What’s worse than watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher? Watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher for the Mets. What’s worse than that? Watching your team get completely dominated by an opposing catcher for the Mets who goes to the same barber as (Cousin) Larry Appleton. Cousin Gary dominated the Cubs throughout the course of his 19-year career, and so he checks in at #68 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Gary Carter was a third-round pick of the Montreal Expos way back in 1972. He worked his way up through the Expos’ ranks quickly, and saw his first Major League action on September 16, 1974. The September call-up gave Carter plenty of time to set the tone for bad things to come for the Chicago Cubs. During his brief call-up, Carter batted .364 and slugged .545 against the North Siders with 4 RBIs and a stolen base (What?!) in only three games.

As bad as it was watching Carter torment the Cubs while he was with the Expos, it got much, much worse. After the 1984 season, Carter was traded to the New York Mets for Hubie Brooks, Mike Fitzgerald, Herm Winningham, and Floyd Youmans. Carter immediately set to work compiling big offensive numbers against the Cubs and frustrating Cubs fans to no end.

By the end of his career, Carter had slugged more home runs (41) against the Cubs than against any other team but the Phillies. He had driven in more runs (155) against the Cubs than any other team. He had hit more triples (6) against the Cubs than any other team, and he had also managed to swipe 5 of his 39 career stolen bases against the Cubs. And Jason Kendall was not catching during a single one of those steals.

Apparently, he sucked against everyone else, too, in embarrassing fashion.

Since I have nothing left for which to mock Gary Carter except his lame-ass nickname, “The Kid,” let’s make fun of his website. Yes, I know it’s for charity. Yes, I know he does it for kids. Yes, I know it’s the same cause that Ron Santo supports. Shut up.

The site opens with a slideshow of pictures of Carter. The ones that aren’t horribly pixelated are either squashed or stretched beyond all recognition. As an added bonus, there’s a picture of Carter straddling the back of a small Indian boy’s head. The boy is holding a Cabbage Patch doll and a bat, presumably for self-defense.

If you can’t stand the slideshow anymore, click the “SKIP INTRO” button. You know you’ve entered a high-quality website when there is a horizontal scrollbar at the bottom edge of your browser window. At the top of the page, there are two nice pictures of Carter, a symbol made primarily of clip art, and, inexplicably, a big red rectangle.

Scroll down and take a look at the presumably corrupt Board of Directors of The Gary Carter Foundation. If this doesn’t reek of nepotism, I don’t know what does:

Gary E. Carter President
Sandra K. Carter Vice President
Susan L. Petersen Secretary
Jeffrey P. Snider Treasurer
Christina A. (Carter) Kearce
Kimberly N. (Carter) Bloemers
Douglas J. Carter

Send your tax audit tips here.

Keep following those tabs to the “Golf Tourneys” link. On that page, not only will you see Gary demonstrating his Cub-killing swing, but you will also find the logo for Carter’s tournaments.





Sweet ‘N Low? Sweet ‘N Low? Did Sanka and Tab bail on you at the last minute, Gary? Was Diet Rite not returning your phone calls? Did you get into an argument with the Pepsi Free rep?

Go to the “Christmas Sale” page to check out the awesome Christmas packages Gary put together for you. Package #1 includes photos and a coin which were “Autographed twice!” presumably because Carter got drunk and forgot that he autographed the photos the first time. Be sure to check out your web browser bar while you’re on this page. Merry Chistmas, everyone! If you’re not interested in autographed photos or mousepads with Carter’s visage on them, can I interest you in this monstrosity?





If you’re still not interested, head to the “Collectibles” tab for this Carter lithograph.





This would be what Gary Carter would look like before, during, and after being engulfed in flame.

But wait! There’s more! Check out the “Photos & Posters” tab to find out what Gary Carter’s kitchen table looks like.

I’ll give you a hint:





Nothing? How about this?





Ready for the money shot?





Ah, but it’s for a good cause, so I guess I’m just kidding.

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Why You Should Hate Him: June 10, 1987. The second-place Cubs sent Scott Sanderson to the mound to take on Gary Carter and the Mets, who were relying on the arm of Doc Gooden. Sanderson sat down the Mets in order on two groundouts and a backwards K in the first inning. That was as good as it got that day for the Cubs. After the Cubs went down looking in the bottom of the first, Carter led off the top of the second with a home run to put the Mets up 1-0, a lead they would never relinquish. The Mets pounded the Cubs in a 13-2 laugher. Not including the solo home run, Carter had three other hits and 2 other runs scored.

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Did You Know? Here’s a bizarre little fact. Carter hit the exact same percentage of his career home runs against the Cubs as RBIs against them (12.65%). Oh, he is also the only player in the Hall of Fame sporting an Expos hat, which makes it quite likely that he will be the only player ever to enter the Hall of Fame as an Expo, since the Hall is intent on screwing The Hawk.

Tags: Chicago Cubs, Cub killers, Gary Carter, The Top 79

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