Jay Mariotti Declares Wood’s Season Over

Holy shit, Jay Mariotti. The only time I think about you is when your headlines come across my feed reader. Generally, I just laugh at them. But when I see, “Wood Over Marmol: Cubs Will Regret It” come flying up, Jay, well, I just have to comment. Jay’s nonsense is in quotes (generally a good idea just to read the first sentence). My nonsense is outside the quotes.

He’s one of those blue “I Believe” wristbands. He’s the shriek in Ron Santo’s voice, the quiver in the soul of every diehard, the ongoing template of hope in Cubdom. We’re talking about Kerry Lee Wood, of course, and later this week, in news that will delight a cult that clings to him like a string of rosary beads, Lou Piniella is expected to anoint him as the team’s closer.

No, he’s actually a once-phenom pitcher who won the hearts of everyone in Chicago by having the balls to suggest that he owed the Cubs something and sticking around for cheaper than what he would have gotten on the open market because of that debt. He’s a refreshing change of pace in a world populated too often by greedy bastards and whiny bitches. The guy just loves to pitch, and those who have followed his career wept with him when he couldn’t. He’s a throwback to an older era when guys just shut up and took the damn ball when their skipper told them to, even if their shoulder joints felt like they were filled with sand and their elbows were made of jelly. He also shits lightning and wipes with fire. Don’t diminish him to a punchline for your stupid “Cubdumb” jokes.

Do I love the story line? Absolutely, like a 16-ounce beer in the bleachers.

But do you love it as much as you love a good shouting match / tickle fight with Woody Paige?

But do I trust the story line? Oh, about as much as Aramis Ramirez with a fighting rooster or Eliot Spitzer with free time on his hands.

Actually, if I were to entrust anyone to care for a fighting rooster, I’d trust Aramis. He obviously knows what he’s doing. Oh, did you just mean a REGULAR rooster? Also, does the restraining order say you can’t use “cock” in your columns anymore?

In a camp that has produced legitimate optimism about a pennant and not the usual rah-rah lies, the Cubs are more than pushing their luck by entrusting Wood with daily ninth-inning pressure. They’re setting themselves up for a big fall. Much as everybody is rooting for the guy, Piniella and Jim Hendry need to use common sense and think with their heads, not their hearts. They’re getting way ahead of themselves if they believe a pitcher who has made 11 disabled-list trips — more than the combined rehab excursions of Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears, for those keeping score at home — can stay healthy in a demanding role that might require him to pitch two, three or even four consecutive days.

Oh, Jay. I love when you prove you’re hip to pop culture. Every time you mention a young starlet, I try to avoid picturing you pantless at your computer Googling “Lindsay Lohan upskirt.” Just buy some roast beef, Jay.

You also haven’t really explained what this “big fall” is going to be. Wood getting hurt? Are you saying Wood is the one player the Cubs can’t afford to lose to injury? That would be a stupid stance, but at least it would be a stance.

Closer to the point, the Cubs own a young reliever, Carlos Marmol, who has the electric stuff necessary to be an dominant closer immediately. They worry that he lacks experience, but which is the lesser evil here: enduring Marmol’s learning curve or hoping and praying that the most luckless pitcher of his era somehow doesn’t break down? I realize Marmol is still a kid, that he allowed the killer home run in Game 1 of the Arizona series that brought PIniella so much grief, that he oddly laughed Sunday about a first-pitch gopher ball he relinquished to Erick Aybar, suggesting he’d served up a fastball as requested by the Anaheim hitter. I also realize Wood has looked sharp lately, shaking off a rough first outing with a fastball topping out at 98 mph — doesn’t the mere mention of that number remind you of 20 strikeouts? — while relinquishing no walks in seven Cactus League innings. Something was cool, admittedly, about the way he saved Carlos Zambrano’s 4-1 victory on only six pitches.

Has anyone ever suggested to you that your paragraphs are unnecessarily long? They are. Also, it seems like you’re making a case for Wood to be the closer over Marmol. That would have probably made for a much more interesting article so far.

“I feel great,” Wood told reporters afterward. “I’m throwing the ball well. But more important, I feel good.”

“Woody is making the decision easier, not tougher,” Piniella said. “He has been throwing strikes. He has been going after hitters. His velocity has been good. He is mixing in some nice, hard sliders. He is getting ahead of hitters. He is really throwing the ball well.”

Hang on. Let me go back and look at your headline again. “Wood Over Marmol: Cubs Will Regret It.”

But please don’t let this temporary giddiness cause collective amnesia. It was truly a miracle — and the word is employed properly in this case, unlike most usages during March Madness — when Wood returned to the Cubs last August and pitched effective, pain-free baseball for two months. Only weeks earlier, remember, he was preparing to call the front office and announce his retirement because the pain in his right arm was too persistent. His plan was to have one final surgery so he could perform basic tasks the rest of his life, such as throwing to his kids in the backyard. Then, an amazing thing happened. The pain vanished, allowing Wood to work his arm into shape and eventually rejoin the Cubs on a summer night when the Wrigley fans gave him a long, warm standing ovation even after Alfonso Soriano injured his quad. Down the stretch of a division-title run, he was solid as an early setup man, contributing his savvy and fire without having to pitch every day.

So, don’t forget that when Wood came back, he was totally pain-free, was throwing harder than he’d been in a long time, took immediately to the bullpen role, was excellent down the stretch, and has carried that success over into Spring Training, where he’s been even better? Done.

