Is it true? Could it be? Is Carrie paying attention to my constant complaints that she always picks questions from Cubs fans located in remote geographical regions? This week’s Mailbag doesn’t have a single question from Alaska, Tennessee, or the nucleus of a uranium atom. What gives? Lucky for us, there are plenty of stupid people in the Midwest, asking plenty of stupid questions.

Sunday’s win put the Cubs in first place in the National League Central. Given that the White Sox are in first in the American League Central, I was wondering when the last time both Chicago teams simultaneously led their respective divisions.
– Tom B., Streator, Ill.

Yeah, me too. Oh, I’m sorry. Was that a question?

CARRIE: Both the Cubs and their crosstown rivals were in first in their respective divisions on April 21. The last time the Cubs and White Sox were in first place at the same time after a significant number of games (and we’re not including first-week standings) was May 23, 2004, when both teams were 25-18. In 2003, both teams were in first at the same time as late as Sept. 9. The Cubs were 77-67 at that time, and the Sox were 78-66. Thanks to historian Ed Hartig for that answer.

Good job, Ed. Hey, when you’re done doing Carrie’s job for her, can you take over for me for a couple of weeks?

Is anything physically wrong with Bob Howry, or did he have any offseason problems of any kind? I remember watching games last year and consistently seeing Howry hit 94-95 [mph] on the gun, but now he’s hitting 87-88. I know velocity isn’t everything, but it’s a huge part of Howry’s game and it seems to be a logical conclusion that if he can’t overpower hitters, he’ll continue to struggle. We need him to be solid if we’re going to make a run.
– Mike C., Chicago

Yeah, because everyone knows that you need your 4th righthanded option out of the bullpen to be lights out in April, or else you have NO CHANCE at making the postseason.

CARRIE: There’s nothing physically wrong. Howry had some of the same problems as Ted Lilly in that his arm strength is not what it should be. That’s part of the reason he has gotten off to a slow start. Lately, his problem has been location.

Here would have been a better question: Since Howry blows and his arm strength sucks at the beginning of the year EVERY year (His career ERA in March/April is 4.15. In May, it’s 4.65. In every other month, the highest it gets is 3.71. Second-highest? Only 3.16.) WHY THE HELL DOESN’T HE HAVE AN OFF-SEASON THROWING REGIMEN THAT KEEPS HIS ARM STRENGTH UP?!

Is Ryan Dempster hiding his grip or getting his grip with all that glove movement in his windup?
– Aaron H., Indianapolis

I’m going to go with hiding, since there’s no way Dempster will ever get a grip.

CARRIE: It’s a timing device that Dempster uses, as well as a way to adjust his grip without letting the hitter know what’s coming.

Because if anyone knows anything about impeccable timing and fantastic delivery, it’s Ryan Dempster.

I noticed that with Alfonso Soriano going on the 15-day disabled list that the Cubs recalled Eric Patterson from the Minors. Why didn’t they recall Matt Murton? On any other team, Murton would be starting in left field. I am very confused by this.
– Paul B., Naperville, Ill.

On ANY OTHER TEAM, Murton would be starting in left field? Since Harrison Ford’s version of The Fugitive was on this weekend, I’ll quote that.

“Care to revise your statement, sir?”
“What?”
“Do you want to change your bullshit story?”

Here are some of the left fielders in the MLB over whom Murton would NOT start: Garrett Anderson, Jason Bay, Ryan Braun, Pat Burrell, Eric Byrnes, Frank Catalanotto, Carl Crawford, Johnny Damon, David Delucci, Matt Diaz, Chris Duncan, Adam Dunn, Andre Ethier, Matt Holiday, Raul Ibanez, Geoff Jenkins, Jacque Jones, Jason Kubel, Carlos Lee, Ryan Ludwick (yes, he’d be THIRD on the shitty Cardinals depth chart), Hideki Matsui, Scott Podsednik, Manny Ramirez, and Josh Willingham.

CARRIE: Hopefully, everyone upset that Murton didn’t get the initial callup saw that he was added when the Cubs had to face the Pirates’ two left-handed starters. Patterson was the right choice at the time he was added, because the Cubs wanted a left-handed bat, and someone to back up in the infield with Mark DeRosa moving to left. The Cubs will have to make another move this week when Soriano comes off the disabled list.

Carrie, do you honestly think anyone who writes in to the Mailbag really follows this team? They are relying on a librarian to do their Googling for them, for God’s sake.

After watching Carlos Zambrano’s huge game at the plate on April 16, I was wondering how many starting pitchers have ever had hits from both sides of the plate in the same game?
– Barney F., St. Charles, Ill.

Okay, Barney. That’s actually a decent question that wouldn’t be relatively easy to look up yourself, so I’ll give you a pass. How are Betty and Bam-Bam doing these days?

CARRIE: Zambrano has done that before, back on June 27, 2006, against Milwaukee. “My job is to pitch,” Zambrano said. “I was lucky to get three hits.”

I’ll have to ask Hartig to research this one a little more.

“Yo, Hartig! You’re working again this weekend! Muskat picked another Mailbag question she can’t answer. No, I have no idea why she does that. Yeah, you’re going to have to miss your granddaughter’s christening. No, you can’t have her paycheck. No, I don’t know who you have to blow to get her job.”

