Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “FUNDAMENTALS” Edition

I know Dolan and EG have both already beaten me to the punch, but I would be a jerk to keep this treat to myself. Tuesday night, Kermit received the following e-mail:

Dear Bad Kermit,

Please take a gander at my new series of baseball instruction videos on the Youtube over there.

“Hardball Made Easy”

http://www.youtube.com/ScrappyRon1

I even gots your man Big Z to come out and trow some heaters at the kids there…

Stay Scrappy,
Ron Stilanovich

PS - I tried to get Fred McGriff too. But apparently, he’s not allowed to be around children anymore.

PSS - I made that last part up.

After waking Mrs. Kermit with laughter, Kermit responded to Ron and said that he appreciated the laugh. Ron’s response?

There is nothing funny about learning the FUNDAMENTALS!

If you follow the link in the e-mail, Ron’s site is full of gems like “Let’s take the FUN outta FUNDAMENTALS!” But my favorite part was his list of favorite movies and shows:

The Matt Bourne movies, Road House, Captain Ron, Rambos

Oh, and the aforementioned Zambrano video:

Ron, you are awesome. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:

• Now that Stevie Eyre has officially eaten himself off the roster, two pig men are battling it out to be my lefty guy in the pen. SOOOOIEE! That’s pig for, “Good luck, guys.”
• The gang at Ghost of Paul Noce explains why you shouldn’t give a shit that it’s been 100 years since this team has won anything.
• The Bright One (thanks for the nickname, Mike D.) is hosting a dirty limerick contest, or something. in which you’re supposed to explain why the Tribune shouldn’t sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Here’s what I have so far:

  “Keep it Wrigley!” some simpletons say.
  Like it matters to them anyway.
  They’ll still come out to cheer,
  And pay six bucks a beer,
  And have no clue who’s pitching that day.

  Sam Zell is a businessman who,
  Doesn’t care if you dorks cry, “Boo hoo!”
  Who cares about names?
  What matters is games,
  And this season we’ll win ninety-two.

• Good to know that Mark DeRosa is comfortable, now that apparently his closest competition for the second base job is an albino dwarf. Way to keep that competitive edge, Mark.
• NEWS FLASH: The weather in March in Chicago is different from the weather in March in Arizona.
• Employee 22 actually threw a real baseball to actual baseball players this week. Right after he was put on the 60-day disabled list. It’s a cock tease, Padres fans. Just take him out into the street and shoot him.
• For most Cubs fans, the only good memory of Antonio Alfonseca’s stay in Chicago was the game-winning base hit he had, which hit the first-base bag in Montreal in 2003. It looks like they’re not the only ones to appreciate the marvel of Fat Alf in the batter’s box.
• So, is Matt Murton going to get traded, or what? I sure hope it takes as long as the Brian Roberts deal does. Get bent, MacPhail.
• Holy shit, Bright One. Don’t you have any pride? Also, eleven people RECOMMENDED an article about a dead Cub predicting success for the team?
• UPDATE: Juan Pierre still sucks, and now he’s a crybaby, too.
• Dusty F. Baker is really excited about his outfield. His Louisville outfield. Does this fall under, “Just doesn’t get it”?
• I told Rothschild not to leave his sex toys lying around, but he didn’t listen, and now they show up on the internet.
• Someone be sure to tell Will Leitch to stay the hell out of Mexico for a while.
• Finally, this is horrifying.

Anyhow, this is the final weekend you should pay attention to your wives. We’ve got at least 162 reasons to neglect your chores coming up starting Monday.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

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