Let’s Go Out On a Limb and Hate Rick Ankiel
If there was something worse this past week than watching the Cubs fumble around in Houston, hearing they claimed Scotty Fabulous, and then watching Rich Hill serve up a grand slam to Jamey Carroll (Jamey Carroll!) it may have been listening to the excessive coverage of the “feel-good” story of the year. In case you haven’t heard, Rick Ankiel is back. When last you saw him, he was winging fastballs at vendors, ushers, fans, ballboys, and pretty much everyone in the 2000 NLDS who wasn’t wearing a chest protector and a mask. Since I’m pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, and you’re probably pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, why not redirect that anger at a Cardinal? Let’s all hate Rick Ankiel.
Ankiel was called up last week, and is off to a torrid start, hitting .375 with a .412 OBP and a 1.000 SLG in his first four games. In that time, he also has 3 home runs and 6 RBIs. Impressive. So impressive, in fact, that the national media can’t get their lips around Ankiel’s knob fast enough to call this the greatest “comeback” since someone won 300 games. As Desipio’s Andy Dolan so eloquently put it, though, this is not a “comeback.”
Comeback from what? From not being able to throw a strike? From not giving up his baseball career to go home to…nowhere to use his life skills in nothing? What other choice did Ankiel have? His dad’s a drug addict who is in jail for 20 years. His brother is a drug addict who has been arrested more than 20 times.
Ankiel’s 2000 meltdown was not “tragic.” It was “hilarious.” That’s why, as the national media rushes to play up the heroic “Rick Ankiel Story” and as the self-proclaimed “Best Fans in Baseball” leap off their NASCAR seat cushions to give this guy ovation after ovations as he grounds into 4-6-3 double plays, I’m going the opposite way.
Screw Rick Ankiel. May he whiff more than Adam Dunn, may he run slower than Paul Konerko, may his children be fatter than Mark McGwire’s, and may Kerry Wood beat the holy hell out of his boombox.
Who’s coming with me?
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Comments
T to E to C You’re right, Kerm.
I started hating Rick Ankiel, and suddlenly, I’m not nearly as pissed off at the Cubs as I once was.
Jack I’m on this bandwagon, too. The motherfucker’s played what, 4 games and all of a sudden he’s Babe Ruth reincarnate? Does the national media recant if he goes 3 for his next 50 ABs? (Which he won’t, being a Cardinal.) I can already see Jon Miller fellating Joe Morgan who spits out Pujols’s and Bonds’s cocks long enough to give Ankiel’s a taste. Sometimes I think God is a Cardinal’s fan.
Oh, and fuck Rick Ankiel.
Dan If I were unlucky enough to be a Cubs fan, I wouldn’t sit anywhere near the right field bleachers this weekend lest I’d share the fate of that dead first base coach. Ankiel will be scorching some homers toward your empty, degenerate skulls.
Section 242 Bad Kermit, the comment from Dan above is my fault. He is my Cardinal fan buddy who started taunting me about Ankiel this morning. Too busy to respond as I would have liked, I linked him here instead for my rebuttal.
He still sleeps in a Keith Hernandez Cardinals jersey, but a basically good guy and pleasant company when not drooling over anything to do with his Redbirds.
Slaky I’ve been with you since he tried pitching again. I hate this loser. Especially since I can already see his four homer series against the Cubs coming up.
Joe Morgan At this rate, Rick will break the all time home run record towards the end of the 2013 season. I believe he is the next great hitter of our time. He would have fit in perfectly in the Big Red Machine.
Bad Kermit No problem, 242. Welcome aboard, Dan. I have a feeling the weekend series will be a lot more interesting if you choose to stick around.
A-Ram Baller Funny thing is that Ankiel has the same amount of HR’s as Jock and he has only played like 4 games. You guys are incredible.
Jack I for one will reserve judgement on Ankiel’s merits when a larger MLB sample size presents itself. I fully expect him to bat .600 and hit at least 3 homeruns against the Cubs later this week, though. That’s just a given. I think So Taguchi owns our asses, too.
