Well, Carol Slezak, congratulations. You’re up in arms once again, bitching and moaning about the White Sox for putting inflatable sex dolls in their locker room. Let me repeat that, Carol. IN THEIR LOCKER ROOM. Far be it from me to defend the White Sox for anything, but Slezak has about as much right to complain about what the Sox do in their locker room as I do to complain about the lack of urinals in a lesbian bar. There’s no goddamn reason for either one of us to be there, anyhow, so both of us should just shut up.

What the Sox did was a silly, juvenile joke, intended to lighten the mood and take some pressure off the team. But let’s take a look at Carol’s article rant, and dissect it piece by piece.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen curses this city for failing to give the Sox organization proper respect, but he has no problem with the infantile and sexist “shrine” his players erected in their locker room.

So, Ozzie Guillen is an idiot who is completely obsessed with the Cubs, and he’s sexist. I don’t see how that’s a conflict of personality.

Designed to help the team break out of its slump, the shrine featured two female blow-up dolls surrounded by ‘’strategically placed” baseball bats and was accompanied by a sign that read, ”You’ve Got To Push,” Canada’s National Post reported.

Dolls, right? Not actual women, right? Dolls with plastic heads and vinyl bodies that look less like a real human being than a Barbie doll would, right?

”A few of the bats were doing naughty things,” Sun-Times beat writer Joe Cowley wrote in his blog. Apparently one of the dolls was propped up by a bat in its rear end. Whether the lewdness was intentional or not, this was inappropriate. As were the blow-up dolls. Period.

Why? Because you, the most ridiculously uptight reporter in Chicago, said so? Oh, I know what your article is missing. This logical leap: “The display is offensive because it suggests that the White Sox condone the act of shoving a baseball bat up a woman’s ass.” Maybe you left it out because you’re a bad writer. Maybe you left it out because you typed it up and realized just how silly that argument sounds. But it at least would have been an argument.

The actions of the Sox, in erecting (hee hee!) a “sexist shrine” in their locker room consisting of inflatable female sex dolls with bats shoved up their rear ends is about as sexist as Spinal Tap’s Black album cover. THEY’RE DOLLS. The Sox didn’t have naked pictures of actual women plastered around their locker room. They weren’t watching porn. Hell, they didn’t even “peel a section” for each win like the guys in Major League did. I would also like to point out, Carol, that you’re up in arms about something YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE, AND ABOUT WHICH YOU’RE HEARING SECOND-HAND REPORTS.

Neither Guillen, his players nor anyone else in the Sox organization had attempted to conceal the shrine from reporters before the Sox played the Blue Jays on Sunday at Toronto’s Rogers Centre. And on Monday, Guillen defended the display (which had since been taken down), rationalizing that the team treats female reporters respectfully, and besides, he has seen a lot worse during his big-league career. So what’s the big deal, anyway?

So, they’re respectful to actual, living, breathing women, but they joked around with some plastic dolls. Good question, Carol. What is the big fucking deal?

Apparently the sensitivity training classes Guillen attended after using a gay slur in 2006 did not include a segment on blow-up dolls.

No, they probably didn’t. Because teaching someone to treat an inanimate object with sensitivity is about as insanely stupid as this article has been so far.

Just so we’re clear, had there been any female reporters working Sunday’s game — my understanding is there weren’t — the Sox could have found themselves in legal trouble as a result of the display. It’s also possible male reporters were offended by the display.

What exactly is the hypothetical female reporters’ legal argument, Carol? Intentional infliction of severe emotional distress? Because, you know, you need to actually show some psychological damages for that. Do you think anyone is going to need therapy after this? Are you trying to make a case for sexism in the workplace? Because, you know, they don’t actually work in the White Sox organization. As for a male reporter feeling offended, do you really care what Bwuce Levine thinks?

Let’s also point out that any reporter that walks into a men’s locker room is going to see some actual, real-life doo-dads right out there in public. Are you really making the argument, Carol, that seeing a wooden bat protruding from a plastic doll is going to be more shocking to a reporter’s senses than actual wang?

