For this week’s Mailbag, I’m saying the hell with the Q & A. It’s been a while since I’ve done a skit, and I might as well base it on this latest bunch of drivel. Today, the part of Carrie Muskat will be played by Joan Cusack. The part of Kermit will be played by a sock.

Hey, Carrie, what’s happening? Isn’t all of Jim Hendry’s talk about moving Dempster to the rotation CRAZY?


Hendry, the Cubs’ GM, is thinking Dempster will have better success as a starter.


I know Hendry is the GM. Pretty weird that you’d mention that, actually. But does it really matter what Hendry thinks when Lou is the manager and Dempster has pitched like shit in the past?


Dempster is thinking that way, too.


So, if I think hard enough about MYSELF being a Major League-caliber starter, eventually it may happen? Because I don’t know if I have the endurance for it.


As for endurance, last year he was conditioned to pitch one or two innings.


And give up 3-4 runs in those innings. So, why the hell does he think he’d be an effective starter?


The conditioning process is entirely different for starters. Dempster says he’s learned a lot in the last three years, specifically from Greg Maddux.


You mean a lot of dick jokes, don’t you?


As Dempster says: “Now I can go out there and not be afraid to give up a run because it’s not going to mean the game. You can be a starter and give up three runs in the first, and go six more innings and everybody talks about the great job you did. If you’re closing, you give up one run and sometimes they want to run you out.”


Holy shit, he actually said that? He said he’s going to give up three runs in the first inning? At least the first time he does that (in his first Spring Training game), Lou will toss him out of the rotation on his ass.


This won’t be a one-start experiment this spring, either. Dempster will be mixed into the Cactus League games with the other starter candidates.


I hate you.





At least we can agree on one thing. It’s going to be hilarious watching Lou try to learn Japanese curse words so he can swear at Fukkake.


It will be interesting to watch this spring.


How do you think Fukkake will respond the first time Dempster tells him a lame joke and then tries to explain it to him?


I’m sure Fukudome can learn to say, “I got it” in English within six weeks.


Either that or “Fuck off, Red.” Well, I think we can agree that language is important in certain ways. What those ways are, is hard to define.


What’s important is that Pie and Fukudome get a feel for each other’s ability and speed to avoid collisions in the gap.


Gross, Carrie.


That may be more important than language. How many times have you heard players say they couldn’t hear because of the crowd noise?


Um, twice, maybe? And I’m guessing both times Jacque Jones was doing the complaining.


If you’ve watched the coaches from the dugout, they use sign language to position the outfielders, so that shouldn’t be an issue.


Actually, when I’m at Wrigley, I usually just watch the game. On TV, the cameramen usually just show big-breasted, tan women, fat guys eating nachos, or Mike, that one vendor whose hair looks like it smells like a swamp. But I get your point. You’re saying the Cubs will have to come up with a better excuse than language if they suck this year.


Alfonso Soriano does not speak fluent Japanese, yet he was able to play in Japan for three seasons.


Good argument. A better argument would have been, “Alfonso Soriano barely speaks a lick of English, yet he has been able to play in the United States for nine seasons.”

So, I assume the Cubs are going to do their normal hazing ritual of the rookies. Are they going to do the usual to Fukkake, where they make him walk through Wrigleyville in a tutu and eye makeup?


Fukudome was given a choice, and he will be wearing a No. 1 jersey with “Fukudome” on the back.


Man, that actually seems like a worse choice than the tutu. Anyhow, Carrie, I missed parts of Season Two and Season Three of Lost, so I wanted to buy the seasons on DVD before tomorrow and try to catch up. Do you think there’s any sort of deal where I can get both seasons for cheap?


The two will likely be sold separately because that’s where the profit is.


Damn. Do you know if Sawyer and Kate are going to keep hooking up next season?


The plan is to continue to link them together.


Nice. I’m glad the Tribune Company is busy working on other deals, so they can’t buy ABC and run that show into the ground.


The Tribune Co. is trying to work out a deal with the Illinois Sports Facilities Authority to operate and maintain Wrigley Field, and then have whoever buys the Cubs agree to a lease that would keep the team at the ballpark.


Yeah, I’ll hold my breath waiting for that to happen.


How long?


It’s just a figure of speech, Carrie. Do you think the Cubs will stay in Wrigley Field forever so the saps that think they can never be moved will shut the hell up?


Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has not been specific; he says “for the foreseeable future.”


So, there’s still a chance I can get wanged by a falling piece of concrete this season?


Hopefully, we’ll have some news on Wrigley Field’s status by Opening Day.


Okay, good. Hey, did you ever get those test results back?


No, and we could have an answer this week.


Well, let me know when you do.


The Orioles have been very deliberate, and Baltimore GM Andy MacPhail has hinted he wants to resolve this by the end of January.


The whole team and the management? Jeez, Carrie!


MacPhail wants a package of young talent which will help the team for the future.


So, they’re using you as a breeder? That’s crazy! Have the Cubs ever tried something like that?


That rumored seven-for-two player deal between the Cubs and Orioles?


Yeah.


It never happened.


Yeah, that would be some sacrifice.


As Hendry quipped: “I’d like to know who we gave up.”


Well, I guess that would be you. Speaking of your love life, did Mark ever call you back?


If the Cubs don’t get Roberts, Hendry and manager Lou Piniella have both made it clear they’re very happy with Mark DeRosa as the second baseman.


Don’t want to talk about it, huh? You’re not bitter, are you?


The team is trying to add more speed and another left-handed bat, which is what Roberts offers.


Ouch. Guess so. At least you’re trying to upgrade, though, right? You’d never lower your standards, would you?


Note that three of the non-roster invitees — Andres Blanco, Luis Figueroa and Bobby Scales — are switch-hitters, athletic, and high on-base percentage guys, too. That’s also what Piniella wants.


Yikes. He must have pissed you off something fierce. Would you ever give a shot to a sock puppet?


Can you guarantee the Cubs will win the World Series and end the 100-year drought? If so, maybe we can work something out.


We’ll see. At least I don’t get shot down as much as the Cubs pitching staff does when they go out looking for chicks, huh? I hear those guys are the most awkward staff in baseball when it comes to women, especially Rich Hill.


Actually, Cubs pitchers led the Majors for the seventh straight season, totaling 1,211 strikeouts in 2007.


I’m sure Dempster was responsible for most of those. So, you have big plans for this month?


Single-game tickets go on sale on Feb. 22. Stay tuned to Cubs.com for more info.


Really? That’s it? Seems kind of lame.


You’re right.


You should try to call that Ricky Jordan guy again and see what he’s up to.


It was Bradley, and not Ricky Jordan.


Bradley, then. What ever happened with him?


Just a communications gaffe.


Did he give you the old, “My cell phone is really unreliable” line? I use that one all the time.





Carrie?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 30th, 2008 at 12:05 pm and is filed under Broadcasters & Journalists, Cubs, Skits.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.