Congratulations to twelve-year-old Juan Pierre for not only being the first player to make both the B126 and the T79, but also for being a big boy and picking out your outfit all by yourself this morning! Your play in the current Cubs-Dodgers series also helped reawaken the slumbering beast of my hatred for you. I don’t think I need to remind everyone just how badly you sucked as a Cub (but go ahead and read it again, as A-Ram Baller was still defending him two and a half months after it was posted).

Now, I get to bitch about Pierre’s rag arm, his noodle bat, and his idiotic pre-game rituals safe in the knowledge that he’s not standing in front of the “ivory” 81 days a year.

If watching Juan Pierre ground into 4-3 putout after 4-3 putout in a Cubs uniform was like having a knife twisted in your back, watching Pierre lace doubles and triples all around the ballpark against the Cubs, steal bases at breakneck speeds, string together 80-pitch at-bats, and be the incredible pain in the ass which the Cubs wanted him to be in 2006 is like having that knife twisted in the area between your belly button and your junk. And the knife is made out of frozen tears. Frozen tears that you shed when you walked in on a White Sox fan nailing your girlfriend, who was wearing pasties that looked like Barry Bonds’ head and wristbands, chomping on a toothpick. And that same Sox fan is currently twisting the knife into your lower abdominal muscle. Did I mention the knife handle was shaped like Albert Pujols?

As pissed as I was when the Cubs traded for Pierre, you should hear me every time the little shithead gets a hit off the Cubs. I’m all, “I will eat your young” this and “I will burn your face with acid” that and “I will flay your skin with a barbed, knotted rope” the other thing.

Pierre was drafted in both 1995 and 1996 by the Seattle Mariners, yet refused to sign both times, presumably because he had not yet hit puberty and was embarrassed at the prospect of showering with a bunch of grown men. By 1998, Pierre had finally hit puberty, so he decided to sign with the Colorado Rockies after being drafted in the 13th round of the amateur draft.

Pierre made his Major League debut in 2000 at the young age of 22. Pierre’s .310 average in 51 games was impressive, but it was the first season in a long career of Pierre posting a halfway decent batting average with a decidedly mediocre on-base percentage. In 2 1/3 full seasons in Colorado, Pierre managed to hit a measly 3 home runs. Hell, even Neifi Perez managed to average about 10 homers a season in Colorado.

But like I said, I’ve already mentioned how badly Juan Pierre sucks at baseball. Not, however, against the Cubs. Pierre has put up a .294/.366/.366 career line against the Cubs. Impressive, but not as impressive as his .303/.343/.455 line in the 2003 NLCS. That’s right. For a crucial seven games in October of 2003, Pierre slugged higher than the right side of the Cubs’ infield.

What’s more, Juan Pierre had to have seen 600 pitches in his 33 NLCS at-bats. Granted, most of them were fake, pulled-back bunt attempts, but that’s a lot of pitches. He and Luis Castillo combined for an infuriating 1-2 pairing in the NLCS, disrupting the Cubs both at the plate and on the bases. While Pierre only had one successful steal, he was always dancing around over at first base, holding his batting gloves that his dad got him for getting all B’s and C’s in 7th grade in his hands. Annoying little shit.

After costing the Cubs three warm bodies in his 2006 season in Chicago, Pierre has moved on to the Los Angeles Dodgers, where the manchild has posted a .310/.364/.379 line with three steals against the Cubs. Dickhead.

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Why You Should Hate Him: October 14, 2003. A day that will live in infamy for Cubs fans. You know the story. In the top of the 8th inning, with the Cubs leading 3-0 and ace Mark Prior on the mound, the Marlins managed to score 8 runs on 5 hits. Pierre had the first hit of the inning to open the floodgates, a double to Moises Alou. Pierre came around to score the first of those 8 runs on Pudge’s base hit. He then came up and put a final dagger in the Cubs’ heart, driving in their 8th and final run of the inning for his 2nd hit of the inning. You know what happened next. Suck it, Pierre.

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Did You Know? In case I didn’t mention it, Pierre has the lowest batting average ever for a player with 200 hits or more in a season. But he had 200 hits!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 12th, 2007 at 10:04 pm and is filed under Lists, The Top 79.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.