As you know, your local HJE idiots put together a panel of experts to form a Round Table of sorts to answer all eight of your preseason Cubs questions. Of course, the gang at HJE chipped in, too. Parts One and Two of the ensuing mayhem were published earlier this week. Part Three follows.

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Question Five: If the 2008 Cubs went back in time to play the 2004 Cubs in a best-of-seven series, what would be the outcome of the series, and how many times would 2008 Ryan Dempster ask 2004 Ryan Dempster to pull his finger?

Mike Donohue (Hire Jim Essian!): As many times as blown saves that the 2006 Dempster had.

Eli Gieryna (Flotsam): The Cubs would probably lose.

Len Kasper (Guy Voted “Most Likely to be Asked Stupid Questions by Kermit at a Cubs Convention”): Second question first: 37. On 2008 vs 2004, I’ll take my chances with the ‘08 Cubs.

Bruce Miles (Daily Herald): 2008 Cubs win in four because LaTroy Hawkins was on the 2004 Cubs.

Kelly Dwyer (Yahoo! Sports): That’s disgusting, and I’m not even going to deign to answer it.

(42 times.)

Jeff Thomas (Hire Jim Essian!): I think I must have blocked the 2004 Cubs out of my memory, because I had to check Baseball Reference to remember some of the more minor players. What a bullpen, though : Hawkins, Remlinger, Mercker, the Farns and Frank Beltran. Screw the 2004 Cubs, and especially screw Kent Mercker. I desperately, desperately hope that the 2008 Cubs win this one at a canter. Which means 2004 Cubs win it, in 4. By the way, screw Kent Mercker. Oh, and as 2004 Ryan Dempster has undoubtedly spiked the tea of 2008 Ryan Dempster with Turbo-Lax, it’s only going to take one pull. Have I mentioned Kent Mercker yet?

Chuck Gitles (Ivy Chat): The 2008 team would beat the 2004 team 4 games to three. The 2004 Carlos Zambrano would win two games against the 2008 himself. Ted Lilly would win two over Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. Greg Maddux would beat Rich Hill. And Carlos Marmol would win in relief over LaTroy Hawkins after the bullpens for both teams were wiped out after two inning starts from Matt Clement and Jason Marquis. The winning run would score when Sam Fuld hits a looper to center. Korey Patterson misplays the ball and is not backed up on the play because Moises Alou is getting his phone number to a girl in the Bartman seats and Sammy Sosa left early.

Chris Sprow (ESPN): I think there’d be issues, because some 2004-era broadcaster would have to read, “The Cubs got a combined 43 starts this year out of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood. That HAS to be a disappointment! Just 43 starts, combined!” Hearing this, all people related to the 2008 team would have their heads explode, canceling the series. Dempster is mute the whole series, actually. He’s despondent due to the use of a garbage Harry Caray impersonator for the sort of sick/morbid/out of place Chevy commercials. (Also, way to have SNOW on Wrigley Field, idiots at Chevy.)

Andy Dolan (Desipio): I’ve been saying for four years now that the 2004 Cubs were the most talented Cubs’ team of my lifetime and true to form they didn’t win diddly pooh. But I’ve been giving this more thought than a sane man should, and I think the 2008 Cubs are decidedly better. Let’s break this down, like Dave Van Dyck halfway through some Wild Turkey.

FIRST BASE — Edge 2008 Derrek Lee over 2004 Derrek Lee. 2004 Derrek Lee was a sensitive sort who made us pine for Hee Seop Choi for two months. Once I bought him that calendar that goes January-February-March-June-June-June-July-August-September-October-November-December he’s been much better.

SECOND BASE — Mark DeRosa over Tork Walkzielanek. DeRosa’s just better than those two, even those both of those guys were fairly solid. I was going to give bonus points to Todd Walker for his disgusted bat flip ability and the fact that he could grow a full beard during an at bat, but shit, DeRosa and Grudzielanek are just as hairy. What is with Hendry finding second basemen who reek of excessive testosterone and Aqua Velva? Somebody give Brian Roberts another injection.

SHORTSTOP — Ryan Theriot - Alex Gonzalez - Two months of gimpy Nomar — There are no winners here.

THIRD BASE — 2008 E-ramis is much better than 2004 E-ramis.

LEFT FIELD — Soriano gets the nod over Moises, if only because Moises spent the last two weeks of 2004 check swinging, getting run up by the first base ump, then throwing his helmet at the umpire. Ahh, the glory days.

CENTER FIELD — Felix Pie v. Corey Patterson? See shortstop.