A-Ram Baller “Since I’m pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, and you’re probably pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, why not redirect that anger at a Cardinal? Let’s all hate Rick Ankiel.”
That’s right, lets hate someone for the sake of hating. Thats what I call mature!
A-Ram Baller's Mother - Doris Baller GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM YOU LITTLE SHIT OR ILL MAKE YOU SHAVE MY MATURED BOLOGNA FLAPS.
A-Ram Baller Amazing how there is no need for me to say anything. Everyone is proving my point for me. I love it!
A-Ram Baller This just in. In an surprising move the Cubs have placed Carlos Zambrano, Aramis Ramirez, and Derek Lee on Waivers and are in talks with he Oakland A’s to acquire Nick Swisher, Mark Kotsay, and Eric Chavez in return. Finally the Cubs are playing Moneyball, playoffs here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A-Ram Baller's Mother - Doris Baller YOU SON OF A BITCH DONT MAKE ME RUB MY BEEF CURTAINS ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOURE SLEEPING IN YOUR RACE CAR BED.
TDubbs A-Ram Baller likes weiners. True story.
On a related topic, A-Ram Baller really likes weiners either in his ass or his mouth.
Vapor awesome, it was set to be a boring day til A-Ram Baller decided to come back. Now I can entertain myself with his non sensical ramblings yet again!
A-Ram Baller I am so glad that i can single handedly make you guys Not talk about baseball. It’s great. i have ruined this site!
Bad Kermit Topic: Should the Cubs try to do with Kerry Wood what the Cardinals are doing with Rick Ankiel? Discuss.
A-Ram Baller Hey Kermit, are the guys who are pretending to be my mother be the same baseball experts you love to boast about?
A-Ram Baller LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
By the way my name? A-Ram Baller? Gayer than two guys doing a 69.
A-Ram Baller Hey guys, Rick Ankiel sucks becasue he is batting .097 against right-handers who were born in October during a full moon, in a leap year, who’s name starts with R and ends with L. I mean those are the stats that matter not stolen bases, batting average or hits. I am so smart I read a book that has “ball” in the title. It is probably the best book ever written. I mean I never have read a book before so this must be correct.
A-Ram Baller oh god i spelled because, “becsaue”. Damn now Kermit is going to call me on this and make me look like an idiot. :( I don’t know how i am going to sleep tonight knowing that an unemployed Cubs fan thinks I can’t type.
Dan Good luck having that Frankenstein like Kerry Wood try to play the outfield with his uncoordinated self.
You could try to convert Mark Prior. Send him somewhere and hope he comes back as a male.
A-Ram Baller I love balls.
Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. Being a repressed, self-loathing homosexual on the other hand, one who projects his own frustration on to a blog, blindly and anonymously harassing the blog’s owner while sitting in his underoos and stroking his Juan Pierre bobblehead, well THAT is kinda wrong.
A-Ram Baller Great! Now other people are pretending to be me! This is great! I have finally brought you down to my level. This site is now doomed. Where are the other impostors?
TDubbs Hey stop picking on A-Ram. He makes good points. I take offense to the gay name calling. Being a gay man myself, i see nothing wrong with taking it in the ass. Ease up guys.
A-Ram Baller Thanks TDubbs. I am not gay but respect your choice to bleed from the ass when you feel a little horny. Whatever floats your boat man.
Bad Kermit Hey, I am the card carrying member of Gay Pride. This is my site so I don’t appreciate the gay name calling guys. Ill be back in a minute, I have to go suck this guy off for $20 so I can pay the domain fees for this site.
Bad Kermit Dan. This?
“You could try to convert Mark Prior. Send him somewhere and hope he comes back as a male.”
Fucking awesome. I hope you stick around. We could use a clever Cards fan around here. There are toilets that need scrubbing and genes that need mutating.
Bad Kermit It is now. You should be safe from bad grammar, gay jokes, misdirected rage, and poorly thought-out arguments.
StPatrick On THIS SITE? Maybe protected from the misdirected rage, but it’s probably still open season on the other three. I’m starting to think that A-Ram might be Joe Morgan.
