Nationals Interested in Being Worst Team in National League

Bill Ladson wrote a story yesterday about how Corey Patterson would fill a lot of holes for the Washington Nationals. People out there are seriously still under the impression that Patterson is a decent player? Really? Are they the same people who kept Michael Tucker in the league for all those years? Anyhow, the article is mock-worthy. His words are in quotes. Mine aren’t.

WASHINGTON — Outfielder Corey Patterson is aware that the Nationals are looking for a center fielder and that they have interest in him.

“Corey Patterson is aware.” I bet that’s the first time those words have ever come in that particular order.

Patterson could be a cheaper alternative if Washington can’t sign a center fielder, such as Andruw Jones, Torii Hunter or Aaron Rowand.

True. And this Christmas, kids, if your parents can’t afford to buy you an Xbox 360, an N-Gage would be a cheaper alternative.

Patterson also could be the leadoff hitter that the Nationals are looking for. The leadoff spot proved to be a disaster for the team in 2007. Players batting leadoff hit a combined .243 with 11 home runs and 57 RBIs.

Patterson, on the other hand, hit 8 home runs and 45 RBIs. Bill, that’s- that’s worse.

Patterson, a free agent, said on Tuesday that he would have interest in playing for the Nationals.

Of course he would. There are far fewer people there to boo him.

He talked about the Nationals going into a new ballpark in 2008 and the fact that he played with hitting coach Lenny Harris when they were with the Cubs.

Forget the hilarious reminder that Lenny Harris is a Major League hitting coach.

“[The stadium] would be very nice. I know a handful of guys on that team — Felipe Lopez, Dmitri Young, who had a good year last year. … I played with Lenny and he is a good guy. We played together for a year,” Patterson said.

Half year. And then you blew out your knee and didn’t show up in the dugout for the playoffs, remember? You pouty little bitch.

“The Nationals did a lot better during the second half. It’s definitely some things to build from there. I think that team will be a contender — hopefully soon.”

You’re retarded.

An eight-year veteran,…

Holy God, Corey Patterson is a veteran.

…the left-handed-hitting Patterson, 28, is an excellent center fielder and is considered a streaky hitter.

Yep. Streaky like a shit-stained pair of underwear.

He played with the Orioles in 2007 and hit .269 with eight home runs and 45 RBIs. His best season was in 2004, when he set career highs in home runs, RBIs and runs scored with the Cubs.

And got on base a whopping 32% of the time, batted .266, and slugged .452. Yilch.

Patterson’s biggest accomplishment is that he cut down on his strikeouts significantly. After averaging 124.7 strikeouts in his last four years with the Cubs, Patterson averaged only 79.5 whiffs during his two years with the Orioles.

That’s misleading, as Patterson had fewer at-bats as an Oriole. However, you are correct, Bill, that Patterson did indeed strike out a lower percentage of the time (17.2% as an Oriole compared to 25.4% as a Cub). However, who gives a shit? He failed to get on base as much as an Oriole as he did as a Cub. What’s the difference if he pops out to the shortstop or whiffs on three outside sliders in the dirt? Oh, by the way, Patterson is also taking fewer walks as an Oriole (5% of the time as a Cub, 4.5% of the time as an Oriole, based on at-bats, as I’m too lazy to calculate plate appearances). Yes, he got LESS patient.

“It’s about maturing,” Patterson said. “The more you do something, the more you get familiar with it and baseball is a game of repetition. You have to do it, day in and day out.”

Remember when you refused to play winter ball? Asshole.

“Some guys catch on faster than others.”

Does this mean Corey is about to catch on that he needs a different plate approach?

“It’s sticking to my approach and not changing things, which allows me to be more consistent and cut down on my strikeouts.”

Guess not. What exactly is your “approach,” Corey?

1. Approach bat rack.
2. Select bat which is too heavy to allow me to catch up to high fastball.
3. Strut to plate.
4. Stand in left-handed batters’ box.
5. Observe first pitch. If first pitch is a ball, swing wildly at it. If first pitch is belt-high fastball right down the middle, take it.
6. If you ever find yourself ahead in the count, swing at the next offering from the pitcher, even if it’s a pickoff throw to second base.
7. When a single will win the game, always try to hit a home run.

General manager Jim Bowden was not available to comment on Patterson or the Nationals’ needs for next season.

If one of the moves which will “improve” his team is adding Corey Patterson, I’d assume he was in his office with the lights off, crying, drinking Jack Daniel’s, and sucking on the end of a revolver.

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