RIGHT FIELD — Kosuke Fukudome over Sammy Sosa. Sammy’s last great year was his unbelievable 2001 season, he was pretty good in 2002, then 2003 he was a mess with the beaning, the bad toe, the cork and by 2004 he was a full blown basket case. Worst case for Fukakke is that he spills wasabi all over one of Mike Fontenot’s elfin-like shoes and Daryle Ward eats it and goes on the DL for two weeks.

CATCHER — Geovany Soto over Michael Barrett This was back when we thought Barrett was scrappy. Then, he lost the s.

STARTING PITCHING — Even though it was injury riddled even I’m not taking Zambrano, Lilly, Dempster, Hill and Lieber over Wood, Prior, Zambrano, Maddux and Clement. But still, I think the 2008 Cubs have pretty good starting pitching.

BULLPEN — The 2004 Cubs bullpen was the reason they choked, the 2008 bullpen has a chance to be pretty good.

BENCH — I’ll take any bench that Lou is running over any bench Dusty is overusing, especially if Dusty’s bench has the golden triumvirate of Neifi-Bako-Macias.

MANAGER — Dude, come on.

In a seven game series? 2008 Cubs in three. Two if 2008 Ryan Dempster takes a seltzer bottle to the shorts of 2004 Ryan Dempster.

Kermit: Like Dolan, I’m going to approach this anally. Er- I’m going use analysis to approach this. A little analytical system I like to call “The B126 Factor.”

2004 Cubs on The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Time: Moises Alou, Corey Patterson, Nomar Garciaparra, Jose Macias, Todd Hollandsworth, Alex Gonzalez, Tom Goodwin, Neifi Perez, Jason Dubois, David Kelton, Damian Jackson, Mark Prior, Matt Clement, Glendon Rusch, Sergio Mitre, Jon Leicester, Francis Beltran, Mike Remlinger, Kent Mercker, Kyle Farnsworth, Ryan Dempster.

Dear God. That’s arguably the best Cubs team of my time?

2008 Cubs on the B126: Ryan Dempster, Ronny Cedeno. (Hon. Mentions) Reed Johnson, Jason Marquis.

The 2008 Cubs in -17 games.

The number of times 2004 Ryan Dempster asks 2008 Ryan Dempster to pull his finger cannot be determined, as the two meet and spend the rest of eternity trying to one up each other. Their bones are discovered in 2185. Nearby is a discarded microphone, a xylophone tie, and a copy of the Big Book of Canadian Humor. The pages are all blank.

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Question Six: How many characters from the cast of the classic NBC sitcom “Cheers” could fit in Big Z’s H2? Who, if anyone would be left out?

Gitles: Everyone but Cliff would get in as Carlos would kill him for something trivial. Unfortunately, Z would also be left out because Carla would shove Z out the door because she hates anything non-Red Sox. Norm would ask Carlos if he knew where to find the ex-Cub Pitcher who tended bar and did such a great job cleaning out the beer taps while Sam was looking for Marla Collins. Diane, with a look on her face similar to when Nick Tortelli was in the room, would be holding the very tip of the corner of a business card she received from some guy in the bleachers. Rebecca is looking for Sam Zell and while Woody was at Graceland Cemetery paying his respects to Ernie Pantuzo.

Gieryna: I think I’m too young to answer this question.

Donohue: I’ve got 10–Sam, Woody, Carla, Rebecca, Norm, Cliff, Fraser, Lillith, Paul and John Hill from Melville’s upstairs. Who’s left out? Shelly Long, of course.

Dwyer: Phil and Paul will be left out, hoping to score some lines on the series as everyone leaves the bar where everyone knows your name. Then Harry the Hat will make the whole Hummer disappear.

Kasper: These questions are too easy: 37. Frasier Crane would be left out because he wouldn’t know who Carlos is.

Dolan: Paul would be left out. Paul was always left out. And Diane. Who needs that uppity gasbag when Rebecca’s shirt was sure to come off after one Jagermeister?

Sprow: 3/4 of one Kirsty Alley, if we’re going by current Jenny Craig washout size. You could also say one of Sam Malone’s ego, but I’d just drop Norm and the others, and take Shelly Long for a park out at the ol’ driving range, and leave ‘em all out.

Thomas: Five. Woody and Sam in the front, Norm and Cliff in the back, and Coach in the ashtray.

Miles: Norm.

Kermit: Come on, guys. No love for Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly K-E-L-L-Y? Why? Because she’s Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly all mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine Kelly Kelly Kelly all mine. Leave that Henri weasel standing on the side of the road pulling Dempster’s finger. Not that he’d smell it. Dirty Frenchman.

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Part Four of the Round Table (the final part) is coming up tomorrow…

Tags: baseball, Chicago Cubs, MLB

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