J. Alfred I’m not prepared to hate Ankiel right now, and I’ll tell you why. There’s a group home for severely mentally handicapped adults located vaguely near my apartment. It’s the sort of place A Ram Baller might belong, except that his nervous, sweaty hostility would quickly freak out his fellow residents and they’d have to ship him off to someplace a little more Ken Kesey-esque. Anyhow, they hook the retarded crazy guys up with menial jobs, things like working at car washes or subbing for Joe Morgan in his online chats or cleaning out the grease trap at the local pizza place.
One of these guys delivers my paper. He’s got kind of an attitude. Wears his hat cocked to one side. Sometimes he blabbers incoherently at me if I happen to be in the hallway when he comes by. Limited concept of personal space. Drools a little. Guess he was a crack baby or a meth baby or something like that. Some of the other people in the building are always going on about how amazingly rad it is that this guy, despite his limitations, can still do some kind of work. It gets tiresome, especially since I mostly just think he’s wicked creepy. But I just shrug and let them have their hero. Now if the guy ever took a swing at me, I’d have to drop him. Totally total him. Best believe I’m not above kicking some mentally handicapped ass–I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again should the situation present itself. But until that day, I’m cool with letting the chattering rubes chatter away and letting the drooling simpleton bask in his glory.
This is the way I feel about Ankiel. If he does murder us in the next series, then I’ll hate him. I have no reason to think that he will. There is no curse. There is no Cardinal Mystique. The ghost of Dizzy Dean is too drunk and illiterate to find his way to Wrigley Field to mess with us. I do, and will always, hate the Cardinals. But this year, they just don’t matter enough to merit much focus. The Cubs are the class of the division and the Cardinals are nothing more than the schmuckiest of schmucks. I say that until he shows he can hurt us at all, the best response to Ankiel is just to smile indulgently at him and say “Listen, champ, we all think it’s great how you’ve made so little talent go such a long way”.
TDubbs I don’t remember typing that one comment. But I guess I’m gay. Oh well. Who wants a mustache ride?
Bad Kermit J Alfred, awesome sentiment, but Ankiel is ALREADY a Cub-killer. Check out his line after one career at-bat against the Cubs:
1.000 AVG 1.000 OBP 3.000 SLG 4.000 OPS
Small sample size my ass!
cherigrace Ankiel is a Cardinal, so why would we be “deciding” to hate him? I say it’s said and done when they put him in the uniform.
And really, you all should ease up on A-man Baller, especially you, BK. The poor guy obviously has some obsessive infatuation for JP and when you dissed his True Love, you snapped that last tiny thread of sanity he was clinging to. Now all he has left is to try and aggravate and infuriate other people.
I almost said other “men” but then I realized there is at least one female on this site. C’mon now, am I the only girl brave enough to get in that Shoutbox? If I am I think I should get a pink star. (No, I don’t wear a pink Cubs hat, and please don’t call me Trixie-I’m older than you and actually know baseball) But BK is far too power hungry for that………sigh.
Being a Cardinal (or Cardinal fan) is like choosing to wear a Ku Klux Klan outfit to the local NAACP meeting. It’s wearing a “Beaners Go Home” T-shirt to the Hispanic Catholic church service. It’s telling a new mama, “Boy that is one ugly-ass baby.” In other words, it’s an invitation to be hated. You don’t have to be Rick Ankiel to join that party.
(No offense to you, Dan….welcome to the site. It’s all meant in fun)
[...] weekend. Rick G. Ankiel is going to come into our town with his goddamn Cub-killing status and his goddamn “feel-good” story, and he’s going to try to get his goddamn team back into this goddamn [...]
cherigrace Yeah, it’s a southern lady thing, BK. I am a native Chicagoan and lived in Arlington Heights till I was 8, but then we moved down Yonder to Chattanooga…..where Ladies always put on makeup before they go out, men still open doors for women, and you Have To Say Something Polite. I’m trying to fight it, I really am. A Southerner would say, “Pray for me.” a true Chicago native would say, “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Take your pick! (I know what it’ll be)
CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
Hmmmm…what to do..? Ok, I’m in.