HJE Power Rankings: Week 4
I really, truly hope that Phil Rogers continues to publish Power Rankings throughout the course of the season. When your #3, 4, and 5 teams IN ALL OF BASEBALL are, respectively, the Mets, the Cardinals, and the White Sox, that’s must-read reporting right there. “Financial Security” and “Whining” were also ranked, after not being ranked last week. So, without further ado, here are HJE’s latest Power Rankings:
HJE Power Rankings:
- Chicago Cubs: The Diamondbacks may have them when it comes to the rotation, but this team is 8-1 since their starting left fielder’s calf snapped like a guitar string, and Ronny F. Cedeno is currently sporting a .375/.444/.563 line.
- Arizona Diamondbacks: The Cubs just beat them out by the length of Brandon Webb’s nose.
- Dusty Baker: He didn’t realize that his starting center fielder hasn’t gotten a hit since Marge Schott was goose-stepping around her owner’s box, and he thinks calling up Jerry Hairston, Jr. is a good idea. Now that the Reds have upgraded from Krivsky to Jocketty, I’m counting on Dusty to continue crippling that franchise.
- Boston Red Sox: They’re a bunch of dickheads, but three of their starters are hitting over .350, and two more are right around .340. If you want to learn more about the Red Sox, go to their team website at www.ESPN.com.
- Eric Gagne: Holy shit, you suck. Please don’t rediscover steroids.
- Los Angeles Angels of the United States of America, Earth: Meh. They’re all right if you can get over the fact that Garrett Anderson turns 100 years old this July. They get a permanent ranking boost for depantsing Dusty in 2002.
- Florida Marlins: Why not? Their rotation is pitching well enough, and their lineup is hitting well enough. Hanley Ramirez is the best shortstop in baseball, and any team that can stay ahead of the 2008 NL Champion New York Mets must be pretty good.
- Len Kasper: Last night must have been “stats night,” and Len came up with some good ones. My favorite was the statistic that in the history of the Cubs franchise, they have NEVER been below .500.
- Milwaukee Brewers: Fat Prince must have started eating meat again, because he actually hit a couple of home runs the other day. Fortunately for the Cubs, no one else on the team other than Jason Kendall(!) can hit, and Ben Sheets has Priorrea.
- Extra Innings: Free baseball? Yay!
- (TIE) Oakland Athletics, Chicago White Sox, Baltimore Orioles, St. Louis Cardinals: Look, we all know they stink. The sooner they figure it out, the better.
- Detroit Tigers: They pitch as well as Jim Hendry diets, but that lineup is starting to wake up (29 runs in the last two games).
- New York Yankees: Nothing wakes up an underachieving team better than a series against the White Sox. Plus, ranking them ahead of their NL equivalent will piss off MetsMan1980.
- New York Mets: Remember when they won the 2008 pennant when they traded for Santana? I hope he falls in a well.
- Philadelphia Phillies: Chase Utley is a stud. No wonder the 2007 Mets became the first team to blow a lead of at least seven games after September 12.
- Phil Rogers: It takes a lot of effort to make Paul Sullivan look like “the smart one.” +1 for you, Phil.
- Cleveland Indians: If they keep underachieving like this, they’re going to have to sign Rick Vaughn out of the California Penal League.
- Atlanta Braves: The more people that bump them down their Power Rankings, the more games they win.
- Houston Astros: Oops. I mean they’re actually #21.
- Tampa Bay
DevilRays: Hey, they’re hanging in there in the AL East, and Scott Kasmir hasn’t even thrown a pitch yet. - Toronto Blue Jays Yeah, Frank Thomas is a big fucking crybaby, but you didn’t realize that BEFORE you signed him?
- Minnesota Twins: Whether they end up finishing the season in first, last, or anywhere in between, rest assured that they will continue making Ozzie Guillen’s life a waking nightmare.
- Seattle Mariners: Remember when Richie Sexson was relevant?
- The NL West (Other Than Arizona): These teams are all the same, and no one gives a shit about any of them. The Rockies, Dodgers, and Padres should be ashamed that the Giants haven’t been mathematically eliminated yet.
- Kansas City Royals: They have a decent pitching staff (other than Gil Ga Meche) right now? The hell, you say.
- The Pinch Runner: Lou apparently loves the hell out of them, so that’s good enough for me.
- Pittsburgh Pirates: Hell, if they hadn’t have run into the buzzsaw that is the Chicago Cubs, they’d be 9-6.
- Cincinnati Reds: Looking to skyrocket to the top of the Rankings with the recent call up of Jerry Hairston, Jr. Dude.
- Texas Rangers: They’re going to finish last in the AL West, so why not just sign Todd Walker, solely for the purpose of having business cards printed up that say, “Todd Walker, Texas Ranger”?
- Washington Nationals: You’re making our country look bad. Seriously.
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Comments
Poon If the ranking of random comments and anything other than the actual teams can lead to some funny reading like this then it’s served its purpose. Number 13 is a winner and any reference to Major League is just tops. Add an Enrico Palazzo/CB Bucknor joke and a Buttermaker/LaRussa crossover and you hit the trifecta.
Todd Walkers stubble is used to cut diamonds.
Jarritos The worst part is, the stupid fans and the stupid sports writers feed off each other. The Cardinals better than the Cubs? Come on. I can’t wait until they begin their downward spiral.
Teamsleep “If you want to learn more about the Red Sox, go to their team website at http://www.ESPN.com.”
I’m pretty sure I haven’t had chocolate mile in like 14 years and yet somehow it just shot out of my nose.
Eff Ralph Macchio! BK, you’re the best around.
CactusMcHarris Hey Jarritos,
What’s crawled up your wazzoo and giving you assburn? San Diego - sure, we’re mediocre, and our closer has a number of blown saves, but we have some of the best pitching in the NL…oh yeah, there’s an ex-Cub there too, isn’t there?
Bad Kermit The only ex-Cub in San Diego we’ll claim is Maddux. When you mention the other two, we just whistle and walk away.
Fork The Padres will climb in the rankings once Prior comes back, in June.
hehehehehehehhehehe
JackB I saw a blurb yesterday that Prior has already experienced a setback towards his recovery. Anyone who was shocked by that probably has a string tied around their finger reminding them to breathe. What’d they pay him, a million and a half this year? Might as well have just flushed that money down the john, SD. The only one getting paid more to do nothing than Mark Prior is Paris Hilton.
JackB priorrea: n: (pry-or-e-ah) 1. Prone to injury, usually referring to baseball pitchers. 2. Lack of testicular fortitude.
Examples: “Rich Harden used to be good, until he got priorrea.” “Dave wanted to propose to wendy, but first he had to overcome his crippling priorrea.”
Nice one, BK.
Flem Hey, don’t forget about Bottom 126 alumnus Glendon Rusch. The Cubs are probably still paying half his salary somehow.
CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
Wow, what a douche. That guy is truly a moron–a complete idiot. Seriously, what kind of a jack-ass puts in random tidbits in the middle of power rankings, AND ranks the God damn random comments?!? That alone is too much stupidity, even ignoring the horrible rankings to begin with…