Rob Mackowiak has hit only a measly .222/.307/.349 against the Cubs, a .656 OPS. He has struck out 73 times against the Cubs, more than against any other team in the MLB. So what possible good reason could I have for ranking Mackowiak #72 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time?
Because he is a huge pain in the ass. Mackowiak has hit 7 home runs against the Cubs, more than against any other team. He has 33 RBIs against the Cubs, more than against any other team. He has walked 28 times against the Cubs, more than against any other team. He has 58 hits against the Cubs, more than against any other team. He has scored more than 34 runs against the Cubs, more than against any other team. He has reached on an error 3 times against the Cubs, more than against any other team. And he has stolen 7 bases against the Cubs, more than against any other team. Oh, and there was that one Friday in Pittsburgh, but we’ll get to that.
Mackowiak is a local boy, born and raised in Oak Lawn, Illinois, and attending Oak Lawn Community High School, which has possibly the lamest fight song in high school history.
Hail our loyal Spartans
Fighting all the way
Winning praise and glory
March to victory
Keep your banners flying
Go on you green and white
Here’s your test, now do your best
‘Cause Oak Lawn High’s all right
O-L-C-H-S! Fight! Fight! Fight!
“Do your best”? “Oak Lawn High’s all right”? What kind of attitude is that? Give it a shot, Spartans, because you, like your school, are mediocre. That’s not the Spartan attitude.
That’s the Spartan attitude.
Mackowiak must have gotten sick of Spartan mediocrity, as he transferred to Lake Central High School in St. John, Indiana.
Mackowiak was drafted by the Cincinnati Reds in the 30th round of the 1995 draft, but did not sign, presumably because he thought he would improve his stock with another baseball season at Lake Central. It was a bad move. Mackowiak was drafted in the 53rd round of the 1996 draft. He signed with the Pirates before he had a chance to drop further down in the draft.
Mackowiak broke in with the Pirates in 2001, and played 5 years with the Bucs until, on December 13, 2005, he was traded by the Pirates to the Chicago White Sox for reliever Damaso Marte, a dream come true for the lifetime Sox fan. That’s right. Mackowiak spent a lifetime wearing jorts and a mullet, driving around his pickup truck with a decal of Calvin pissing on a #3, and injecting heroin hit after heroin hit. Probably.
During the 2007 season, Mackowiak was traded by the Sox to the San Diego Padres. Mackowiak exchanged his jorts for swim trunks, his mullet for Spicoli hair, his pickup truck for a wood-paneled station wagon, his Calvin decal for a Grateful Dead bumper sticker, and his heroin for pot. Back in the National League, he’ll certainly get opportunity after opportunity to continue killing the Cubs.
Why You Should Hate Him: May 28, 2004, the birthday of Mackowiak’s son Garrett. The Cubs were at PNC Park (no matter how much Baseball-Reference wants to say Three Rivers Stadium) for a doubleheader. In the first game, the Cubs led 5-4 in the bottom of the 9th inning. Joe Borowski came in to attempt to close out the game. He did not. After a leadoff triple and an RBI single, Borowski had already blown the save. In just one of the many completely asinine moves Dusty Baker made during his tenure with the Cubs, he left Sweaty Joe in the game. Borowski gave up a single to Jason Kendall before getting Jack Wilson to line out with runners on first and third base for the first out of the inning. Borowski then intentionally walked Daryle Ward to load the bases for Craig Wilson. Borowski struck out Wilson swinging on a 2-2 count, and the Cubs still had a chance to send the game into extra innings. In came Mackowiak with 2 outs and the bases loaded in a tie game. Mackowiak unloaded the bases quickly. On a 2-1 count, Mackowiak drilled a walkoff grand slam as the lowly Pirates won game one 9-5.
In the second game of the doubleheader, the Cubs led 4-2 going into the bottom of the 9th inning. LaTroy Hawkins came on to attempt to save the game. After giving up a leadoff walk on only 5 pitches to Tyke Redman, Hawkins served up a first-pitch meatball to Mackowiak, who deposited a game-tying homer into the bleachers. In the bottom of the 10th inning, Francis Beltran served up a first-pitch, walkoff solo home run to Craig Wilson. The Pirates took both games of the doubleheader after the Cubs led both in the bottom of the 9th. The losses loomed large for the Cubs, who ended up playing all pressure-filled September games and lost the Wild Card in the last week of the season.
Did You Know? Mackowiak is a huge dumbass. He graduated dead last in his Lake Central High School class, one of the largest classes in Indiana. So even though you’re probably jealous of his money, his presumably hot wife, and his Major League Baseball career, at least you can read this.
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One positive feature of Macky: He cheats on his wife, according to the reports of a, I’m sure, reliable NSBBer.
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As long as A-Ram hangs at the 4-letter, there is no such thing as a reliable NSBBer.
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Is this another group of players from your lifetime, Kerm? Cuz I’ll be disappointed if Richie Hebner and Mike Lum aren’t on it. In addition to the stories I heard about those guys from my older brothers, I looked it up and their numbers actually were better against the Cubs than most teams.
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They are from my lifetime, Mike, and they are somewhat limited by my terrible, terrible memory.
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As a Lake Central graduate, the fact that there is even an internet rumor that he graduated last in the class is hilarious. It can’t possibly be true, but its a great “fact” nonetheless.
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My favorite Rob Mackowiak moment happened in 2003. In the ninth-inning of a one-run game, with the Cubs leading, Mackowiak came to bat against El Pulpo. E-ramis Ramirez was on the bench, but Lloyd McClendon didn’t want to use a righty to face a righty, so he left E-ramis sitting there. During his at bat, Mackowiak fouled a ball off his knee and had to leave the game. E-ramis came in with an 0-2 count and hit a homer. Of course he did.
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Wow, my memory sucks. I just looked this game up.
It wasn’t 2003, it was 2001 (I thought it was early in the year before the E-ramis/Lofton trade in ‘03), and it wasn’t El Pulpo, it was Julian Tavarez. Cubs up 2-0 in the seventh. Baylor walked John VanderWal with two on to load the bases for Mackowiak. Mackowiak fouled a ball off his kneecap and had to leave the game. E-ramis pinch hit for him and singled in two runs to tie the game. Cubs lost 3-2 when Tike Redman took Courtney Duncan deep in the eighth.
Blecch. The loss made the Cubs 55-39. 16 over. Yikes.
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And they weren’t playing baseball, they were playing football…on the surface of the moon.
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A great addition to the list. But a true mouthbreather wouldn’t have a Calvin pissing on a 3. That would be sacrilege. More likely little Calvin would have his never-ending stream trained on ol’ No. 24. It’s in the hick Bible. Unless ol’ Robb was even sucked as a mouthbreather, that is.
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