So, The MLB Wants Dirt on the Umps?
Looks like the MLB has allegedly been going to great lengths to dig up dirt on its umpires. I don’t know why they’re wasting time calling the friends and neighbors of these umps. Next time, MLB, you could have just asked us. HJE has the dirt, as always, on some of your favorite umpires.
- Wally Bell: Wears rouge.
- CB Bucknor: Once made out with Dusty Baker at the yearly MLB Christmas party.
- Gary Cederstrom: Has a prehensile tail.
- Eric Cooper: In high school, his nickname was Eric “Pooper,” with good reason.
- Derryl Cousins: Still believes in Santa.
- Gary Darling: Played “Maria” in high school performance of West Side Story.
- Dana DeMuth: Used to be a woman.
- Laz Diaz: Shaves his arms.
- Andy Fletcher: Was in Depeche Mode. Seriously.
Marty Foster:Drinks Windex.- Bruce Froemming: Ate Marty Foster in the offseason.
- Angel Hernandez: Premature ejecter.
- John Hirschbeck: Performs at emo poetry readings.
- Jeff Kellog: Despite the name, he hates Frosted Flakes.
- Ron Kulpa: Goes commando.
- Randy Marsh: Has a Second Life character that dresses like a woman.
- Tim McClelland: Mustache hides grotesque hairlip.
- Chuck Meriwether: Reads Jay Mariotti.
- Bill Miller: Broke kneecap at old Busch Stadium.
- Ed Montague: Secretly in love with a Capulet.
- Larry Poncino: Is “really more of a cat person.”
- Ed Rapuano: Talks on his cell phone while driving.
- Charlie Reliford: Steals kills in Halo 3.
- Tim Tschida: Only gives LaTroy Hawkins grief because he has a secret crush on him.
- Bill and Tim Welke: All I’ll say is that there also used to be a LARRY Welke.
- Hunter Wendelstedt: Farts on catchers’ backs.
- Joe West: Thinks he’s a cowboy.
You’re welcome, MLB.
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