LOU’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:

• Convince Kermit to finish the T79 before 2009.
• Convince Jim to trade for Brian Roberts.
• Move Soriano down in the lineup.
• Win a fucking playoff game.
• Kick Roger Clemens in his tiny, shriveled balls.
• Convince Anita that I don’t need a diet, but rather that she needs lower standards.
• Challenge Fukudome to hot dog eating competition. Win.
• Hunt down and kill all of the Hall of Fame voters who aren’t voting for Santo and Dawson.
• Create World of Warcraft character. Level up. Kill Schilling’s character.
• Attend funeral of whatever Cardinal player dies this year.
• Kick dirt.
• Move Dempster to the rotation. The Cardinal rotation.
• Clinch this shitty division by August.
• Spray Hendry with cologne whenever he’s not looking.
• Buy a crotchless Fukudome jersey. Whaddya mean, “Jerseys don’t have crotches”?

Happy New Year’s, jerkwads. Be safe. Be smart. Get a cab. This two-bit site can’t afford to lose any readers.

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