My, oh, my. I thought you guys were upset about your team. After watching their team lose six games in a row, Brewers fans are jumping off the highest building in Milwaukee (eight stories). The lactose-intolerant among them are eating all of their requisite six meals a day at Culver’s. They’re hiding under the cushions of Prince Fielder’s couch. They’re going hunting without wearing those stupid orange jackets. And they’re writing off the season after 34 games. Awesome. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup.

• Hey remember how guys like Mark Prior, Glendon Rusch, and Michael Barrett made your life miserable, and now they’re the San Diego Padres’ problem? Well, so is Shawn Estes now. You know, Greg Maddux, if you want to get away from those guys and come back, the clubhouse door is always open.
• Apparently, the Dusty Baker apologists followed him all the way to Cincinnati. Since I still have a bit of a soft spot in my heart for the folks in that town, I’ll spare you the suspense, Reds fans. Edinson Volquez is screwed.
• It was nice of Steve Rosenbloom to let a twelve-year-old who hasn’t yet learned about things like “thesis statements,” “coherent thoughts,” or “schizophrenia” write his column.
• Jim Hendry has suggested that any changes to the team in the short-term will come from within. Isn’t that the same speech Uncle Ben gave to Peter Parker?
• Paul Sullivan writes the best opening paragraph he’s ever written, pointing out that Alfonso Soriano is second only to Corey Patterson in OBP for leadoff men in the National League. Sullivan also mentions that we will most likely activate Scott Eyre before Saturday’s game against the Diamondbacks. That means we’ll have to send someone down to AAA to make room for him on the roster. And we’ll have to evict the family living in his uniform pants.
• MLB.com came up with a list of their favorite nine “weird” ballpark traditions. The list is brilliant, including such outstanding “traditions” as the six-year-old Rally Monkey, the Home Run Apple, and traditions from such beloved teams as the Toronto Blue Jays and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
• The Commish evaluates the Brian Roberts trade. You remember that one? The trade that didn’t get done. Why are we still talking about this?
• I keep telling Soto that if he’d just take a few more steroids, he’d be able to get that triple and finish off the cycle he’s almost had a few times this year.
• Alex Rodriguez finally saw his first vagina, and the shock of it knocked him unconscious.
• Cancel your weekly trip to Berwyn to look at a shish kebob of cars. To avoid the uprising that would have ensued had they taken “The Spindle” down during the day, bandits came in the night and tore down the real star of Wayne’s World.

Well, that’s it for me, kids. This weekend, we’re hoping to beat the Diamondbacks at least two more times than we did last October. Hey, at least Rich Hill isn’t pitching, right?

-Sweet Uncle Lou

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