I hope your weekend was a little better than the Cubs’. I’m hoping that Hendry senses a new direction is necessary. I could manage this club. It was rough for me on Thursday and Friday to watch Lou replace me as the winningest Cubs manager to ever wear No. 41. If Lou can just escape Durocher-style to Camp Ojibwa, and if Alan Trammell can contract food poisoning, I hope Hendry would know I’m available.
But this is not why I’m checking in today. When I see ridiculousness out there, no matter the source, my job is to expose it!
It appears that a group of basement dwellers haven’t received word that Plessy v. Ferguson has been overturned, so they have taken to sharing each other’s all-time greatest baseball teams, separating out the players by race. That’s right, they are debating about who is on their “All-White” teams (no Frank White? No Bill White? No Devon White? No Rondell White? No Hank White? Because of the color of their skin? Travesty!), their “All-Black” teams (minus Bud Black to boot), an “All-Hispanic” team encompassing anyone who has a Spanish-speaking last name and an “All-Asian” team filled with guys who look like they come from Asia.
This racial segregation was a bit sad, partly because I hear Gary Sheffield is angry about Derek Jeter being on many of these guys’ “All-Black” teams because, you know, Jeter isn’t black enough for him. Conversely, how about Johnny Damon? His mother’s Thai and his dad’s white! Danny Graves’ mother is Vietnamese. For which team would Danny Graves blow a bunch of saves — the All-White or the All-Asian team?
The real dirty secret is that they really should just call the All-Asian team the “All-Yellow” Team or the “Team with Guys Who Have Slanty Eyes” as they don’t even consider that Asia is the largest continent in the world, and that they could have selected the greatest catcher and manager of all to be on that team: me.
Yes, that’s right. I’m Armenian, and Armenia is in western Asia, nestled between Turkey, Iran, Georgia (not the home of Chip Caray), and Azerbaijan. I’m Asian, dammit, and those racists guys snub me!
We should point out that Armenians get the short end often. Ottomans don’t like us. Turks don’t like us. The Russians kicked us around some more yet. The folks in Azerbaijan messed with us some more. Since we Armenians have been persecuted forever, let me at least submit to you the All-Time Armenian Team.
It’s not easy finding three starting pitchers, a closer, eight position players and three utility players. Because we’re so busy fighting off the nutjobs in our region, our baseball federation is still in the early stages of building a juggernaut that will rival Cuba, Japan and the Dominican Republic.
Without further ado, let me introuduce to you the pride of my fatherland (or is it my motherland?), the force of Western Asia, the best of the former Soviet forces, the Armenian Army…
Yes, we have a full 46 troops in Iraq! Part of the Coalition of the Willing! Oh yes, I meant to introduce the All-Armenian Team.
P-Ara Parseghian. Pitched for Miami University Redskins in the 1940s.
P-Jerry Tarkanian. Famous for his “Recruiting Pitch.” Does the towel drill better than Mark Prior.
P-Kirk Kerkorian. He might not be very good, but I’m sure he can pay a mercenary like Clemens to pitch for us!
Closer-Steve Bedrosian. Yes, he was Armenian when he won the 1987 NL Cy Young!
C- Me. Jim Essian.
1B-Mike Maksudian (1.000 career fielding percentage)
2B-Robert Kardashian. Defensive minded; Along with Johnnie Cochran, he was masterful with the glove.
3B-Armen Keteyian. Third base might be our weak spot. Armen’s a heck of a sideline reporter, though.
SS-Andre Agassi. I’m sure he’d have a lot of range at short. He also has the pechant for the Grand Slam.
LF-Chuck Essegian. Hit two pinch homers against the White Sox in the 1959 World Series.
CF-Jim Essian III, my son. The “whites” can have Mantle, the “blacks” can have Mays.
RF-Tim Kurkjian. Always fascinated by the sacrifice fly, he can shag them for the motherland instead of fabricating ridiculous trade rumors.
UTIL-Sammy Donabedian, junior at UC Irvine.
UTIL-Garo Yepremian. He can’t be less productive than Neifi Perez, right?
UTIL-Bob Kevoian. Has an Essianesque, All-Star caliber mustache. Looks great in a Dodgers hat. Not particularly funny though.
Mgr-Me.
Play-by-play announcer-Matt Vasgersian. A man with sound character judgment.
Now, I know we’re a little thin on great Armenian baseball players (beyond myself), but the last thing I need to see is our people getting overlooked. I’m sure those at NSBB will now open their minds and debate the merits of my selections for the All-Time Great Armenian baseball team. I’m happy to have started the discussion. It sure beats them voting on their “best” poster of all time, or voting 100,000 times for a player to start the All-Star Game, or wishing that the Cubs acquire an overrated outfielder from Cincinnati.
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credit?
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Card.
We’re playing password, right?
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Oh, good times. Good times in store.
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Shouldn’t Jack Kevorkian be your closer?
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DB has a point there, Skip.
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Kevorkian should definitely be the closer. And his theme music should be Slayer’s “Angel of Death”.
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Slayer won’t go over with the family crowds…luckily you can pick songs by suicidal artists or songs about suicide and there should be a couple you could work with. Jack is a Pacific NW guy, so maybe some Nirvana. He’d probably prefer someone who went out chemically, as opposed to 12-gaugeally. If drug overdoses count, then the options are limitless.
I would choose “Don’t Fear the Reaper” because “The Reaper” would be a badass nickname for a closer.
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How about “Toxic” by Brittany Spears? Both tasteful AND deadly.
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Skippian–
How the hell did you not put me on that list? Didn’t you see me in Talk Radio? I could be the play by play guy who gets shot in the players parking lot after the game by an irate fan.
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Those are some scary looking dudes. They’re what my daughter and I call “bufugly” (you can figure it out, I’m sure) It’s three words run together.
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cherigrace: First of all, it’s “I and my daughter”. Lastly, I give up, what’s it stand for?
Skip: I love your attention to detail; from the captions on the links to the captions on the pictures…mostly I love the captions. bravo.
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No, man … any closer music would have to be from System of a Down! They’re all Armenian! If you ever want to see a LOT of crazy Armenian people in one place at the same time … go see System of a Down. It’s ridiculous
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This is perfect. Cher (Cherylin Sarkissian) can be official road wife. Principal Seymour Skinner (real name Armen Tanzarian) can be GM, which will be handy if Sideshow Bob ever comes around. And Ken Davitian would be the perfect bench coach. He even looks like Don Zimmer. You never know when you’ll need a good teabag.
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Plus, the AA team could have the next-generation Marla Collins.
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Christy Canyon (born Melissa Bardizbanian) already qualifies in the Marla Collins role.
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Man, we would be so fucked out here if it weren’t for the Armenians.
Thanks, Skip. Glad to see these guys finally get their due.
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