But this isn’t about reporters’ feelings. Reporters are conduits to the fans. What a team does behind closed doors is its own business. But once the locker room opens, the franchise is on public display. So, how do you like your team now, Sox fans? Do you think the players respect women? I’m not so sure about that.

Yes, Carol. You’re my conduit to my favorite sports teams. You are the true “voice of the fan,” if the fan is a bitter, frigid librarian who considers white bread “scandalous.” While we’re on the point of the locker room being open, please allow me to voice my opinion here. FEMALE REPORTERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE LOCKER ROOM. Sorry, but it’s completely ridiculous that these athletes shouldn’t allowed to be guys in the sanctuary of their own locker room.

However, I also believe that female reporters shouldn’t be at a disadvantage as compared to their male counterparts. So here’s my very simple solution. NO ONE is allowed in the locker room. These reporters can wait an extra 10-15 minutes so the guys can grab a shower, put some pants on, and meet them in the INTERVIEW ROOM. Problem solved. Everyone’s happy. The players have some privacy. The reporters are on equal footing. No one has to look at the lewd and lascivious displays in the White Sox clubhouse.

Can you imagine the Yankees or Red Sox building a similar shrine in their locker room, in full view of clubhouse visitors? Can you imagine Joe Girardi or Terry Francona allowing that to happen? I can’t.

I don’t think Francona would give a shit. That psychopath Girardi, though, won’t let his players have CANDY in the clubhouse. Is that really a valid point?

While Guillen has no problem with the shrine, he has definite issues with where the Sox rank in this two-team baseball city. His Sunday sermon proved that.

”The Cubs haven’t won in 120 years, and they’re the [bleep]ing best,” he said. ”[Bleep] everybody. We’re horse[bleep], and we’re going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the bitch of Chicago. We’re the Chicago bitch.”

Why is he wasting energy on the Cubs? More important, how can he complain about a lack of respect while his players are worshipping blow-up dolls in the locker room? It’s absurd.

No, absurd is equating the one with the other. I notice you skipped the part where Guillen said all the fans in Chicago are basically idiots. Because THAT WAS SO OFFENSIVE TO ME AS A CHICAGO SPORTS FAN. By the way, it’s spelled “worshiping.”

That’s not to let the players off the hook. Who among them thought this was a good idea? How could the so-called team leaders — Paul Konerko, Jim Thome, Mark Buehrle, Orlando Cabrera and Nick Swisher — allow this this to happen?

To think there wasn’t a single player man enough to stand up and say, ”This is wrong.”

Yeah, fuck those guys for not wanting to have their heads dunked in a freshly-used toilet and have their eyebrows shaved off in their sleep.

For the sake of thoroughness, let’s reverse the situation. If I were to walk into a women’s locker room (I like where this is going so far) and see two inflatable male sex dolls with baseball bats sticking out of their asses, you know what my reaction would be? Laughter. And then I’d carry on with my job like a professional. Incidentally, if you know anyone looking for reporters for any women’s sports, particularly Brazilian soccer, please let me know.

I’m sure the players’ moms, wives, sisters and daughters are really proud of them. Way to go, guys. And just so we’re clear, the tired ”boys will be boys” excuse no longer works.

Who needs moms, wives, sisters, and daughters when these players have a nagging bitch like you to keep them in line?

But it starts at the top. I’m pretty sure Guillen was born without a sensitivity chip, but what about general manager Ken Williams and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf? What about commissioner Bud Selig, who ordered Guillen’s 2006 sensitivity training? Verbal or not, intended or not, the blow-up doll shrine said a mouthful about how the Sox organization views women. And I don’t like what I heard.

Of course you don’t. Is there anything you do like, Carol? Because I’m looking for a place to store my Louisville Slugger.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 9:00 am and is filed under Broadcasters & Journalists, Cubs.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.