I noticed that when Kosuke Fukudome is on first (which has been often), Matt Sinatro appears to be talking to him about third-base coach Mike Quade’s signs. Does Sinatro speak Japanese, do they compromise and speak Spanish, or is Fukudome’s English improving?
– Jake D., Janesville, Wis.

Great compromise. Instead of one of you learning a new language, why don’t BOTH of you learn a new language? It’s win win. Or it’s really stupid. I’m not sure which.

CARRIE: Sinatro would be more likely to speak Italian than Spanish. Fukudome knows enough baseball English to understand what Sinatro is saying.

In other words, Sinatro said to Fukudome:

And now, the end is near;
It is the 9th; the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
You sure can rake; of this I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve even coached the goddamn D-Rays;
Instead of Japanese,
Let’s do it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
I’m pretty sure that wasn’t chicken.
I should not have had round two,
It wasn’t even finger-lickin’.

I’ll hold your gloves of course.
You want some seeds? I bought them today.
Watch out. Look for the force.
Let’s do it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew.
I bit my fork while trying to chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up; not spit it out.
I faced it all at four feet tall;
And did it my way.

Heads up. The game is now tied.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
Yo, ump! That was outside!
After this, let’s go out boozing.

You think that I’m too fat?
I was going to join a gym today.
Meh. I guess we’ll see.
I do it my way.

How is Sheets pitching? What has he got?
He looks like Stifler high on pot.
I wonder how his elbow feels.
He sounds like Prior when he squeals.
The record shows that this team blows.
Let’s do it my way!

So, yeah, I don’t think Fukudome understands most of what he says, anyhow. Nor do I.

As DeRosa’s biggest fan, I would like to know what uniform number he wore as the quarterback at Penn. I need to order a jersey for my DeRosa shrine.
– Nicolas B., Bloomington, Ill.

From the very beginning of that question, I was rooting, for your sake, for you to be a female.

CARRIE: DeRosa wore No. 16, just as Joe Montana did.

Yep. Just like Joe Montana. If Montana would have gone to Penn. And pursued a career in baseball instead of football. And didn’t have all those championship rings.

I consider myself to be a pretty knowledgeable baseball fan. I was looking at the box score from the April 18 game, and under the pitching section, the Cubs pitchers had an “H” next to their name and a number. I never remember seeing this before. What does it mean?
– Rob G., Kenosha, Wis.

It means you might want to reconsider your opinion of yourself.

CARRIE: The “H” stands for a hold, and it’s awarded to a relief pitcher if he enters in a save situation, records at least one out, and leaves the game without having relinquished the lead.

Which is why you never see “Hart, K. (H)” in a box score.

What became of Chad Fox? I never saw any announcement that he was released. Clearly, he’s not on the roster, but was he assigned to a Minor League team, is he still working in extended spring, or did he give up his comeback bid?
– Paul B., Indianapolis

You missed the front-page headlines?

“FOX BEGINS REHAB ASSIGNMENT”
“REDEMPTION TIME FOR FOX?”
“CHAD FOX: STILL ALIVE”

CARRIE: Fox continued his rehab in Mesa, Ariz., at extended Spring Training, and has begun a rehab assignment at Class A Daytona.

Wake me when he signs with Cincinnati.

I received a white “W” flag for Christmas and have been flying it religiously this season. What is the official length of time I can fly the flag after a win? When does it need to come down? Please help.
– Jason P., Grinnell, Iowa

No problem. What you’re going to want to do, is you’re going to want to go down to your nearest Home Depot. And you’re going to want to ask someone in an orange apron where they keep their rat poison. And you’re going to want to buy as much rat poison as you can fit in the trunk of your car. And then you’re going to want to bring that rat poison home. And you’re going to sit down at your kitchen table and eat as much of that rat poison as you can possibly choke down.

CARRIE: At Wrigley, it’s flown after a win, and taken down the next morning. You’re free to fly it as long as you want.

She’s right. You can do whatever you want. This is America, which is why we can’t round up people like you and give you forced vasectomies.

Aug. 8 is the 20th anniversary of the first night game at Wrigley. Why is the game not a night game? Is there any chance they will change it?
– Liana W., Hiawatha, Iowa

Don’t worry. By the time they bring the game tape all the way to Hiawatha on horseback and run it through the projector at the town picture show so all the town folk can watch it, it will be night time. It will also be August 12th.

CARRIE: I’m sure you know that the game was rained out on Aug. 8, 1988, so the first official night game at Wrigley Field was played the next night, Aug. 9. That said, Aug. 8 this year is a Friday, and one of the rules regarding night games at Wrigley is that none are played on Fridays or Saturdays. It’s an attempt to help alleviate some of the congestion in the Wrigleyville neighborhood.

A lesser-known rule regarding night games at Wrigley is that you have to have at least one dude with a popped collar yell at you, “Cubbies fucking rule, bro! Fuckin’ D-Lee, bro! Looooouuuu! Let’s do a shot, man! What are you, a pussy?”

Tags: baseball, Carrie Muskat, Chicago Cubs, MLB

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