It would seem a perfect role for him this season, teaming with Bob Howry to build the bridge to Marmol. After all, hasn’t Piniella already said he won’t be using a closer-by-committee, that his decision this week is intended to stick the entire season? “Once we make a determination, unless there’s an injury, let’s just stay with how we go instead of going back and forth,” Piniella said. “We don’t want to put that type of scrutiny or pressure on anybody. That’s why we’ve waited so long to let it evolve, not force it and let things take care of themselves on the field.” But in making Wood the closer, that’s exactly what the Cubs are doing: putting pressure on a pitcher whose health is too tenuous to expect consistently excellent results over seven months.

Remind me never to hire you as a lawyer, Jay. You have successfully spent the first half of your article arguing against your own point. Your rebuttal to yourself appears to be, “But don’t be silly, sentimental Cubs fans dwelling in the past! Kerry Wood has been hurt…in the past!”

I don’t want to predict Wood will blow out his arm again.

You’re so full of shit. Nothing would give you more satisfaction than to strut around the office “I-told-you-so”‘ing everyone in ear shot, you smug fuck.

It would be an incredibly sad ending to a would-be Cooperstown career that already has triggered enough tears. But if you want the truth — if you can HANDLE the truth — you’ll realize arm trouble is a distinct possibility in the closer role, or any role.

When did A Few Good Men come out? 1992? I suspect you rented that one based on title alone. Also, would you care to name some closers who have had significant arm problems? Didn’t moving from starter to closer prolong John Smoltz’s career? Mariano Rivera seems pretty durable. Same with Billy Wagner. And Trevor Hoffman. In fact, Jay, off the top of my head, I can’t really think of a single good closer who has had chronic arm problems. Oh, I see what you did at the end there. You said arm trouble is a possibility in the closer role OR ANY ROLE. So, if a guy gets paid to move his arm in an unnatural way and try to accelerate a ball at speeds in the high 90s, there’s a possibility he’ll have arm problems. Thank God you’re here to tell us these things.

Piniella counters with a different kind of logic, saying the setup role is more taxing. “To me, the two setup roles are just as important as the closer role. In fact, they are probably a little more demanding in getting up and getting warmed up and being used as opposed to pitching basically the ninth inning,” he said. “The closer has a tough job in that the game is in his hands when he gets out there. But, boy, I’ll tell you, the seventh- and eighth-inning pitchers work a heck of a lot more.”

So, it’s arguably LESS stressful on Wood if he closes? I sure hope you’re building up to a brilliant conclusion here, Jay.

Does it sound as if Piniella is trying to talk himself into this? Look, if Wood didn’t have a long injury history, there would be no argument. No one ever has questioned his guts or competitive nature, and closing games certainly fits his personality. “It’d be fun, no question,” he said last week. “But it’d be nerve-racking, as well. If you’ve got a lead and you cough it up or we end up losing the game, it’s solely on your shoulders. It’s a tough spot to be in, but every guy that closes games goes through the ups and downs. And it’s not so much the day you give it up as what you do the next day.”

No, Lou is not trying to talk himself into this. He was probably trying to prevent idiotic articles like this one. Closing games is nerve-racking, sure. More nerve-racking than having to almost single-handedly pitch your team past the Atlanta Braves in the playoffs? Probably not.

But with the Kid K days in the distant past and Marmol ready and waiting as the possible next Frankie Rodriguez, the Wood project might be characterized as high-risk, questionable-reward. After 100 years of waiting, Cubdom doesn’t have patience to wait on another fairy tale, having been fed so many through the years. You saw the Red Sox unearth a young closer in Jonathan Papelbon, debate about whether to make him a starter, then return him to the role and watch him clamp down another World Series title last autumn. The lesson for Hendry and Piniella: When you have a kid pitcher with a healthy blowtorch, use him. Don’t take needless risks in a potential championship season, just because you’ve fallen in love with the Kerry Wood script.

Good plan. When you have a young kid with a healthy arm, use him. That plan worked brilliantly for Mark Prior and– Oh, what was that other guy’s name again? I’d know it if I heard it. Oh, right. KERRY WOOD. Jay, you’re WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW. How can you possibly be so stupid?

What possibly suggests the movie will have a happy ending, anyway?

What possibly suggests that Carlos Marmol will be a stud closer, anyway? You?

This is the club’s most pressing issue, assuming the Brian Roberts trade goes through before the next millennium. The Mets, regarded as National League favorites, have reliable Billy Wagner as their closer. The next-best team, the Diamondbacks, are gambling on Brandon Lyon after trading lights-out Jose Valverde. If the Cubs have a lockdown closer, they might win the pennant.

Okay, Jay. Let’s assume the worst. Kerry Wood is given the closer’s role, struggles badly, and is stricken with polio. So…what’s preventing Carlos Marmol from taking over at that point? Or Bob Howry, for that matter? Why couldn’t Lou just, you know, SWITCH GUYS? You wasted all that ink, Jay, writing about something that is a completely moot point. If Wood was the only closer option for the Cubs, and you were advocating a trade for a closer, this article might have made a modicum of sense. But if this experiment fails, the Cubs have two (arguably three, if Kevin Hart is the real deal) closers waiting in the wings. WHY DON’T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT YOUR ARTICLES?

Yet the last time we saw Kerry Wood with a pennant in doubt, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. Karma, among other reasons, is why you don’t dare do this.

Good analogy, Jay. Wood was a perfectly-healthy starter in 1998 and 2003, who was fucking awesome in the NLDS against the Braves in both years, and who had one bad game (in a game which should HAVE NEVER HAPPENED) in 2003. I don’t understand how it’s possible for you to type without ever using your brain. Technically the “last time” we saw him with a pennant in doubt was last year. He gave up one earned run in three innings with no walks and two strikeouts. That’s good, right?

Be ready, Carlos Marmol. Be ready.

He will be. What’s your point?

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