Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Anyone but Podsednik” Edition

Posted by Sweet Uncle Lou

August 10, 2007

Look, Hendry has done a lot of stupid things in his life. Picking up that first bottle of Jack Daniels. Signing Neifi Perez. Having that vending machine put into his master bathroom. Signing Neifi Perez. Letting his Bally’s membership expire. But not even Hendry is dumb enough to think that Scott Podsednik is worth making a move for, right? Can’t we just get Shannon Stewart instead? Whaddya mean, “He’s a dude”?

I’ll give Podsednik credit for one thing. He is way out over his skis right now, as his wife is former playmate Lisa Dergan. I wonder if she thinks it’s odd when Scott asks her to dress up like the pool boy before foreplay.
You know how you get back in my good graces after sucking ass at the Major League level? You accept your demotion, you bust your ass in AAA, and maybe–just maybe–you’ll make it back to the big club. What you absolutely don’t do is start bitching about how you should be allowed to stay with the team so you can hang out with your fucking mommy and daddy. You inexplicably have a Major League salary, Will. You can’t fly your folks into Chicago once every six months? If I have any say in it, this asshole will never again be on my ballclub. I want badasses like this guy on my team. Not cream puffs who make up injuries because they suck.
Christ, our doctors are so stupid. They find out that Ramirez has fluid in his wrist, so they inject more fluid into his wrist. Assholes. The good news is that Aramis won’t have to go on the DL, and will likely be back on Tuesday night. The bad news is Aramis likely won’t be back until Tuesday night.
The only competent writer in Chicago wonders the same thing I’m wondering. Where the hell is all the power this year? Christ, I’ve seen more raw power at knitting conventions. Yeah, I go to knitting conventions. It’s the only way Anita will let me go to Sturgis every year.
See if you can guess what I said during our team “meeting” yesterday.
(a) Stay positive and just keep playing your game, and we’ll get through the Soriano and Ramirez injuries.
(b) Wow, there’s a lot more room in here with Ohman gone.
(c) You’re next to be cut, Dempster, you fucking clown.
(d) Light a match, Trammell!
(e) All of the above.
Look, there’s a reason that Commissioner Gordon is a writer and I’m a baseball coach. And here it is. Gordo actually thinks that my “best lineup” has DeRosa batting 7th, Rich Hill batting 8th, and Mike Fontenot batting ninth. In a perfect world, I would pencil in 9 guys who would take turns swinging a bat at Gordo’s pea brain.
The Best Fans in Baseball applauding the Worst Pitcher in Postseason History. Does it get any better than that?
We’re back to within a half game of the NL Central lead, which should have your spirits up. If that doesn’t make you happy, keep in mind that the stud player on the team we’re chasing has always been and will always be a disgusting fatass. Maybe you shouldn’t go for a triple cheeseburger, Prince.

Well, that’s it for me. I’m helping the grounds crew at Coors Field reinforce the bleacher seats before Marquis takes the mound tonight. Enjoy the weekend, dingleberries.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

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Comments

Comment by TDubbs on August 10, 2007 @ 12:50 pm

Anita again. Love it