very frightening, unless you’re seaweed, or the Pirates.

When Penisnose wrote this, the Pirates were 15-19. Not great, but not shitty. Throw out their love-6 set with the Cubs, and they’re over .500 (since Rick’s pointless and wrong drivel on Friday, Pittsburgh has now extended their winning streak to 5 and are 17-19, but ths article deserves to be ridiculed from Friday’s perspective–the day it was written. In fact, it’s just as stupid from Friday’s perspective as it is from today’s. It’s stupid in any perspective, or any time or any dimension, for that matter. You could say this article–and its writer–is infinitely stupid.)

Also, it bears repeating that the Cubs actually fared okay with Rick’s “big boys”.

Which brings us to the Diamondbacks, who come to Wrigley Field on Friday for a three-game series. You might remember Arizona as the team that swept the Cubs in last year’s playoffs and reduced Ted Lilly to a glove-throwing incendiary device. He will take the hill Friday against Dan Haren, who is 4-1.

Honestly? It does not take a partisan to be surprised by what happened this weekend at Clark & Addison. Maybe the fact that the Cubs swept the Diamondbacks is surprising, but as well as Arizona has played up until now, and as lousy as the Cubs had been the prior two weeks, one could see the trends reverting a bit. That of course, is what happened as the D-Backs regressed offensively while things really clicked for the Cubs talented lineup for the first time since we were cautiously joy-popping around here.

Either way, teams cycle through different stretches. This series would have nothing to do with last October, nor does it have anything to do with what may happen this October. One team that was due to get hot played another team that was due to cool off.

But, oh no. Not in Rick Morissey’s grand, sweeping “everything is good or evil” biblically tremendous view. It simply cannot be so nuanced!

Does this series mean anything? Of course it does. It’s only early May, but at what point do you stop dismissing every series as unimportant? The Cubs need to do something to remind themselves they’re a good ballclub. Winning two of three against the Diamondbacks would go a long way in the recollection department.

Done. But you know what really nothers me, Rick? The fact that even if the Cubs didn’t take 2 of 3 like you commanded, or even if–god forbid–they got swept, the only effect this would have had for the Cubs would be some games in the standings. Seriously. I mean, sure we’d like for them to dominate. Speaking from Sunday’s perspective for a second, from where I’m enjoying the hell out of the Cubs having swept the D-Backs and presumably playig better ball, a sweep makes things easier for them down the road. But had they gotten swept, do you kow how many games out of first they would have been? 3. And if they crawled back into the playoffs and got to face Arizona again in the playoffs, this series–regardless of the outcome–would have nothing to do with it.

The Cubs also need to remind themselves they have huge goals this season.

Who the hell are you, Tony Goddamn Robbins?

What better route to self-awareness than through a good performance against the Diamondbacks, who are the best team in baseball right now?

“What better route to self-awareness“? How did I get from the Sports page to the Health and Wellness section?

Everything is amped up with the Cubs these days. I understand that. I plead guilty to playing into it.

You play into it? Cripes, Rick, talk about disingenuous. You are the guys who propel it, probably in the hopes that when the Cubs do win a World Series that you all can become like that douchebag Dan Shaughnessy and write about the experience in a book or something. In fact this whole article, as is my point, is all about hype, “amping up” for a 3 game set against a team from another division in early May.

By the way, I noticed that Rick has managed to write ten whole paragraphs about the 2008 Chicago Cubs and not mention that the franchise for whom these players play has not won a World Series in 100 years.

Fans, figuring that 100 years

Attaboy.

is enough, want a winner. The organization wants a winner. It’s not always a positive thing when a series in May feels like a referendum on a team’s ability and pride.

Which you, yourself, are the one dispensing with said referendum!

But here we are in Chicago, 2008.

Please don’t remind me that you live and work in the same city I do.

That’s life. Or, more aptly, that’s life and death.

What the… Did Rick just take some of Phil Roger’s “meandering aimlessly” pills?

So I’ll ask you the same question that raised your hackles after the first 18 games of the season: Do you truly know how good this team is?

I still don’t.

First. I don’t know who’s “hackles” you “raised” after–as you cite–eighteen whole games, but I’ll say the same to you know after 37 games:

Of course I don’t know how good this team is. It’s not even the fucking middle of May! Why is it so important for you to have a concise and clear defintion of a club with just over 20% of their season completed?

I see a team that is wildly inconsistent, with much of the inconsistency caused by a very, very murky rotation.

Since the interest of fairness compels me to dismiss this crap from Friday morning’s perspective, I can’t use the just-completed sweep of the Diamondbacks to prove how off Rick was, but even on Friday morning, there were only six teams in major-league baseball who had a better record than the Cubs. If only the Cubs could always be so inconsistent.

It’s true that the rotation may be murky, though. Yay! Rick said something that was not shrouded in idiocy.

Carlos Zambrano finally is pitching to his considerable talent. Ryan Dempster, moved from the closer role to a starter, has been a very pleasant surprise. No, check that. He has been a revelation.

But unless Zambrano and Dempster turn out to be Randy Johnson- Curt Schilling circa 2001

This is just lazy. And so stupid it’s generating it’s own heat.

the Cubs are going to have a hard time winning like this. You cannot look at Lilly, Jason Marquis and Jon Lieber and be anything other than frightened right now. And that’s even with Lilly pitching well of late!

Again, fair warning. Especially from Friday morning’s perspective. Look, ma! Rick Morrisey’s making some good points.

Manager Lou Piniella is sticking with the struggling Alfonso Soriano in the leadoff spot.

Again with the leadoff spot, Rick? Don’t you ever find anything new and interesting to write about?

I don’t think Soriano has incriminating photos of Piniella. I think he has IMAX movies of him. Soriano needs to be somewhere in the order where his poor batting average isn’t such a huge issue for the club and where his power might actually help.

Okay, I know it’s not fair to do this, as this article was written on Friday. I’ll just say that Sunday Mike wants to tell Friday Rick to shove it up his nose with Soriano’s pink bat.

While we’re talking about concerns, the team’s defense has been pretty shoddy too.

So this would be a really good time for the Cubs to attain some peace of mind for themselves and their devoted followers. There has been so much head-scratching in town regarding this team, you would think you were at a calculus class for English majors.

This is torture. How long are these articles?

I think the Cubs can be a very good team. I believe they will win their division. I just would like to see a few more shafts of light amid the cloudy skies.

Why the hell does Rick Morissey feel so entitled to see so many “shafts of light” by mid-May? Who the hell does he think his is, anyway? This team has been mostly good, and that’s rare enough for the Cubs. But Rick “Every Game Is Game 7 of the World Series” Morrisey needs his “shafts of light” every day.

You know what, Rick? I’ve got some shaft for you right here.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 1:51 am and is filed under Broadcasters & Journalists, Cubs, The NL Central.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.